Not sure how to handle this one

[dragonflydays]

My sil (husband’s brother’s wife) recently lost her dad. The funeral is planned for Tuesday when I am due to be away with work at a conference. I will be there for the reposing and have called over to the family.
I told my husband I would see if I could rearrange my flight for the conference but I couldn’t and work were not supportive because it is not a direct relative of mine or my husbands.
My husband isn’t happy with me and says that my sister in law has always been good to us and I should go. If I decide to go to work he won’t be making any excuses for me ect.
I would like to go to offer my support but I can also see where my employer is coming from and they already helped me out last year when my husbands uncle died who he was close to.
I feel like by attending the wake I’m still being supportive of my in-laws at this hard time but my husband doesn’t think so and basically shut the conversation down as a you do you.

He wasn’t happy and basically said there’s certain things you need to show up for and I won’t be making excuses for you.

Point out to your DH that he's your husband, not your parent, and you're a grown up, not 10 years old refusing to go and see grandma.

Did you send an email at work asking about time off / changing plans for the funeral?

All he has to do is tell the truth, you're away with work and things can't be changed. A different scenario, but when DH's Auntie died, the funeral was on a day he really couldn't take off as something mega happening. We got on well with his Uncle and Aunt, he just explained the position to his Uncle and that I'd be coming to represent both of us. Obviously one or two asked where he was, but no one made an issue about it.

His Uncle is now 93, we still see him and he's never raised it.

Thanks again everyone, I did speak to my line manager and asked them about it but there was nothing they could do as flights/accomodation booked ect.

Your husband is being an idiot. So he wants you to attend with him for one funeral but would rather you sit at home for another?
It is nothing to do with the funeral it’s him being a controlling arse.
In 2026 most people understand workplace rules around funerals - it’s direct family only. Your SIL probably won’t be remotely offended.
Your husband is just using this to hang his hat on to have a go at you over something.

Your husband is just using this to hang his hat on to have a go at you over something

Agree. Not for the first time, it seems.

If your job is important to you and your joint income it's really not sensible to refuse to go to something like a conference where things have been arranged and paid for probably months in advance. If there isn't an obvious person who could go instead of you there really isn't much you can do except from just not going which will truly piss a lot of people off and potentially damage your career prospects.

Just explain your problem to your SIL, could you send her flowers with an apology note?

Your DH is being a dick.

Message SIL explaining the situation and tell DH to wind his neck in.

I'd send SIL some flowers to show I'm thinking of her, as I couldn't be there.

I adore my SIL, she has been with my brother for 30 years and I know her parents really well.

But there would be no expectation for me to attend either their funerals, especially if I was due to be on a work trip. In fact I completely agree with work, you can't cancel a whole trip because "my brother's wife's dad died"

It's different if It was just a usual day at work (I'd expect you to have to use annual leave) but unfortunately it doesn't warrant missing the conference / cancelling flights from a company perspective.

I would ask him how you would cope living on his salary alone - then you can resign and go to the funeral