Not sure how to handle this one

[dragonflydays]

My sil (husband’s brother’s wife) recently lost her dad. The funeral is planned for Tuesday when I am due to be away with work at a conference. I will be there for the reposing and have called over to the family.
I told my husband I would see if I could rearrange my flight for the conference but I couldn’t and work were not supportive because it is not a direct relative of mine or my husbands.
My husband isn’t happy with me and says that my sister in law has always been good to us and I should go. If I decide to go to work he won’t be making any excuses for me ect.
I would like to go to offer my support but I can also see where my employer is coming from and they already helped me out last year when my husbands uncle died who he was close to.
I feel like by attending the wake I’m still being supportive of my in-laws at this hard time but my husband doesn’t think so and basically shut the conversation down as a you do you.

That’s tricky but ultimately, if work won’t give you leave because it’s not a close relative then there’s not much you can do.
Did you know her dad very well?
I think I’d send her some flowers and call her and explain that you unfortunately can’t just rearrange things because of the conference but that she’s in your thoughts. Your partner should be able to understand that surely?

Do you have a good relationship with your SIL, if so could send her a nice message explaining the situation and that you are thinking of her but unfortunately can’t attend? Your DH can represent the both of you.

I feel like by attending the wake I’m still being supportive of my in-laws at this hard time but my husband doesn’t think so and basically shut the conversation down as a you do you.

Your husband's opinions are just that - his opinions. You're attending the wake, you can apologise to her personally and tell her why you can't make it and send flowers as @rainbowstardrops suggests.

I can see where work is coming from - a SIL's father isn't a close relative and they've planned for you to be elsewhere.

Oh - and I'd be telling DH I can make my own excuses, thanks. But that's just me.

I think DH is right not to make excuses for you. You need to apologise and explain the situation yourself, but I'd expect him to be supportive of that.

I’m sorry for the loss to your extended family but I’m your shoes I’d speak directly to your sister in law.
You are between a rock & a hard place.

Donate to a charity in his name.
It would be difficult for her to be churlish if you explain personally to her about your dilemma and not through your go-between husband.

If she does get annoyed, put it down to her mourning frame of mind and let the dust settle. Let her vent but stay calm and withdraw quietly from the conversation.

You’re not asking anyone to lake excuses for you, why’s he saying it like that? You have reason you can’t attend, your work and plans already in place. He’s having a strop, that doesn’t mean you have to change anything or feel bad about your plans.

Many funerals are live-streamed now, so you can potentially watch all/some of the service as you travel to the wake (depending on how you’re travelling of course).

Your attendance will be virtual and you will be able to (honestly) join in the post-funeral conversation with your comments on the service (I.e. “Aunty Val’s poem reading was beautiful” or “when the celebrant spoke of your holidays in Devon, it reminded me of when you told me about them; such fond memories”) etc

@AnneLovesGilbertexactly not once did I say to my husband will you tell them I’m sick or one of the kids is off school sick and I need to be home. I just said I don’t know what to do as work couldn’t accommodate me and unfortunately I have to fly out that morning but I’d be able to attend the reposing. He wasn’t happy and basically said there’s certain things you need to show up for and I won’t be making excuses for you. You do what you got to do. I completely get his point if I was off work and skipping off to get my nails done.

If I decide to go to work he won’t be making any excuses for me ect

Your employer has declined your request for leave to attend a funeral, it is therefore a reason for you being unable to attend not an excuse.
Your husband is being a dick.

@rainbowstardropsher dad would have been at some of their family events over the years and we would have chatted briefly at those aside from that not really

Your husband is being a dick. If your work won’t give you time off, then you can’t go. What does he suggest in these circumstances? As others say, make your own apologies, send flowers etc.

Your DH has got his head into SILs grief and how this will look to his family

He could simply reframe it in his own head, you can't be blamed as your work have said no. He doesn't want you to lose your job for this, does he?

Most people understand that employers have limits and employees have to do as they are told

Since the deceased is not a close relative and you dont know him particularly well I see no reason why your presence should be expected.
Send flowers, a card and your condolences.That is all that's required, IMHO

@Purplecatshopaholiche is lucky that he has a lot of flexibility in his job.
I don’t unfortunately and the time I took off to attend his uncles funeral I really had to push but I knew I needed to be there for my husband that day.

None of my husband's brothers and their wives came to my dad's funeral, nor would I expect them too! Your husband is being a dick, is he always? I would call your SIL, explain that you're away with work and unfortunately can't get out of it. Any reasonable person would accept that. Frankly, she's grieving her dad, I doubt that she'll really care if you attend or not!

Do you have a one to one relationship with your SIL, do feel able to tell her exactly what you’ve said here, that you simply can’t get the time off work?. I’d miss out going through DH.

I think one person going from each couple or family is fine.

Not really we text occasionally usually asking about something. If we are away together we’d chat but we don’t socialise separately.

As woek have said they won't give you leave, there's nothing you can do. Speak to SiL, tell her you can't go to the funeral because you can't get the time off work ( this is very normal for a non-family member btw) but that you will be coming to the reposing, and send her a nice message on the day. There's nothing for DH to do or say, you are adult and communicate perfectly well yourself.

I'm not going to my DH's aunt's funeral next week because I can't get time off work. That's a closer relative than your SIL's dad. My DH is fine with that - he would like me to come but he understands.

Were you going for compassionate leave (in the previous case and the current one) - which will usually be fairly circumscribed and maybe in the manager's discretion - or were you asking for a day's bog standard annual leave?

Thank you for all the comments. I haven’t mentioned anything to my in-laws yet as I know they have enough going on.
What has annoyed me a bit was when another relative of his died a few months ago (an aunt) I was able to go to the funeral but because we had workers in the house he thought it would be better I stay home to be on hand if they had any questions. I even said to him was be sure as I didn’t want it thrown back in my face later on down the road saying I didn’t bother going which he hasn’t.

@dragonflydays - have work actually said no or as just 'not supportive'? As in, were you floating the idea last them and they weren't supportive? Or you asked for leave and they said no?

Your DH is being completely unreasonable and it's not even a relative of his. You're away with work so you can't attend. No "excuses" needed, just the truth.

I think it’s fine to phone her, give her your condolences, say what a lovely man he was and explain that you can’t get the day off work and you’ll be thinking of her on the day.

He's being fucking ridiculous. I mean, your husband's brother's wife's father is hardly immediate family and you only briefly chatted to him a few times over the years. Going to the wake is more than acceptable, but even that wouldn't be expected by most people.