Is this a normal interaction

[Thesoundofsilenceisdisturbed]

I am genuinely curious because I have been in this relationship so long that I'm losing touch with reality. I am in this cycle within my relationship whereby my DP is cruel, then acts completely normal and I feel like I don't know what's normal anymore.

So here is an interaction from Monday and I know it sounds ridiculous. I want to know objectively if I am at fault and uncaring.
So the backstory relevant to this scenario is that I work more than DP although he earns a lot more. He's home all day and spends most of it in bed. I work all day and do all the housework, he refuses to help and if I ask I get so much abuse and anger that I've learnt to not ask anymore. I'm completely overwhelmed and resentful.

On Monday I text him asking very nicely if he could help in the house. I ask every now and again, he gets angry and then I leave it for a few months. I spent days planning how to word this message. I just asked if whilst he's home and I'm in work all day, could he please just clear anything he uses, empty the food bin if it's full and if there is washing out that's dry, please could he bring it in. I said I'd be very grateful. At present I'm running into the house between clinics putting washing out etc. if he drops something on the floor he'll leave it, or say "I can't pick it up" and walk off leaving me to do it. Further context is that he has a bad back, however he manages to drive to his father's regularly, play pool, to to the pub 4x a week and have sex. So he can do things that he wants to do.

Lunchtime Monday he came and told me there was a dead pigeon in the garden. I didn't think much of it, I was messaging a client and also assumed he'd sort it. He didn't sort it. It seems he just went to ay Xbox instead. He then text me in the evening and asking me to move the pigeon, bag it up etc and said he can't do it. This is where I am in the wrong; I said I'd rather not do it as I hate maggots and that he manages to go to the pub, play pool etc so I'm sure he could pick it up.

He came downstairs and started shouting at me. He said I was making him pick up the pigeon, I'm a horrible person. He said he doesn't know how he can live with someone as nasty as me. He then started calling me a bitch and said I disgust him. Followed by "I think of you as I think of that dead pigeon, you make me sick". Didn't retaliate and just kept asking him not to speak to me like that and said he was being cruel but he carried on and on. He proceeded to ignore me for the day and is now talking to me as normal.
Is this actually normal? I am so used to being told I'm disgusting, he hates me etc that I just don't know anymore.

So he hacks into/some how knows what's on my phone and he's made this clear. He has mentioned years ago that I have posted on Mumsnet (no idea how he knows) but that apology was last night before I posted.
In terms of my behaviour changing - I'm much the same. I've been a broken shell for years. I don't think he's concerned I'll leave because he's done worse.

Must admit I did wonder this too.

Bloody hell, this gets worse and worse. Please summon up the courage to leave him. This cannot be the rest of your life.

Here’s my take. I suspect he senses that you are starting to wake up to how fucking awful he is - you’ve gone so far as to check your sanity here, for many women, the first step to regaining their self esteem and their freedom. So he’s trying to reel you back in - lo and behold an apology arrives for the first time ever. But it’s not really an apology is it? He’s been controlling you - like you say you are wary of asking him to do anything. He gets to behave like an absolute selfish pig and you have learned not to challenge him. Something about how you pushed back alerted him that you might not be fully under control, so a little adjustment was needed to keep you in line.

He sounds truly awful OP, plan your exit.

Perhaps he's on MN and recognised himself ....

Get out OP them laugh as he has to cope alone . He's a creep .

Well the "sorry" didn't last. He's informed me he's going to his family members tomorrow overnight to go out drinking. This is something he does every other weekend (in addition to being in the pub 3x a week). He went last weekend. I've booked an activity Friday with my eldest that was a Christmas present and have booked the day off work. He knows this and I asked him a month ago if it was suitable before I even booked. He's now said he's not doing the school run because he's going out and staying overnight and he can't cancel because he's made plans. Why he has made plans when I have plans (I never do anything). Anyway he won't change them and is now ranting at me via text.

I've also explained we will both me and hour away from the school, which isn't ideal in case if emergency but there you go. He needs to be out drinking and it trumps everything.

I also want to make it clear that when he says he gets angry because of me he is referring to the fact every few weeks I ask if he can please help in the house. I don't ask for him to do anything strenuous, just clean up after himself before he spends half the day in bed. This is what makes him angry. He has made it clear he didn't get into a relationship with someone younger to be told what to do; his words. I'm also very respectful, I would never demand he does anything. I'm actually a very calm and respectful person.

I’d have to end it. Selfish beyond belief. You can do so much better. You deserve a happy life.

You may be calm but you are a total pushover.

He's now not talking to me and shut himself away to 'game'. This new anger is because I've questioned him staying away tomorrow night when he knows I have plans. This is what happens. If I never question him and do whatever he wants then he's fine. If I do much as imply if like him to help then he explodes.
It just goes to show that he isn't actually sorry. If he was sorry he'd be going out of his way to make it up to me. By make it up to me I literally mean take our son to school Friday because he knows I have plans.

You and your children deserve better.

Do you have support - family/friends? This is awful. You need to get away from him somehow.

You’re clearly not going to leave him, so what’s the point in this thread?

He’s not sorry in the slightest

He’s manipulative, mean, abusive and you seriously need to get rid before he damages your dc as much as he has damaged you

Please believe this - you are not disgusting, this is in no way normal, his behaviour is really, really awful & wrong

Oh no, you are not horrible
He is.
The leaving the children's clothes to get wet is one of the most petty, senseless things I've read in a long time.

Whose house are you living in?
You need to tell your family and friends what he is like and let them support you to take the children and leave or throw him out depending on the situation

He sounds vile and like a narcissist

What kind of life do you want for you and your DC, OP?

OP I have read your updates. What a life 😩 do you want to be with this man, who treats you like shit? Do you want your children growing up thinking this is what a relationship should be?

You need to leave him and the sooner the better. This is no life for you and your children and you deserve better. Just think how peaceful and happy your household could be without him in it.

I hope you'll take on board all the comments on here. No-one should put up with what you're putting up with. No-one should have to live with abuse. He is an abuser. Nothing you do will change it. The only course of action is to leave.

Just leave. There is nothing more to say.

Why do you even need to ask? He sounds absolutely awful! If you can’t leave him for yourself, do it for your children. They will think this behaviour is okay if you keep accepting it. I know it won’t be easy but for their sake, end it!

This is all very far from normal. It sounds like torture. You’re in an abusive relationship with someone who compares you to a maggot-ridden carcass. He’s a ton weight who is slowly crushing the life out of you. Free yourself, op. Strangers on the internet care more about you than he does…Why do you stay with him, do you think? Do you fear what he’ll do if you try to leave, more than you fear what he’ll do to you and the dc if you stay?

What is your set up OP? Do you have shared children (sounded like possibly not?)

Do you have savings? Friends or family nearby?

he is an abusive arsehole who only apologises to get what he wants. He probably got pissed the other night and felt sorry for himself because he is a sad little man child and even his apology wasn’t an apology as he is still blaming you

Please contact women’s aid as this is absolutely abusive behaviour and the can support you.

Life is too short to live this way and you deserve way better

Literally nobody is thinking hes a decent person who has recognised he has made a mistake. I promise you. You're so lost within this that you cant see the wood for the trees.

If you think it must be you that's causing him to behave like that, why does he do things like leave your kids clothes out in the rain? Do you think theres something wrong with them, as well?

And, tbh, even if you were an annoying, lazy person, which you clearly are not - that STILL wouldnt make it okay to treat you the way he does. Even if you were at fault in the relationship that wouldnt mean you deserved to be treated like shit. A normal response to feeling like your partner is bringing your life down is to either try and fix the issues or leave them, not relentlessly wear them down until theyve lost the will to argue.

In terms of why he has apologised this one time - I wouldnt be surprised if he is tracking your social media etc and has seen this post, or otherwise seen something in your re/actions, possibly something you've said to a friend, that suggested to him you've finally reached the end of your tether and are on the road to ending the relationship. He's panicking because he's worried his maid and sex slave will leave him so is making the bare minimum effort to try and smooth things over.

As a very young (and stupid) 25 year old, I married a man like this. Biggest regret of my life. I too thought it must be me! Wrong. He needs to see a therapist asap and you my love need to walk out of that door and never ever look back. Please take my advice from someone who has been there.

I’m lost for words. I’ve read some seriously abusive stories on here over many years, where women are struggling to recognise just how abusive their relationships are, but this thread really takes the biscuit.

Op you just really don’t seem to recognise just how bad your situation is. It’s seriously fucked up and your children are witnessing this.

You really need to contact Women’s Aid and get some help. I really think he’s watching this thread too. Be careful.