Husband dismissed sexual assault

[Throwawaynamc]

When I was a teenager, I went a bit wild. I was promiscuous but I also found myself in several positions where I was sexually assaulted by men who did not have my consent or desire.

In 10 years of marriage, I’ve never told DH about any of these assaults. I’m not sure why, maybe I knew how he would react.

While talking about the Cornell case today, his reaction really annoyed me and he stated talking about how the actual men are awful rapists but for those in the group chat, they probably just thought there was a slutty girl up there who was up for it, so we can’t accuse them of being the problem. He started talking about Bonnie blue and how for all those men knew, she was like her. We argued about it. He did say no excuse for rape, but those men may not have known she wasn’t consenting so why would they report etc.

Then we talked about what he’d do if one of his friends did something like that, he was categoric on rape = he’d knock them out but sexual assault is a spectrum and as much as he doesn’t think any of his friends would do that, he’d react different to a ‘I touched her ass’ than he would to others. I think I was kind of understanding what he was muddily trying to say but that he didn’t understand how it feels to a woman on the other end of it.

So I told him about one of my first experiences. Where I was at a festival as a 13 year old, stuck in a crowd where you couldn’t move and the much older man (stranger) behind me put his hands up inside my shorts from the back and grabbed my vagina. His response was ‘well that was in your slutty phase though, I’m sure you didn’t react then how you’d react now, so that’s kind of my point’.

I was horrified. I asked him if he was serious and if he genuinely thought that. Told him that if Bonnie blue got groped tomorrow by a man in the street that is still assault and that when this happened I was devastated. I was not in a slutty phase and even if I was, it doesn’t give excuses and it traumatised me. Hence me still remembering it very clearly 20 years later. I couldn’t believe that was his reaction. He didn’t apologise or take it back. I went to bed to get away from him and he still didn’t say anything.

This morning I haven’t spoken to him at all and he just said as he was leaving ‘sorry if I upset you with my insensitive comment’ and thats it. He didn’t take it back or apologise last night, I don’t know if I can look at him the same. We have a daughter who’s not too far away from the age I was.

I started with the most ‘mild’ thing that happened to me, and he proved I could never tell him the rest. I just feel disgusted. Am I overreacting?

I’m really sorry that;

• you were sexually assaulted at the age of 13
• you subsequently experienced other assaults
• you have been weary to discuss this with your husband, and when you did have the courage to do so, you were met with that devastating phrase ’slutty period’, and did not receive the empathy and understanding you deserve. You were not held, during a time of sharing something vulnerable.

i think the last few weeks have been very triggering for most women, with multiple reported rape cases, and most recently the horrendous Cornell case. It’s bringing a lot of things to the surface, and is starting a lot of conversations between us and the men in our lives. And often, we realise we are very alone. That the person we’ve created a life with, may not be that different in attitude to the ones we find despicable. That the line drawn in the sand is very clear to us, yet somehow is a bit blurry for them. This can feel like a devastating awakening.

I would also suggest that being autistic may make his responses blunt…but they should never be cruel. His response was both judgemental and very cruel.

You must be feeling alone and confused. I would say the thing to observe now, is how willing is he to repair. Will he reach out to you, deeply wanting to understand how you’re feeling and how he can make things better for you? If he’s incapable of taking the steps of reaching for you, listening and actively working on repair (not just words), then the next steps will be very hard. The onus really is on him now to do better.

sending hugs

Even if you were sexually active at 13, a man touched you without consent. At 13 you cannot consent anyway!
What if your daughter was doing the same and was touched without consent? Would that also be ok?

I wouldn't be able to get past this.

Has he ever shown red flags around women before?

Commenting on women's bodies
'Laddy' banter with his mates
Checking women out in public
Victim blaming comments
Talking over women but not men
Always siding with men over women
Happy to have mates that dont treat women well in relationships
Happy to have mates who make sexist jokes and objectify women
Happy to have mates who are bare minimum fathers
Blames you raising issues on you being hormonal or emotional
Makes sexist 'jokes' and defends them as 'just a joke'
Will always bring up men's struggles as a 'but what about men' in discussions about women's struggles
Lets you do most of the housework/parenting and claims he's too busy/tired from work or 'just doesnt see mess'
Makes comments about women being 'crazy'
Has dated women a lot younger than him

Any of these ringing a bell?

Did he call you a slut from out of nowhere or is that how you've described that period of your life to him yourself?

Whether I could forgive him the comment would very much depend on that.

My husband (we are separated) is autistic. He absolutely gold the opposite views to your DH. He is disgusted by things that happen in the world. When we first me he had very little knowledge of how common and pervasive the sexual assault of women and girls is so needed education there. However he would never think a girl was slutty or up for it in the context you have described.

I couldn't get past that tbh, describing a 13 year old girl as being in a 'slutty stage' and not seeing the issue with you being sexually assaulted at that age (at any age, tbh but worst as a child). I don't know what the answer is for you, but I couldn't get over it.

I wouldnt call my husband a particulary 'progressive' man, but he was appaled when i told him about some off my exoerinces. Your husband is a knob. You are right to be upset.

Op you weren't sexually active..you were groomed /being abused...

Sadly, this is the attitude of both men and women who have no direct experience with assault.

Collectively, as a society, we all excused a lot of assaults based on deeply entrenched sexism and lack of understanding around what it is about assault that harms us. I watched Before I go to Sleep again recently (Nicole Kidman, Colin Firth, I think) and it was eye-opening watching as an enlightened adult vs a child / young person. SPOILER!!! First time I watched, I had so much relief when I found out Nicole had slept with her abuser before. Like... Whaaaaat?? As if that matters!!! Consenting once doesn't qualify as consenting forever! Same with marital rape. We all collectively finally realised that was a thing. It wasn't about the 'marriage'. It was that we all believed if you consented once, then you consented going forward.

Same with horror / gore films. Do you remember that the virgin was never raped, until she had sex once, and then we all felt relieved because it was fine now?? Obviously not really, but we felt 'better'. Or it had to be the lead's slutty best friend who was raped because that's not as harrowing. In what universe did we think that was okay?? And we did, because filmmakers were pandering to their audience.

I'm going to say something a little controversial.

I'll start with: they say emotional / psychological abuse lasts longer than physical abuse. I.e. we remember that more and we are impacted by that more.

I have a theory that the reason rape is so horrible, isn't even really about the physical act - that's horrific enough, but I reckon in the same way getting violently beaten up would be. Vaginas are not more special than any other part of your body (and a pathetic man's penis definitely isn't worth losing sleep over) - some people are beaten to the point of experiencing brain injury. I think that's just as traumatic. Difference is, the 'story' that's ripped from you. You want to decide how many people you have sex with and who they are and you want to feel good after when you remember it. I don't think it's as simple as 'a man put his penis in me so my life is over'. Think about it: men and women raped while unconscious still experience PTSD, symptoms of struggling to trust etc - it's the impact of betrayal, not having a choice in how you use your body, feeling used... Whatever your feelings are: it's precisely that. Feelings. Psychological. Lack of autonomy and so on. And that is not to be dismissed or taken lightly. That's why people struggle after so that's why consent is so important.

Consenting to one thing once, doesn't change how you feel the next time you weren't able to consent.

Anyone who hasn't been assaulted (typically men) will not understand that sensation. We need to find a way to explain it to them so that they get it.

Maybe film him while he's in the shower and watch it back on your TV when he comes into the room. See if he explodes. But then point out you have seen him naked before, and showering, so what's the fucking problem. I dunno, there will be a better example. But you definitely can't just say to someone: I didn't consent, and have them understand why that matters, if the misconception is already firmly lodged within.

I think he thinks like so many men and unfortunately women too have been brought up to think.

Men feel entitlement over women in ways women simply have no experience of feeling in reverse. They feel entitled to women’s sexuality, women’s energy, women’s time as many women integrate that too and actually feel the same way, that men have the right to have that entitlement over them.

I can’t help everytime I’m exposed to this thinking being utterly shocked by it but so many men and women think like him.

I simply could not exist in a relationship with a man like that but so many women do, and many of them if they don’t agree with them deny it to themself that they have to.

I'm so sorry OP, I really am. You must feel so alone and confused. But I think you'll find that far more men than women care to acknowledge think like this on some level. They don't just walk amongst us, they're everywhere. And contrary to popular belief, they aren't all seedy little perverts or any particular "type". Many of the supposed "good guys" are just saying what we want to hear mainly for a quiet life but also because they really don't give a shit.

If my husband found out I had been sexually active at 13, he’d be slightly horrified, worried about me, asking questions about if I was ok, how did I feel about it, had anything happened to me that was upsetting, was it consensual.

He’d certainly not ever describe a 13 year old as “slutty.” I’m sure he had opinions about the Bonnie Blue types but he’d be wary of describing anyone as “slutty” in my presence!

I am so sorry you had to go through all these horrible experiences with men.

It is shocking that your husband suggested that it is OK for a 13 year old (a child as far as I am concerned) to be assaulted and to use words like 'slutty' to justify it.

As a middle aged woman I have zero tolerance for any man who downplays sexual assault or rape and tries to blame the girl or woman for what happened.

It would be the end of the relationship for me.

I am neurodivergent and I know that what your husband said is wrong. Autism is never an excuse for misogyny/being a rape and assault apologist.

There's no such thing as a slutty 13 year old. A 13 year old is a child and your DH is despicable. His reaction is stomach churning. I'm not surprised you don't want to be anywhere near him - especially with a DD nearing the same age.

Not sure where you go from here but you have my sympathy.

Firstly, you were a child and a grown man (paedophile) assaulted you. That is not your fault. Secondly, children are not slutty, regardless of their gender they are children. No one would ever refer to a boy as slutty, if anything is ever mentioned they are 'sowing their wild oats' and it is brushed off. It's simply wrong that men get the grace to choose multiple partners and women who do the same are labelled as something bad - it's a choice and everyone gets to choose. Your other half clearly buys into that way of thinking, and perhaps future conversations could see if it's possible to redress this imbalance.

I find it particularly concerning that he likened the behaviour of someone who engages in sexual activity with multiple partners to Bonnie Blue who is paid and makes money out of it. Those are two very different things and again comes down to choice. The key to the Cornell case is that when someone isn't in control of their own body they don't have a choice, it is taken away from them. Also, I find it worrying that he would make excuses for the 57 group chat members by assuming something about the victim that he doesn't know rather than believing the victim or looking at the data that has come out regarding the number of reports of abuse that take place at the college each year. It's easy to make assumptions and excuse people's behaviour because it doesn't involve any work. Getting your partner to look at his own reaction and understand his own bias takes work and I think that's something he needs to look into. Until then, it's unlikely he will provide the support you need if you choose to tell him about any other assaults that took place. I'm sorry for all you have experienced and hope you can find the support you need in your female friends, who I imagine will share their own experiences.