Husband dismissed sexual assault

[Throwawaynamc]

When I was a teenager, I went a bit wild. I was promiscuous but I also found myself in several positions where I was sexually assaulted by men who did not have my consent or desire.

In 10 years of marriage, I’ve never told DH about any of these assaults. I’m not sure why, maybe I knew how he would react.

While talking about the Cornell case today, his reaction really annoyed me and he stated talking about how the actual men are awful rapists but for those in the group chat, they probably just thought there was a slutty girl up there who was up for it, so we can’t accuse them of being the problem. He started talking about Bonnie blue and how for all those men knew, she was like her. We argued about it. He did say no excuse for rape, but those men may not have known she wasn’t consenting so why would they report etc.

Then we talked about what he’d do if one of his friends did something like that, he was categoric on rape = he’d knock them out but sexual assault is a spectrum and as much as he doesn’t think any of his friends would do that, he’d react different to a ‘I touched her ass’ than he would to others. I think I was kind of understanding what he was muddily trying to say but that he didn’t understand how it feels to a woman on the other end of it.

So I told him about one of my first experiences. Where I was at a festival as a 13 year old, stuck in a crowd where you couldn’t move and the much older man (stranger) behind me put his hands up inside my shorts from the back and grabbed my vagina. His response was ‘well that was in your slutty phase though, I’m sure you didn’t react then how you’d react now, so that’s kind of my point’.

I was horrified. I asked him if he was serious and if he genuinely thought that. Told him that if Bonnie blue got groped tomorrow by a man in the street that is still assault and that when this happened I was devastated. I was not in a slutty phase and even if I was, it doesn’t give excuses and it traumatised me. Hence me still remembering it very clearly 20 years later. I couldn’t believe that was his reaction. He didn’t apologise or take it back. I went to bed to get away from him and he still didn’t say anything.

This morning I haven’t spoken to him at all and he just said as he was leaving ‘sorry if I upset you with my insensitive comment’ and thats it. He didn’t take it back or apologise last night, I don’t know if I can look at him the same. We have a daughter who’s not too far away from the age I was.

I started with the most ‘mild’ thing that happened to me, and he proved I could never tell him the rest. I just feel disgusted. Am I overreacting?

In short. No. You are not overreacting. I’m sorry that happened to you.
You were 13 FFS. A child.
And he said ‘you were in your slutty phase.’
I’m horrified on your behalf.
As a fellow SA victim, I’m not sure I’d be able to get past that tbh.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're not overreacting, that is unforgivable. It's very sad you feel unable to talk about your past, sometimes talking through these things can be helpful.

When I once told DH a similar thing that had happened to me he was profoundly upset. I would ask your husband to reflect why he reacted with such a disgusting comment and hopefully he will apologise profusely, but I assume it will still be very hard to forgive.

What a dick. That is absolutely awful, OP. I'd be seriously considering my relationship.

Slutty phase?? Fucking hell. And you were 13! Jesus wept.

I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry your husband has such revolting misogynistic views.

It would be over for me. That's one of the most shocking things I've read on here in a while

That’s horrendous OP.
Ask him what his response would be if your daughter told him it had happened to her.

Slutty phase? No. Disgusting response all round.

I couldnt stay with a man who thought that.

Op I had a similar experience as an older teen in a crowded place, much older man. I didn’t even realise it was sexual assault at that age. I married a man who had many faults but I saw a group chat once between him and friends that he was involved in. I was horrified by the misogyny he was involved and it was all a joke apparently. I couldn’t look at him in the same way after that, plus he is the parent of daughters. Horrific that this is still seen as normal. Why men haven’t been taught to stop and think and behave differently particularly among older generations is awful.

He thinks 13-year olds can be "sluts"?

Not that the term should be used in relation to any woman.

He has no business bringing up a daughter, disgusting misogynist that he is.

Scratch the surface, though, and I believe that there are many, many more men that think like this. And a lot of women - many of my mother's generation, for example, whose first move on hearing about a woman being sexually assaulted is to blame the woman.

So sorry to hear it, OP.

I could maybe get over this if he really put the effort into understanding why he'd upset me and developing better empathy. But to be honest, the "knock them out" comment would be off-putting to me too- I'm wondering if he just isn't very thoughtful or emotionally mature?

I'm so sorry you have a POS for a current husband. That's utterly disgusting and shows complete contempt for all women. Please don't come back here saying he's a great husband and father apart from this. He's shown you what he's like and you need to get as far away as possible from him.

He said a 13 year old was in a slutty phase.? Good god.

can I ask were you sexually active at 13. Not that it excuses it, just trying to understand why he would say such a thing,

He likely thinks what's upsetting you is that you're ashamed of your "slutty" phase and that's why you're upset, not that you're upset about being sexually assaulted. Men like this will never get it.

I'm amazed that he would have that reaction in relation to a 13 year old. Did he fully understand how young you were? Have you asked him how he would feel if that happened to your daughter?

How can a 13 yea told be "slutty"? Absolutely awful reaction. He has no respect for women, the misogyny is strong with this one to the point he has no compassion or empathy for a child victim of sexual assault, who is his actual wife.
Yanbu

I think any love I had for DH would shrivel up and die of he referred to me being assaulted as a 13yr old as a “slutty phase”.

I always wonder when men try to minimise this stuff whether it’s because it would be something they have done/would do.

I'd end my marriage over that.

You were a child.
His reaction is appalling

Yes. He knows I was sexually active then for those asking.

I think lots of men probably do think like that. He is austistic and just says what he thinks, no nuance or thought and has always said he’s not capable of being one of those husbands who says what he knows you want to hear. I have always valued that in some way, although it’s caused issues throughout our relationship.

However, this means I know what he truly thinks and feels all the time and this has really hurt me. I don’t know if there is coming back from it. Thanks for support.

Nah. I'm autistic and so is my husband. Wording something badly or bluntly can be ND, being a sexual assault apologist is nothing to do with that.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. It's going to be rough for a bit whatever you decide to do going forward xx

I think we assume theres a shared understanding of whats wrong and whats right, he lacks empathy for the vulnerability of girls and women, if he lacks empathy for anyone thats one thing but if he can empathise with other men then he just doesn’t see women and girls as fully people

I think for some men it’s safer to not get upset about it because it would mean having to hold other men to account and thats dangerous (socially, physically etc) whereas dismissing women bears no cost.

I’m sorry OP, it must have really shaken you to hear that from a man you love.

What a wanker. Game over for me.

You have a daughter. I would suggest counselling. But you have a daughter so if he won’t get counseling I’d say we are over then, I can’t bring up a daughter with a man who thinks sexual assault of 13yos is fine. And I think maybe he needs to move out until counseling. I wouldn’t share a bed. 13 year olds don’t have a slutty phase. Ugg, I’m so so sorry.

Autistic people can also have a strong sense of justice, and what's right and wrong. He really thinks that was perfectly normal and fine to happen to a 13 year old? What will he do in a few years if his own 13 year old gets assaulted? He would be an unsafe parent.

How the HELL can a 13 year old be slutty? FFS. Lovely husband you have there 🤢