How long does it take to adjust when your only child leaves for uni?

[BrainSurgeon]

I thought I was ready. I thought I was a strong independent woman who went through much tougher times. I thought I prepared both of us for this moment.
But this feeling hit me like a train.
DS is happy as Larry at uni, having a blast in his freshers week, while I cry every day - and I never (well almost never) cry!
We were such a great team and been such amazing support for each other for 18 years.
And now he’s off. Really far too.
Friends and family are lovely, checking in on me and telling me how great it is that he’s doing so well, and what an amazing job I did with him.
Very few seem to understand the pain I feel, and that it’s not about him it’s about me not coping.
I know there are many other mums and maybe dads too out there who know what I’m talking about?
How long does it last?…

Forgot to say I’m single and have been for almost 10 years so it really has been just the two of us.

maybe get a pet?

Oh bless you. He’s not gone forever. Focus on hobbies and interests that you have. When he’s back you’ll both have lovely stuff to catch up on.

I’m feeling it too, OP. My daughter went 3 weeks ago and I miss her so much. We are very close and I’m trying very hard not to keep checking on her or put any demands on her just to appease my sadness, but it’s much harder than I expected it to be.

I’m told it does get easier and she will be back before I know it, but it feels like such a long time.

By October half term I had adjusted but it feels such a wrench. Visiting helps alongside lots of survival packages to keep her cheerful. Christmas will soon be here hang in there.

its meant to help i didt know it was rude sorry

Ah I'm really sorry it's so hard
I hope you feel a bit lighter soon x

I’m in my third year of this - an only child but I have a DH at home too. It does feel so strange, and I am sure it must feel even stranger (and sadder) if it’s just you left at home. It does get easier - and then suddenly they are back and you have to readjust!

It’s great he is enjoying uni - I hope that helps make it feel a bit better.

In terms of what to do, are there any things at home that you can adjust to make things easier for you? I’ve nicked my DS room for hobbies and clothes drying (temporarily of course) and am enjoying having a little more space to myself.

I don't think the poster was being insensitive at all.
My cats helped me so much when my severely disabled son went into adult supported living. It broke my heart and there were nights when I would just cuddle my cats and cry for him.

It's not rude at all. I totally understand where you were coming from with that. x

i am sorry about your son hope the cat is helping

Sorry I don't know the answer to your question.
But I just want to say I will be you in 3 short years and I don't actually know how I'm going to cope with the pain.
I was given the love of my life 15 years ago. I've loved and looked after the most extraordinary boy for all those years and every day I'm head over heels in love with him.
How I will function when he leaves in 3 years I do not know.
And how us mums are expected to just simply adapt to the grief of experieriencing such trauma I do not know either.
I'm sorry OP.
I hope you are ok.
I understand.
I don't know how long this sadness lasts.
I imagine there must forever be a sadness of what has been lost.
But I do know it's as things should be. Children are supposed to grow up and leave home.
The pain though, is unimaginable.

2-3 weeks for me. And mine went to uni overseas! An 8 hour flight! I used to obsessively wait for Christmas and Summer breaks.

Just seen some pps are talking of "grief, sadness and trauma" - please don't think it's going to be like this. It is NOT traumatic. It's a brilliant opportunity for them, and that's what you will find yourself focusing on.

It’s a perfectly reasonable suggestion. No one is saying a pet is a replacement but her son doesn’t need replacing- he’ll be back before long. Not sure it’s helpful for people to act as if something dreadful has happened.

OP, I would encourage you to focus on the positive and organise some nice things for yourself over the next few weeks. You know that this is actually a happy occasion, it’s just a change and you will adjust. You can help the process along by filling your own life up with some fun things. For me it took a few weeks- I still missed DC but in a positive way (feeling excited for them and about seeing them) rather than tearful and sad. Maybe get a date in the diary to visit or plan something nice for when he is home at Christmas.

Same here, single parent, my only dd has just gone. For myself I'm actually doing ok, but I worry about dd and whether she's making friends, cooking, looking after herself properly. She's neurodiverse and not telling me much at the moment.

I hope this doesn't come across that I'm belittling your pain as that is not my intention at all.

I just know I would find it so much easier if my son was off to university living his life to the full, making new friends and having that independence and freedom.
It breaks my heart to think of him alone in his room in his care home. He has to be there for the level of care he needs (and I'm carer for his younger brother who also has complex needs) but there are times when I would give anything for him to experience the life he missed out on.

That said I do understand how hard it is as I have experienced what you are going through with my two middle children. I just tell myself that they are growing up according to life's plan. As long as they are happy then that's all I can hope for.
It's natural for us as mum's to feel sad.

I only hope my eldest son is happy in his own world too.

I think that's a great idea. Dogs are wonderful company. They also give you a routine and get you outside which is meant to be the best way to improve a low mood.

There are a huge amount of dogs in rescue waiting for a loving home. Rescue one and they will rescue you right back!

I absolutely get this. Up there with the hardest things I have ever done. Like you, not a crier, and the pain in your heart is real. I was heartbroken. I had to keep telling myself that this was for them to establish themselves as adults and take the next step in life (and if they were missing me, it would be loads worse - the knowledge that he has taken a step forward and is loving it is brilliant and should give you some comfort) You know, it DOES get easier, especially once they are home for the first time and go back, the second time is nowhere near as bad. When you are close to your child you end up involved anyway in their lives and they are home for quite long durations at times. (so much you will actually encourage them to go back - you won't believe me now, but check on 3 years and you will be completely with this) For them, it is a brilliant chance at life with the backing of a loving Mum at home. It is a bit sad for a while, but they would hate you to be sad. So try not to be....for them. it will honestly soon become the "new normal" but it takes a bit of time. Hope this helps xxxx

I was you 10 years ago. It took a good 6 weeks to stop tearing up everytime I thought of her. I still cried (in the car/house) everytime she or I left after a visit. It does pass and so went on to have the best 4 years of my life.

Thank you for the sympathy, I really appreciate the kind words.
I do have a little dog and believe it or not he’s sad too <facepalm> but yes it helps cuddling him

I understand this isn’t by far a first world problem and I completely get how much more difficult it must be when the DC are having a tough time.

For me it’s the unexpected strength of this feeling and the fact that I’m still crying a week later….. I’ve never been this broken hearted 💔

Our dog grieved with each child that went to university and as they moved out. I made a post about it at Christmas where he was grieving as 2 had been back for an extended time and then both left, so many said their dogs and cats were the same..

I agree with the october half term for that run over feeling to disapear.

You do find your new normal but its ok to feel like your life has turned on it's Axel. As it has.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time op. This will potentially be me in 3 years and it just seems so close. The years will Wizz by. Dd is talking about going away for uni. She’s our only dc. We’re lucky that we don’t have any other dc, and financially are good so wherever she goes I can visit often (my work is very flexible).
well done for raising a confident boy! I think I’d try and hold on to that. It would be worse if he was miserable and struggling.

If it's any consolation you have done a fabulous job if he leaves happy to make his way in the world. They do boomerang back for a few years. Ours have all finally left home for their own places in their mid twenties and for the first time this year we are properly empty nesters. Mind you, they still haven't taken all their stuff!

It's not, my mum got a dog when my dad left and it gave her something to focus on