To reconnect with estranged sibling… or not?

[AutumnDuck]

My older brother and I have been estranged for about 6 years. We don’t have a specific argument, more a general mutual distrust and old disagreements.

We have an emotionally immature mother (narcissistic tendencies). Our younger sister loves and is close to us both, but much more to me.

Growing up, we all competed in our mum’s favourite sport, although I was the one to excel in it, & had tons of time & money spent on me to do it. My brother started refusing to take part at age 14, and never went back. He has (understandably) resentment around that.

He is probably undiagnosed autism spectrum. Struggles to stay in jobs, as usually falls out with boss after 1 or 2 yrs. he’s a lovely bloke if you meet him to chat, but mental health has always been shaky.

I’ve had a lot of therapy, and now realise how much our tricky mum and enabling dad influenced us as children. Mum never wants to tell my brother off, just fauns to him, tries to fluff up his ego/confidence. Whereas she has been in the past very very tough on me.

Our Dad is on the sidelines, lets mum run the show. He thinks he is loving and kind.. but I think he is also culpable. He could have been a more active parent and stopped her worst parenting habits (shouting, threats, hitting, bullying). But he is scared of her too!

Anyway back to the present. Siblings and I all on our 40’s. Brother and I have moved away (to separate places). I hear he is doing ok, although his marriage is shaky. Last time I tried to get in touch via WhatsApp was to tell him about some inheritance stuff, and he didn’t reply. He speaks to my sister though, so we can communicate through her.

I have kids and feel slightly sad he’s not at all in their lives. He has some qualities to offer them.

So my question is, for anyone in a similar situation - do I try to reconnect?

Our aging parents are going to be passing on in all likelihood in the next 10 yrs or so. I could wait until then, but my kids will have grown up.

My life is happy without him in it - do I risk this to try to connect? My husband doesn’t like him, and he has plenty reason not to. But he would never suggest staying by estranged if I didn’t want to.

Curious if anyone has been in a similar situation and how it went for you?

I feel deeply sorry for my brother,

I wouldn’t! He is living far away from your parents and has very little to do with them.

This is so smart -

‘ I need to be around people who enhance my life and have positive energy, and if they don't then there's no reason for me to be around them. All of the detail doesn't matter.’

Thank you

A lot of my therapy was around learning to believe myself and trust my own judgement - I have a way to go, but also I have come a long way.

I need to be around people who enhance my life and have positive energy, and if they don't then there's no reason for me to be around them. All of the detail doesn't matter

exactly!

Not having your awful mother in your life would be the biggest improvement I think you coild
make

I think that you have it right were you say that your mother wants to be the center of attention.
This has formed your sibling relationship.
Remeber though that at one point you were the favoured child (sport) and then for some reason this switched.
Probably because your mother realised that your brother wasn't being supported and will be linked to an event in his life. (mental health etc.)

Your brother probably is also prbably grieving the sister that he never had as he was also manipulated etc. growing up.

However, you can build a relationship with him if you are both willing to have one without your mother being the central part of it.

Remeber though that at one point you were the favoured child (sport) and then for some reason this switched.

yes that’s was I’m intrigued about. The Op was the golden child for years. And then it switched. When @AutumnDuck ?

I think I’ve misdescribed the golden child thing, as I don’t believe there was ever a switch as such

as @Namechangedforspooky brilliantly said, all 3 of us kids were ‘being played’ by a narcissist- we all helped satiate her needs for grandiosity, specialness, being ‘better’ than other people…just in different ways.

My brother ‘escaped’ the sport at 14 when he finally refused to continue; up until then he was doing it every day alongside me. She regularly told me he was ‘naturally better at it than me’…

When he stopped, only I was left to keep supply going for Mum. She tried many times to get him back into it but he was done. He really had to yell and refuse to get his point across! So At this point, she started pouring all the money and attention & training onto me - I think I knew this was the best way to keep her happy and have her attention which every kid is wired to want & need, right? Also it was all I knew, & I was actually good at it to be fair, so I won prizes etc which kept the whole show on the road for years.. it became my identity! I totally squashed my real passions to keep going in the sport.

By the way, if you said any of this to my mum she would be completely clueless. In her mind she sacrificed a lot to give us the perfect childhood! One that she herself would have loved as a kid. She decided who we would be from day 1. That’s the thing that’s taken years for me to acknowledge and heal - how to know what I want, in small and big ways - to listen to my own voice and not just be a performing monkey for others - which I got SO good at!

But after having kids I started to see I would never treat them the way I was treated in sooooo many ways, and the whole construct of my life kind of unraveled

Sadly I think it’s too late for my brother and me. I feel compassion for us as little kids, and see how we spent every day desperately trying to please our mother

I hope he’s made some sense of it too. I hope he has a great life

Growing up, we all competed in our mum’s favourite sport, although I was the one to excel in it, & had tons of time & money spent on me to do it. My brother started refusing to take part at age 14, and never went back. He has (understandably) resentment around that.

There has been points where you or him have been favoured and elevated by this appalling woman. He saw through it at 14 and has very healthily put distance between him and this vile woman.

I hope at some point you do the same. Good luck

You may want a relationship with him, for your kids - but it doesn't really sound like he wants a relationship with you/your kids. He doesn't communicate with you, but will communicate with your sibling, that may suggest he's content with the current lack of contact.

Sounds like he has sought therapy and followed it - put in major distance with your family given your awful childhood. He clearly was closer to his younger sibling so has maintained a relationship with there but I don’t see him changing his stance on this. He’s doing something healthy for him and his family.

In your shoes I would do the same @AutumnDuck