To reconnect with estranged sibling… or not?

[AutumnDuck]

My older brother and I have been estranged for about 6 years. We don’t have a specific argument, more a general mutual distrust and old disagreements.

We have an emotionally immature mother (narcissistic tendencies). Our younger sister loves and is close to us both, but much more to me.

Growing up, we all competed in our mum’s favourite sport, although I was the one to excel in it, & had tons of time & money spent on me to do it. My brother started refusing to take part at age 14, and never went back. He has (understandably) resentment around that.

He is probably undiagnosed autism spectrum. Struggles to stay in jobs, as usually falls out with boss after 1 or 2 yrs. he’s a lovely bloke if you meet him to chat, but mental health has always been shaky.

I’ve had a lot of therapy, and now realise how much our tricky mum and enabling dad influenced us as children. Mum never wants to tell my brother off, just fauns to him, tries to fluff up his ego/confidence. Whereas she has been in the past very very tough on me.

Our Dad is on the sidelines, lets mum run the show. He thinks he is loving and kind.. but I think he is also culpable. He could have been a more active parent and stopped her worst parenting habits (shouting, threats, hitting, bullying). But he is scared of her too!

Anyway back to the present. Siblings and I all on our 40’s. Brother and I have moved away (to separate places). I hear he is doing ok, although his marriage is shaky. Last time I tried to get in touch via WhatsApp was to tell him about some inheritance stuff, and he didn’t reply. He speaks to my sister though, so we can communicate through her.

I have kids and feel slightly sad he’s not at all in their lives. He has some qualities to offer them.

So my question is, for anyone in a similar situation - do I try to reconnect?

Our aging parents are going to be passing on in all likelihood in the next 10 yrs or so. I could wait until then, but my kids will have grown up.

My life is happy without him in it - do I risk this to try to connect? My husband doesn’t like him, and he has plenty reason not to. But he would never suggest staying by estranged if I didn’t want to.

Curious if anyone has been in a similar situation and how it went for you?

Do YOU like him? Because it sounds like you do, at least a bit.

I'm estranged from 3 siblings because I don't like them and they'd just upset me without any gain. Unless you clearly feel that about him, you have reason to want to try again.

I would be cautious about re-connecting - maybe test the waters by sending Christmas and birthday cards and see how things go?

I kind of agree. If you like him forge a relationship. It will have to be a bespoke one based on both your needs as like you say your upbringing had its challenges so I think don't look at the mould of an ideal sibling relationship as youll feel it never matches up to that.

Also for yourself keep boundaries - my mum (think its a mums and sons thing) has the sun shines out his arse thing with my brother, and he's become a lovely mysogynist who seems to think that womens role is to meet his practical and emotional needs. He would get annoyed if I don't contact him.

So maybe a fixed timeframe of contact in your head.

Sounds like you would be actively inviting even more crappy drama in to your life. But maybe that’s how you roll

Perhaps ask your younger sister if she could diplomatically find out whether your brother has expressed an interest in having a relationship with you?
It’s clear you have an interest in inviting him back into your life, but it also sounds like there are reasons he wouldn’t want you in his.
Also, I’m always wary of family members thinking others have undiagnosed neurodiversity. Perhaps he does, or perhaps you only see a difficult side of him. The way you write about him in general is quite judgemental and that will not go well if you do reform a relationship.

This is so helpful thanks

Reading everyone’s replies, I’ve realised I am judgemental about him, yes. He’s done a lot of dodgy stuff I actively disagree/disapprove off, and never to my knowledge really made amends. He tends to just cut people off - I guess like he did with me.

I’ve realised it’s hugely problematic to expect a new positive relationship with someone I have such low expectations of, and while I feel like I’ve moved on from the toxic patterns of our early years, I’m not sure we’d know how to relate to each other in a different way. It would probably just fall back to the old ways, where I faun to him ( like our mother does) and he feels patronised by me/resents me…

Wow in just a few short replies this has already helped a lot

I guess I’m grieving the brother I don’t have.

But plenty of people have estranged siblings and for good reason

Brutal, but also nailed it 😂

“I guess I’m grieving the brother I don’t have”

I think that’s the significant realisation you needed to have. You have a brother, he wasn’t the brother you want and never will be. But because he exists you are seeking to still have the relationship you wanted to have. When in fact it will only ever be the relationship it already is.

With one of my siblings, we wish each other happy birthday and happy Christmas, there might be an occasional contact another time if something relevant to say. But we don’t spend time together, we don’t visit each other, because we just don’t really get on well. I don’t enjoy their company nor them mine. But at a base level we care enough to communicate 3 ish times a year.

I also think, and I mean this kindly, it would help you a lot to move past thinking about your parents’ relationship with each of you. You’ve mentioned it a few times here, mum fawns to him, dad enables, mum is hard on me, etc. You are an adult now and responsible for your own relationships with other people. Your mum fawning to you brother is entirely separate from how you feel towards him. You can only truly ‘grow up’ when you stop seeing your relationships with others through the lens of your parents.

Your sister sounds like she might be the best bet to find out whether he wants a relationship with you. Underneath the surface, do you like him, and does he like you?

For me, I wouldn't actively go out of my way to reconnect with my very LC sibling (we just see each other at occasional family gatherings), because we are two very different people who don't have anything in common beyond our eye colour and parents. We have never been close, even as children. Throw in the fact that we live 100 miles apart, and I'm quite content to keep things as they are.

Thanks, this is astute

A huge part of me moving away was to get clarity on my own life, my own relationships.

My Mum is a huge character - and her narcissistic tendencies means she loves to be at the centre of everything in the family. To put it more brutally she is a controlling shit-stirrer!

Until recently we all operated totally in her orbit, and the necessary realisation that I can and should physically and mentally separate myself has been both painful but wonderful.

The growing-up point is harsh but fair - I guess it's a process. Me acknowledging that I will never have the relationship I would have liked with either her, or my brother, is fundamental to it I think. It's sad, but it is what it is, and when I'm away from them I do really well. And that's ok.

As the other poster said - why seek drama. I have wonderful friends who can be better role models to my kids than my brother can.

I was estranged from my brother. Probably very similar family dynamics to yours with favoured children and parents not really parenting in a good way. My brother died unexpectedly last year.Age 58. For the last year I have supported my mother through her grief, had the burden of dealing with my brothers intestate estate and all that entailed. After my mother goes i will never think about my brother again. I know the relationship we had. I had long moved on, didnt like his value set.

No don't bother.
If it's not there dont push it
Your kids will be alright without your brother.

Why do you have contact with your mother? She sounds like a pretty appalling individual

I think you could try one small, low-pressure attempt at reconnecting, without expecting anything from him. You can’t know how he’ll respond, but it might be worth leaving the door open, especially while your children are still young. If he doesn’t respond, at least you’ll know you tried, and you can leave the next step with him.

You’ve tried before and got no response, so what do you think will be different this time?

The question isn’t whether you should reconnect with a disinterested sibling, it is why on earth do you continue to have a connection with an narcissistic deeply unpleasant mother and a pathetic father @AutumnDuck ?

It’s a tricky one. In many ways going no contact would free me, but it would devastate my parents and my sister who still lives close by.

• she’s a loving grandma; I wouldn’t want her to parent my kids god no, but she’s capable of giving them wonderful short visits
• despite everything, she has given me a lot. She dragged herself up from an impoverished start in life and built a whole new life, and gave us what her brain thought was the best thing (an obsession with her favourite sport)
• the bullying doesn’t happen now as I limit my visits and if she gets shitty I tell her off and leave.
• there are pockets of goodness to be found in our relationship, if I keep watertight boundaries; which I’m better able to do now I live far away

I completely support people who need to go no contact, but I feel I’ve reached a contented place that I have control over.

Just to offer another perspective. I recognise the family dynamics I think as similar to mine but with me I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child of a narcissistic, very angry and controlling mother.
I am in contact with my brother but I would be lying to say it was easy. I resent the constant comparisons that my mum makes and I know she has fed him a steady stream of lies about me (because he sometimes repeats them back to me!).
Anyway, less about me. This is a roundabout way of saying I think you are focusing your anger a bit on the wrong person. You seem much more negative about your brother’s behaviour than your mum but your brother is in part a product of the less favoured way he was raised (I know how he feels so maybe I’m projecting!).
I think go easy on him, baby steps. Don’t expect it to be wonderful but maybe just a quiet reconnection that you can build on over time if you both wish.
Families are rarely black and white and it is unlikely that he is solely to blame in this dynamic.
I hope this makes some sort of sense

edited for typo

Thanks so much for this

Weirdly, he is kind of her golden child, even though he’s the one that’s struggled the most with mental health, work etc. She always made excuses for him and tried to fluff his ego, keeping him enmeshed with her for too long, until thankfully his wife moved them away.

I was hugely lucky to be born with an academic brain.. although I used it to try and please her for the first 35 years of my life!! Thanks to therapy I can now see the triangulation, and how as siblings our relationship could never be ‘real’ with a mother that insists on pulling the strings and centering herself at every opportunity

She will gleefully tell me mean things he’s said to her on the phone about me, because she loves to know things other people don’t, and be a key person in the drama, and she has no filter.

She also swears she wants us to be close again, but fails to see that she is the last person what could ever bring that about. …Although she did once say that maybe we would reconcile once she’s gone, which was surprisingly insightful.

I feel deeply sorry for my brother, and writing this all out has shown that while there are parts of his personality I like, I fundamentally don’t respect him, and how can you make a relationship if you’re disappointed in them more often than not 😔

It sounds very very familiar. I was the academic one too, arguably the more successful career wise but nothing I did was ever good enough and my brother’s achievements were the ones that were celebrated.
if you can step back a bit from this maybe you can reconnect with your brother. It might involve acknowledging just how damaging your mum’s behaviour has been to both of you. Triangulation is exactly it.

I also agree that the golden child / scapegoat role often isn’t clear cut either. Just an awareness that you have both been played by a narcissist in different ways might help with trying to reconnect.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

My husband doesn’t like him, and he has plenty reason not to

What are the reasons? You and your brother are in your 40s so if it’s about childhood disagreements then you both really need to let it go. Childhood can influence how we are but we can’t blame all our problems on our parents as we make our own decisions as adults and can change. He also didn’t text you back so just ignore him now. If you don’t like your parents and brother then you can go low contact.

Thanks @Namechangedforspooky

”I also agree that the golden child / scapegoat role often isn’t clear cut either. Just an awareness that you have both been played by a narcissist in different ways might help with trying to reconnect.”

—‘both been played by a narcissist’ is exactly it. Thank you

I have been estranged from all of my siblings for about seven years and I knew I would never reconnect with any of them once I'd made the decision. I don't really go through any similar thought processes of justifying my reasons or labelling behaviours. I need to be around people who enhance my life and have positive energy, and if they don't then there's no reason for me to be around them. All of the detail doesn't matter.

If you are asking other people's opinion on whether you should reconnect I'd say no, because there's a higher chance of things making you feel worse than making you feel better, and it's important to do what is best for you.

Can’t believe you let someone like this, as you describe you mum, around your kids tbh

Growing up, we all competed in our mum’s favourite sport, although I was the one to excel in it, & had tons of time & money spent on me to do it. My brother started refusing to take part at age 14, and never went back. He has (understandably) resentment around that.

Initially he was very much the scapegoat and you were the golden child @AutumnDuck ? And then it changed?