Sister pregnant but not engaged, should I be worried?

[Dohraymefar]

My Dsis has just announced her first pregnancy. I am happy for her but worried about her situation.

6 months ago she moved in with her DP of a year and told us she was expecting he’d propose very shortly. Marriage is important to her (he knows this) and we thought they’d get engaged this summer. He hasn’t done so, and now this planned pregnancy announcement but no hint of engagement/wedding. She just looked sad when I brought it up so I quickly changed the subject.

I can’t help worrying that he’s not fully committed to her. He seems to have everything on his own terms. Please tell me I’m wrong and this will all be fine.

Was the baby planned?
If not I’d be concerned that, if he isn’t ready to commit to marriage, he might not be ready to be a committed family man.

'and now this planned pregnancy announcement'

If they are happy about the baby just be happy for them, OP.

It's up to them how they go about their life.

I don't think engagements give any sort of security if that's what your sister wants. If marriage is important to her why didn't she wait until she was married before getting pregnant. Is she very young.

Marriage is important to her

As you said the pregnancy is planned, then no, marriage is not that important to her.

Even if he bought her an engagement ring, that's not a marriage certificate, so what difference would it make?

Depends. Does she have a good job good mat pay and plans to return to work?
Does she own property? Savings?
So long as she is not financially dependent on him and his good will she can get married later.
P.s engaged means nothing

Thanks for the responses. To answer some questions - she’s early 30s. Also it’s the marriage part that’s important to her, I’m talking about an engagement as the start of that process rather than an end in itself.

They've only been dating a short time, I wouldn't expect marriage after a year of dates.

Hopefully she's financially independent, owns her own assets etc.

Engagement holds zero legal standing so if she wants security it's marriage she needs.

They can get married for a couple of hundred quid all-in if it's important to them...

Why do you keep saying it's important to her if she's moved in and deliberately conceived a baby with him, without being married?

I guess because it has always featured heavily in conversations about how she wants her future to pan out. I know if this was on her terms she would be married first, DC after.

They why didn't she insist on her terms?

He didn't force her to live with him and have baby, I take it.

Also, why is she waiting for him to propose when she could just as easily do it?

I wouldn't be surprised if they don't get married. Why did your sister look sad? Do you think she maybe thought getting pregnant would encourage him to commit to marriage.

Sorry OP but presumably if she has made no secret of wanting to get married and that it is important to her then presumably her partner is very aware of this. The fact that she has gone ahead and moved in with him and has agreed to have a baby with him without marriage first is sending a very clear message to him that he can manipulate her into accepting what he wants. I very much doubt he has any intention of marrying her. I hope she is protecting herself financially and in their housing arrangements.

I am the baby that was secretly conceived in the hope of a wedding band. It rarely works.

Maybe it was more practical to have babies first given the cost of weddings and kids combined with her already being early 30s. She might have worried it would take longer to conceive

I think you have justifiable concerns. I don't think there's anything to gain, and there are things to lose by voicing them.

Sadly it seems when push came to shove she didn't have enough confidence to insist on marriage first

I expect he's told her they'll get married after or that they're having a baby and that shows enough commitment on his part and anyway marriage is just a piece of paper

it's sad but there's nothing you can do

Tell her to keep her job and own finances, and have her own savings fund. If there is no marriage she has to take care of herself… bills should be a percentage of personal income including mat leave

Kids are way more expensive than a registry office wedding and a drink at the local pub.

It depends on what's more important, an expensive wedding or a marriage.

If marriage is important to her she should have insisted on it before conceiving. She's been fooled, but she's not the first and won't be the last.

Not a lot you can do about it though.

The time to be concerned was before.

I know it's old fashioned but if you give a man all the benefits of marriage (children, childcare, housekeeping) without requiring a financial commitment from him, why would he marry?

I'm going to assume DSis is the lower earner and most likely to have her career stalled by parenthood.....otherwise they'd be married.

Has she actually asked (proposed) to him herself?
If it's that important why hasn't she done the asking?
If it's that important they could get the licences this week and be married within a month.

Engagement doesn't mean anything. It's the marriage that's the important bit. It doesn't look like he's going to marry her. She should propose to him and if he agrees get married immediately. If he makes excuses or tries to kick the can down the road she should move out and under no circumstances give the baby his surname. If he doesn't step up he doesn't deserve the name check.

Not everyone wants a drink at a pub and a cheap registry office, and that’s absolutely fine if they’ve decided to save up and have kids first.

He's not going to marry her
Your sister has put herself in silly position if she really wants marriage .
I dont accept the.. oh well her biological clock is ticking and weddings are expensive..
Only if you want to be princess for the day
Whose Idea was the "planned" pregnancy?
At best your sister can hope for a shut up ring
She had given away far too much
He now holds the power
So foolish
If marriage is what she really wants