My 15yo cousin is moving to India, would foster care be the better option? How should we go about this?

[OneWaryOchreCat]

To start this off, I want to apologize in advance if this isn't at all the place for this. I really don't know where else to look for advice from people who might have experience with things such as foster care or cultural differences.

I have a 15 year old cousin from my mom's side, because of some unfortunate events I won't go into too much, her mom isn't able to care for her anymore. She would either have to live in foster care or live with us as we are her closest family. That's nothing too crazy on it's own, the problem is that we are Indian and she's European and she would have to move to India. We've talked to people in those adoption and foster care agencies and they said it's okay and that we will just have to update frequently and that they might send some representatives to do a checkup from time to time.

My area is pretty tradition oriented, so I have some concerns. Firstly, the culture is very very different from what my sister is used to and I'm not sure how it's gonna go having her adapt to it. I'm not sure where we should even start so she eases into it without being too pushy and making a bad situation worse. She would need to learn what clothes to wear, how to greet people, how to sit, house manners, EVERYTHING. I'm also concerned about the fact she's white, as bad as that might sound. She's going to stick out a lot no matter what she wears or how she acts and that might be a problem. I've gotten so much weird things said to me and I'm literally half white and don't even look like it. I'm not concerned about it when she's with us but she might have to be alone at times and who knows what can happen. She'll have to go to a private school that teaches in different languages and we won't be there throughout the day.

I'm don't know how my family should go about this and if we should go about it anyway. We have explained to my cousin most of what she will have to adapt to and she says she's okay with it but I just don't think she realizes the amount of things that are different. I know she picked this over foster care because it's with people she actually knows but I'm thinking foster care might actually be the better option because of how many things she'd need to learn, change and adapt to.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on this topic? Once again, I'm sorry for posting this because I'm neither a parent nor from the UK, but I just thought it might be okay to post here. I can delete this if necessary.

@likelysuspect they do fund state boarding in just these sorts of situations because it’s cheaper than foster care!

Another vote for boarding school and visits to you in the holidays. Two things stand out - the disruption to her education and increased uni costs if she spends 3 years in India, and secondly that you say she would need to ‘learn what to wear’. Why couldn’t she carry on wearing her own clothes, that does rather suggest that she would be expected to make a lot of changes to fit in rather than being welcomed and accepted for who she already is.

I would look at citizenship / entitlement to reside in different countries. Is she British? Of another European nationality? Is she Indian? Is she entitled to any other citizenship? Would she acquire a new one if you adopt her?

There are probably long term advantages to her in having dual or tri citizenship if you can make that happen.

If she's 15 in Year 11 she really needs to stay exactly where she is education wise until summer 2027 when she finishes her GCSEs. If she's 15 in Year 10 any move abroad is likely to disrupt her education enough that she wouldn't be able to take a full set of GCSEs in 2028.

I would think about whether it's feasible for one of you to come over and live with her in a flat (assuming her mother's house isn't available) - would UK Immigration authorities allow this?

I broadly think she should finish her education in the UK at 18/19 and then perhaps consider a gap year in India pre uni or pre job hunting so she can discover more about that side of her family / learn the language and customs. If she's permitted to work in India that could give her more opportunities job wise. But other people are right re it being better for her to retain ordinary residence in the UK re uni fees.

There are also advantages to being a Care Leaver going to university in terms of additional financial support so foster care may be a better option. There is a duty in LAs to promote contact so there shouldn't be any problem with her being in foster care and you coming to visit her / her travelling to visit you or with you being in contact by phone etc.

Erm no we dont

The school boarding element needs to be paid for and needs to be a reason why that would be her care plan, its quite exceptional.

But that presupposes the child would be in foster care anyway, I asked at the top of the thread who had decided the child should or would be in foster care to begin with, who has made that assessment? Foster care isnt just something you waltz in and out of and make a choice about.

If the child is 'in care' she wont be being placed in holiday times in India. If the child is not 'in care' the LA wont be paying 25k a year boarding

Far better to be with family if possible. Abuse is rife in the care system… if she’s less likely to be sexually abused where you are then obviously facing cultural change, learning languages and being looked at sideways are lesser evils.

And who is paying for this?

To all the people who say the girl should not be brought to live in India, despite the child herself wishing to do so, where do you think she should live?

If a UK state boarding school is an option combined with holidays with her extended family in India, I agree that's ideal, but otherwise, are there really people who think living with a series of foster carers for the next three years is better than living with family, even if they are on another continent?

Yes, there's friends and continuity in education, but since this child is being removed from her parents/mother, it's reasonable to assume that she's experienced a degree of trauma and is unlikely to benefit from being passed around like a parcel from carer to carer until she gets turfed out at age 18.

I'm pretty sure if you googled it, the percentage of kids coming out of foster care and then going to university is very small - you are more likely to end up homeless than in halls of residence. A combination of boarding school and time spent with caring family would likely provide better life outcomes.

What a tricky situation for you all. Maybe she could come on some visits first to see the area and the traditions to gain a better understanding?

I’m still involved with my former state boarding school and there are absolutely kids there with LA funding as it is cheaper than full time fostering, esp if there is a grandparent or similar about to cover holidays but who couldn’t manage full time. The boarding population is very mixed between local children with parents who want/need a longer wraparound care day, forces kids or others with parents abroad for work and children there as an alternative to fulltime fostering/home as they have holiday options. Plus local day pupils. Currently also a significant group of Ukrainian students sponsored by churches.

State boarding is a lot cheaper as more basic, and you are only paying for the out of school hours time and school dinners/ instrument lessons - the normal school day is funded like a normal state day school. Terms often shorter to extend the school day to keep out of hours costs down.

Social services will want to send her to India because it's cheaper for them than foster care or boarding school. I would insist she goes to boarding school and spends holidays with you.

I can’t imagine a 15 year old will want to go to India. Has she been asked?

They're not there because 'its cheaper than full time fostering' they are there because that is deemed to be their best interests and it being their care plan IF they are a child looked after.

No one has said this child needs to be a child in care, the LA will look at how the parents plural can be supported to care for her, what changes they can make and then what family she has to care for her both here and in other countries.

You also use the phrase 'LA funding' as if that is definitely social care, in rare cases, education may be paying this which are the Local Authority, but it may not be social care. In any case even if it is social care it is highly exceptional but must be done in accordance with the care plan. It also depends on how the child's care placement is set up and what legal status they are subject to.

Culturally, India is very different. VERY different.

It depends where she will be in India, and within that space whether she's safeguarded and supported as needed.

My key concern would be safety. Especially when your cousin is a young female.

But anything is possible if the safeguards are put in place as needed.

I actually think she would probably be better off in Foster Care. I say this for someone who went into Care in London at 14 years old - This was around 20 years ago now.

If she goes into foster care rather than a children’s home, she should be okay. I live in both and in the children’s home it was wild and full of wild lawless kids. In Foster care it was different because you’re with an actual family - I had good experiences and bad experiences, but it was a lot better than children’s home. Make sure you keep in regular contact with her so she doesn’t feel isolated and alone.

She would get her own place via supported living at 16 or entirely her own place at 18 - unnecessary system has changed from when I was in care. As long as she has a good head on her shoulders and good support, she should be okay.

I think that is the better option rather than sending her over to India. As a white person in India, she would stand out like a sore thumb and having to adjust to the cultural differences would be such a big challenge - and she may not like it. I’m Asian and I would absolutely hate moving to India.

Are you able to take her to India so she can experience it for a while before a decision has to be made? At 15, maybe she just isn’t fully aware of what it would entail. I see that past posters are saying things like, she shouldn’t have to conform and she should be able to be who she is but in India, everything is different And she couldn’t dress or act how she does in the UK.

I really feel sorry for her and yourself as well because it is such a hard decision and situation to be dealing with.

Where in India are you? It sounds like you have the means to send her to a decent school that teaches in English. If she’s your cousin but is fully white doesn’t that mean you’re mixed? If so it can’t be traditional a culture. What foster care options were offered? Are there no other family members available in the UK. None of what you’re saying is making a whole heap of sense. Speaking as someone of S Asian origin born and brought up in the UK - I’m struggling to even imagine the cultural environment you’re talking about given what you’ve said about family circumstances. Also can’t imagine social services even giving her that option.

Im going to jump on to agree with previous posts re boarding school. It doesn't even matter if they're private. As a looked after child the local council should pay for this. She could spend holidays in India and learn about the culture and be with her family then.

In most countries, and India is a huge country, you can learn in English, and she could attend either an international day school or a boarding school in English. It's very important that she continues to be educated and get qualifications in English, either in India or in the UK (or European country). I've seen first-hand how difficult it is for teens to move country and fall behind educationally; it hammers self-esteem, for starters. I agree that foster care might not be the worst option.

Staying out of the care system would be my biggest concern.

It must be an awful situation for her.

International school is a good idea.

When I was 15, the same age as this young person, my widowed mother went into hospital for several months, and I had no control whatsoever about what happened to me. I was slung into a children's home at very short notice and against my will. At least if the girl has some input into her own immediate future, it would be better than what I went through.