My 15yo cousin is moving to India, would foster care be the better option? How should we go about this?

[OneWaryOchreCat]

To start this off, I want to apologize in advance if this isn't at all the place for this. I really don't know where else to look for advice from people who might have experience with things such as foster care or cultural differences.

I have a 15 year old cousin from my mom's side, because of some unfortunate events I won't go into too much, her mom isn't able to care for her anymore. She would either have to live in foster care or live with us as we are her closest family. That's nothing too crazy on it's own, the problem is that we are Indian and she's European and she would have to move to India. We've talked to people in those adoption and foster care agencies and they said it's okay and that we will just have to update frequently and that they might send some representatives to do a checkup from time to time.

My area is pretty tradition oriented, so I have some concerns. Firstly, the culture is very very different from what my sister is used to and I'm not sure how it's gonna go having her adapt to it. I'm not sure where we should even start so she eases into it without being too pushy and making a bad situation worse. She would need to learn what clothes to wear, how to greet people, how to sit, house manners, EVERYTHING. I'm also concerned about the fact she's white, as bad as that might sound. She's going to stick out a lot no matter what she wears or how she acts and that might be a problem. I've gotten so much weird things said to me and I'm literally half white and don't even look like it. I'm not concerned about it when she's with us but she might have to be alone at times and who knows what can happen. She'll have to go to a private school that teaches in different languages and we won't be there throughout the day.

I'm don't know how my family should go about this and if we should go about it anyway. We have explained to my cousin most of what she will have to adapt to and she says she's okay with it but I just don't think she realizes the amount of things that are different. I know she picked this over foster care because it's with people she actually knows but I'm thinking foster care might actually be the better option because of how many things she'd need to learn, change and adapt to.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on this topic? Once again, I'm sorry for posting this because I'm neither a parent nor from the UK, but I just thought it might be okay to post here. I can delete this if necessary.

And you'd be happy with everyone telling any daughters you may have how to dress, instead of accepting that she's from a different culture?

I feel your DP's experience as a male would be different to the OP's female cousin.

I was literally going to suggest the same holidays are long enough that she would still get family time.

@OhBumBags DP has a sister who went to Uni abroad and shes very well rounded, confident etc. All of the young people have very western values, they're just respectable around the elders. In my home texting at the dinner table and slouching are perfectly acceptable, at my inlaws you're expected to leave your phone aside and sit properly. It's not a big deal.

They wear western clothes including crop tops to parties etc but in front of elders they will be decently presented. A crop top would be indecent. i can get away with a lot being white but would be viewed as trash if i didn't comply. I am happy to forgo crop tops in India it's not a big deal.

Young people would never swear in front of an elder or be vulgar from my experience. There are elders who i was asked to touch their feet and i refused. I just greeted them with a namaste and noone challenged me.

We've talked to people in those adoption and foster care agencies and they said it's okay and that we will just have to update frequently and that they might send some representatives to do a checkup from time to time.

This does not sound remotely plausible.

I left my home country at 15 to live in the UK without my parents. Adapting was hard - it was so difficult, particularly at an age when you so much want to fit in with a tribe. The cultural difference was massive. The language was hard work, even though I had learnt English at school. Not India but FSU stans. I stayed with a family friend for nearly a year then went to weekly then termly boarding school for sixth form. I would really advocate for your cousin to stay in the UK - (state) boarding school would be better than local authority fostering or group home as the population would be more stable. I would also be wary of LA saying she prefers to come to you, as that is clearly easier and cheaper for them. They will undoubtedly pressure both of you for the option that suits them better.

Can she come visit you to see what she would be saying yes to?

Is boarding school an option? Or international school in India?

Or foster care but with her visiting you during holidays?

At 15 if she has no experience of an Indian lifestyle she may really struggle with all the social mores that will be imposed on her therefore I doubt this would be in her best interests however well meant.

Right but the OP hasn't said any of this has she?

She said...

"She would need to learn what clothes to wear, how to greet people, how to sit, house manners, EVERYTHING. I'm also concerned about the fact she's white, as bad as that might sound. She's going to stick out a lot no matter what she wears or how she acts and that might be a problem."

She's European.

She shouldn't need to 'learn what clothes to wear' because she's from a different culture, and that should be respected.

How much time have you spent with her? Has she ever been to India before?

Is she from the UK or another European country?

@OhBumBags i don't have a problem being more covered over there. She will need to decide whether she does or doesn't too and make that decision for herself.

Honestly, I wouldn’t send my white 15 year old girl to India considering the men there and their attitude towards sex.

UK has state boarding school. Maybe not as fancy as public but still.

As you describe being Indian and your life in India I wouldn't bring her to India. No.

She wants to live with you which is an important consideration. Why not trial it for a certain period? Are your friends and family likely to be welcoming? Does she have other family in India too - Dad or Uncle or grandparent? She may not be able to stay in the same school or same area going into foster care anyway so there may not be as much continuity there as it seems.

Honestly, she might love it. Sounds like she grew up in a difficult scenario - she might love to be part of a big Indian family. If she is choosing this then worth a try.

I worked in fostering and adoption in the UK. I worked with some lovely Indian couples who were very liberal. They did share that India is a racist place and those adopting would only take an Indian child as a white child wouldn't have been accepted by the wider family when they visited India. So from what I have heard about India, it sounds like a bad idea. You will know your own community better than me so maybe it will be okay where you are but you do seem to have some reservations.
Unfortunately, the care system in the UK isn't great either. If this is a teenager with no emotional or behavioural issues she has a chance of a nice foster placement and being welcomed in to a whole new family. If she ends up in a residential home, like many teens do, she isn't 'doomed' but her chances aren't as good.

My DD is a foster carer who has just taken in a 16 year old foster daughter who is English born Indian. There have been no obvious problems and it seems a simpler solution. The local authority should be able to find somebody suitable to foster her.

I dont understand your post. I am referring to state boarding schools.

I really feel for your cousin. To loose your mother and home is terrible, but to loose your country and culture at the same time is beyond imagination.
15 is a really important time for education and exams in the UK. She really does need to stay until she has sat her GCSE’s. I can’t believe social workers are supporting a move to India, especially at this important time. As many have said, boarding school would be the best option. There are a few state boarding schools left in the UK but they are rare. I would approach some of the wealthy, old boarding schools in the UK, to see if she could get a full scholarship ( if her family don’t have the means to pay). If social workers can’t help, then her current school could approach them. Rugby school has ‘The Arnold Scholarship’, for example. Children don’t necessarily have to be very academic, but to show promise and a good attitude to school and education. There are other, schools who do similar scholarships.
Good luck!

Don’t do it . She will suffer terribly moving from the west to India . It’s not similar but a colleague decided to move home to be close tie her dying mother and ended duo taking her 14 and 16 year olds . They struggled massively, it really harmed their relationship too . It’s too much of a cultural shock if all you know is the west .

I don't think that foster care is ever the better option.

If she will be loved and cared for, you can work the rest out.

I also think it's worth looking at International /British boarding schools in India - she might not want that but worth knowing what the options are.

This is a lovely response.
my children moved countries as teenagers. Whilst I would not understate the huge upheaval and culture shock,it did eventually work. I’m not underestimating how difficult it would be for a 15 year old but if moving to India is her choice she may adapt better than you think. Moreover the difficulties she will experience may benefit her later in life. My children are adults now and I feel they are more socially confident, outgoing and flexible as a result of the challenging move.

Maybe you missed where OP says ‘I think she picked this over foster care because…’ but also raises legitimate concerns that the girl does not fully appreciate what’s involved.

State boarding could be a good option, she can be educated in the uk but visit you in the longer holidays. Social services could help facilitate this. Is there any family who could have her stay for the shorter holidays?

I think it comes down to money a bit. What can you give her in terms of a reasonably protected life in India. Could you afford (state) boarding in the UK with trips to you in the holidays? Can you afford to home school her in India?

I’m not sure that foster care in the UK is ever the best option, of course it depends on the family they are given but it could be awful. I’d avoid that if I possibly could. But I have spent time in India and I do understand your concerns. I was very scared as a young person in certain parts of India (Delhi, north). And very happy in others (Bombay, Kerala). Can you tell us the approximate area?