Feeling a bit humiliated

[Kettledodger]

I am in my mid 50s, been with my husband for over 25 years. He is disabled and I have been his carer for the past 15 years. Through the years our world has become smaller, I have not kept up with friendships and they have become facebook acquaintances this is totally on me.

I have ILR status and have done since 1997. Finally we have decided that we need to save and invest in my citizenship as I can have dual nationality. But even after asking a couple of people would they be willing to be my referees they have declined.

I totally understand why they would but it is no less humiliating to realise that apart from family I have no one that is willing to put their name on an official document for me.

Don’t really know what I want from this thread just wanted to put it out there

Hi OP. I am the carer for DH with dementia. I understand how isolating caring can be. I have made a conscious effort to maintain links and friendships, but over time, I think probably 2/3rds of the people we would have known as a couple are no longer in contact. It is just the way it is with dementia which people find scary. I have found the charity Carers Matter quite useful. It has allowed me to communicate with people in a similar position and also there are some interest groups- learning hobbies and stuff which are available to carers online. Might be worth a look online. Also touch base with the local council. When I asked for a care assessment I did get some access to others in the same boat. I also got access to some more respite care which is really useful.

BTW thank you for the acknowledgment of the isolation that caring can bring

Don't mix the two things - your social life and the form filling.
For the form I think you need to keep asking anyone you can think of... Neighbours?
And remind them , they have no liability and the process is fully digital on the gov website.

For your social life - you can start enriching it again slowly through carer groups etc.

Exactly. Nothing to be humiliated about, OP.

Hello OP, I am very sorry that you are dealing with this and I totally get how you may feel lonely and isolated. Unfortunately people do not get how this feels unless they themselves are immigrants. As far as the form goes, I also suggest that you ask your doctor or dentist, they would know what this is all about and am sure would not hesitate to sign. Unfortunately, I do not have any good advice as to how to deal with the pain you are feeling. Sending love.

Try not to feel too bad. I was born in the UK and am in fifties - I struggle to get someone to sign my passport! I have no family, an isolated-geographically career and the few friends I do have are in non-professional roles like myself and none of us are considered honest enough to be passport signatories! Do not feel diminished!!

I don't know of docs are allowed, but I would try and keep trying. I think Reform are going to get in next election and the ILR cancelled. Do everything you can to protect yourself. Good luck.

But you need to do this

Because then you apply for British citizenship and you do need that

I looked it up and the passport Office will want an explanation of your situation and will probably ask you a lot more questions. You won’t be the only person in this situation not by a long way

You’ve also said that you’re not bothered about it in other ways, but you really must get your passport and then do your citizenship

Regardless of the citizenship application, it's not great for you to have no one but family. The getting out there and reconnecting with other people would be a good thing to do just for your mental health and long term social needs. Especially with being a carer.

I know it's hard, especially if your DH needs someone there most or all of the time, but if this is your situation, see if you can get one of the family you do have to give you a couple of hours off each week to go and do something for you.

I'm so sorry to read this, and can only imagine how frustrating it must be. Does your DH have any carers/medical people who have also known you for 3 years? Might be worth a try.

It seems to me that this has highlighted how isolated you’ve become, and that’s more important than the form filling. You’d assumed your old friends were still engaged but they’ve moved on, presumably because it’s been a long time since you’ve engaged with them.

You could try being more active on their social media, and make an effort to rekindle the friendship. Admitting to them that you had become very isolated without realising it may well encourage them that you realise you’ve been absent and want to change.

If you do t want to engage with old friends, then make efforts to find new ones. It’s healthier to be connected to wider society.

Repost below to include quote

Probably somewhere to open up and air the disappointment…it’s not that hard to imagine

Two separate issues - the form is one, the other the narrowing of your world.

I am sorry op, it sounds difficult and very isolating.

Form - persist. I second dentist/optician/gp. Any of your husband’s medical team? Anyone you know through your son?

The other - start small. As small as you want and feel you would enjoy. Loads of good suggestions on this thread, depending on your interests.

I sympathise. A: caring is really isolating and once your kid leaves home things reduce more. b: if you are not social it’s really difficult.

my OH and I have always really struggled with this kind of thing as we don’t know our neighbours and don’t socialise with anyone and both have family at arms length. In the past I have used various professional solutions like my GP, public notaries and so on.

I agree it’s important to get your citizenship sorted out. Especially if you can be dual - that’s very useful. My son’s GF has IRL but doesn’t seem to be making any effort to sort it. I’ve told them being married won’t help - maybe they plan to go to her country! (Easy for brits to settle there).

Who witnessed your wedding? Could one of them sign it? How about your son's friends (as they're adults now) or their parents?

My SS and our DS were witnesses at our wedding. And while you only need to be 18 to witness a wedding you have to be over 25 to be a referee, DS is only 22 as are most of his friends.And while I love my 32yo SS dearly none of his friends would be suitable.

Have had a long chat with DH tonight. We have decided that at this time it really isn’t workable. So we are shelving it. As for some of the other issues I have had to deal with over this I think I need to have a look at. Thank you to all who gave me great advice

How old is your DS?
Is your husband’s disability such that you are quite housebound?

She needs to get citizenship first before she can get her UK passport.

If it helps op I worked in the citizenship team until recently and we very rarely got in touch with referees so you could tell them that their details will most likely not be needed anyway. They j7st need to provide them.