Feeling a bit humiliated

[Kettledodger]

I am in my mid 50s, been with my husband for over 25 years. He is disabled and I have been his carer for the past 15 years. Through the years our world has become smaller, I have not kept up with friendships and they have become facebook acquaintances this is totally on me.

I have ILR status and have done since 1997. Finally we have decided that we need to save and invest in my citizenship as I can have dual nationality. But even after asking a couple of people would they be willing to be my referees they have declined.

I totally understand why they would but it is no less humiliating to realise that apart from family I have no one that is willing to put their name on an official document for me.

Don’t really know what I want from this thread just wanted to put it out there

These people- friends? Neighbours? People off the street? Who?

It’s never too late to make changes @Kettledodger

Get yourself back out there in your community.

If you’re not in to anything like exercising or singing etc, look for local coffee and chat groups.

Check local Facebook pages, ask at your local library or even reach out to the council. They should all be able to offer information with regards to this subject.

Reach out to old friends and be honest. Tell them you lost yourself in the world or becoming a carer and you would love to reconnect and catch up.

If you have ILR have you managed to get carers allowance?

Friends from long ago, ex work colleagues/friends

What have their reasons been?

Yes I am on carers allowance/UC this is half the problem. No longer working and now our son is an adult has really made our world small

They have not given reasons just suggested that maybe I should ask someone else

This is really good advice.
X

Well that's very upsetting, I'm sorry to hear that.
How long do you need to know someone in order to sign their form? I'm wondering if you could find a church or community group, try to make more solid and local friendships and then ask people in time.

But don't be ashamed, you've been caring and living, you've not been doing anything wrong.

Have you considered taking your husband and yourself to one of the local Salvation Army lunches?

Doctor, your children's teacher, a lawyer, health worker, social worker, neighbour?

I need people who have known me for at least 3 years. So while I appreciate the suggestions of joining groups etc this will not help in the short term. Also while it is humiliating there is a part of me that doesn’t want to change, I know it is counter intuitive but just trying to be honest with myself.

That's annoying, I think people don't realise that all they have to do is sign to confirm that they know you and, to their knowledge, you're of good character. It's not that if you suddenly commited a crime or something the police would be knocking on their door saying hey, why had you given this person a reference 😂 My husband has signed loads of these forms as his profession is on the approved list. Some were quite random like someone he had dated ages ago 😂 It shouldn't be a problem for most people, maybe just explain that it doesn't take any effort or responsibility on their part!

Could you try your dentist, GP or optician? My dentist did something similar for me many years ago, I know that it can be quite difficult finding someone suitable.

Ok so you have reached a dead end

What will you do? Not apply?

Yeah probably I mean in reality it is of little importance in my day to day life. But it was just something that we thought would be about completion. We finally got married last year so like I said completion. But it’s ok if it doesn’t happen.

This post was more about the realisation that apart from family I really have no others to rely on.

But you also say that you are content with that and have no intention of changing it up so - I’m not really sure what you want from the thread

Yes I hear you.
Do you want others?

It's hard for people not to be logical in response to your emotional post. Logically if it's ok that it doesn't happen, then it's also ok to try to meet people so it can happen in a few years' time.

But maybe you just want to look at your life for a bit while you regroup.

Maybe just to talk a bit?

In my original post I said “ Don’t really know what I want from this thread just putting it out there”

Maybe like @concertinacornflakesays I just needed to talk a bit.

Do you keep in touch with them often or did you just ask them out of the blue to do it for you? x

As I said we had become facebook acquaintances. The odd likes of post, Birthday and Holiday wishes. Very little conversation so as I had also mentioned that I totally understand why they declined. Doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

Being a loved ones carer is extremely taxing. It is a 24/7 365 job. You don't get to go home after your shift and unwind, your shift never ends anx you live in your work place. Very underpaid and extremely over worked. I can see why your circle had become smaller OP.
Sorry you're having such a hard time finding someone. Could you possibly write a status on Facebook and ask that way? Then someone could message you directly about it x

Yeah that could be the answer. Though I am not one of those people who have a lot of people on my SM. I have been on facebook since 2007 and only have 70 odd friends of which 75% are family. But I may give your suggestion a try.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this OP. I’ve had counselling for very different reasons and it helped me understand that that my needs are important.
Try to find room for yourself
The local council will often have low cost activities
Honestly anything you might enjoy
Book club
Cooking lesson (eg there’s one at our hall that does Spanish cooking)
Local walking group
park run
choir
Also look on Facebook etc
try to make sure it’s in person at a set time and day every week
Good luck
also carers groups but really it should be something for YOU