Dad has "told fibs" to be allowed home from hospital

[Doubleknow]

He's been in for 10 days after a hip replacement. He's doing OK, but the recovery isn't happening as quickly as he expected. (He's 85).

I've visited most days, but never spoken to a doctor or OT, both he and Mum have full capacity, so all the important conversations have been with them.

He's desperate to come home, but still very frail and not very mobile.

They live in a big house with no downstairs bathroom or bedroom. (I know, but as I said full capacity).

He has "fibbed", his words, to be allowed to come home. He's told them he has a bed downstairs (he means the sofa) and downstairs bathroom (there is a small downstairs loo) and, I strongly suspect, that he has a wonderful daughter nearby who will be at his beck and call!

Mum is elderly and disabled herself, but very stoic and will get on with doing what needs doing, which would include caring for him and the house with only one working leg. They are both determined not to have outside help. Neither has had a bath or shower in months, although they are very particular about being clean, and they don't seem unwashed, so must be doing a decent job.

I will do bits, but I can't offer "care" and in any case they're not expecting that, they just want the hospital to believe it so that he's "allowed" to come home.

I think I just have to leave it and let them struggle, as is their choice, but it seems all wrong.

Are there other options?

Yes I am afraid you are in the zone where you are waiting for a crisis to happen which might change their mind re adaptations, care visits etc and you need to decide each day how much you will do to avoid a crisis.

The best way to avoid a crisis is for you and your siblings to spend every possible minute there caring for them. Obviously this is not sustainable and leads to resentment in spades from you and your siblings.

The best way to hasten a crisis is for you and your siblings to leave them to get on with it, do the minimum caring yourself and await a cry for help. Obviously this leads to guilt in spades from you and your siblings as whatever crisis eventually happens could likely have been prevented by you. But remember they won’t take your advice to avoid the crisis.

So you need to decide if you want to feel resentful more than you want to feel guilty or vice versa. It’s a lose lose situation for all the children. Perhaps your mum could tell him she can’t cope alone?

Yes, they've been offered all that and apart from a couple of toilet seats have turned it all down.

I think maybe you need to get Adult Social Services involved if his wish to reject help is causing an elderly disabled woman to put her own health and wellbeing at risk like this. It sounds abusive that he can make a decision that imposes so much extra work on her.

Tbf they're not asking us to help. They don't want my help any more than they want outside help, apart from the odd lift. They can "manage".

Have you ever stayed in hospital that long? It’s awful, I’d lie to get out too. My maximum has been 5 days (but in several occasions) and I have definitely pushed to be discharged as hospitals are horrible places.

I have a downstairs shower and was told it added value to my house- try that angle?

Look up Intermediate Care. This is a free, relatively short reablement service. It would suit your dad as it’s with a few to getting him back on his feet properly. The ward should know about it.

Been there got the t-shirt. They may not “want to be a burden” or “they know you young people have your own lives to live”(said in such a way that implies you’re out living it up at the local discotheque all the time rather than working or parenting) but guess who they will call when your DF falls or your DM can’t cope.
Sorry it’s all so familiar right down to the not converting the (decorated in the 80s) bathroom to a wet room because it might lower the property value. I would try to get the number for their local social care team and call them when the inevitable crisis happens to say they need more support. You can only do what you can, it’s not your responsibility to sort it if they are deemed to have capacity.

I meant with a view to…..

Well, your mum wouldn’t have to be grubbing about on the floor sorting his shoes out going forward for a start because the carers would do that sort of thing for him.
You can’t make them have the carers at this point.
Solidarity x

According to this he should be staying as active as possible and doing daily exercises. Plus no sex for 6-8 weeks 😄.

Call them tomorrow and see how they are getting on.

https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/hip-replacement/recovering-from-a-hip-replacement/

Or he could buy easy fit slippers and a slipper stick to get them on and off himself

That's what makes me think he might not be quite ready to come home. There's no way he's going to be active in any way shape of form or doing any of those exercises atm. It was a two person job to get him in and out of the car. And I had to pick his feet up for him so mum could get his shoes off. I know that's what he "should" be doing.

I honesty don't think he'd have managed anyway. He couldn't lift his foot out of the shoe.

I’d be careful with this. The hospital social worker arranged ‘free’ intermediate care for my mum when she was discharged from hospital. Care was arranged for four weeks - two carers four times a day, OT input and physio was arranged with a view to getting her properly mobile. Despite nagging the hospital the physio never materialised and at the end of the four weeks I had paperwork from the LA to say we owed them over £800 for the care received. It seems the hospital social worker had passed it off to the LA and because there was no OT or physio input after discharge it wasn’t classed as intermediate care and when I refused to pay I was threatened with debt collectors.

I'm not sure if your hospital is the same, but at mine you can ring the ward and ask for help within 24 or possibly 48 hours of discharge... If you explain that things aren't going as well as expected they'll update the discharge care package... Explain to your dad that if he wants to stay out of hospital he has to accept help in some way shape or form other wise he risks his wife being admitted and then he'll end up with all sorts of people everywhere as he won't be able to cope alone ... It's one thing not wanting to be a bother but completely different controlling the situation himself and just accepting help (or gadgets) on a temporary basis to prevent things getting worse. Good luck!

How on earth is he going to get washed/showered and changed ? It’s really not fair of him to expect your mum to deal with this if she’s not well herself.

I had similar with my parents. It was a real battle to get them to agree to the help they needed. I would be surprised if the OT team don’t check the house - there is list of things that are needed to be at the right height. OTs are also good at getting all the equipment in place. Don’t forget that Attendance Allowance isn’t means tested and can be used for things like cleaning and gardening. M

The OT should have checked the house before he was discharged and there should have been a care package in place. Sounds like he’s refused both.

If she has capacity she can refuse, or call in social services or arrange a care package herself.

@Doubleknow it's a common story. You can advise but ultimately you just have to leave them to it.

Seeing what seems to go on in hospital, I don't blame anyone for trying to get out asap. Staying in actually can make people more ill and frail. You will probably be allowed to take leave for something like this-my boss very kindly let me move my annual leave, and take 2 weeks unpaid carer's leave, when my FIL was in hospital, so I could give him the best opportunity to get well. Wasn't easy, with little kids, but we explained as best we could to the older one why it was important, and I did some tasks online for my boss that couldn't wait. Friends were very helpful in offering to do nursery drop-offs, so it's worth asking, most people are happy to help if you're happy to pay it back.

The problem is that there are proper care services available and OP’s dad is very selfish in not taking advantage of them. If he’s had a hip replacement and hasn’t regained his mobility it’s going to be very difficult for OP and her mum to provide care themselves. Discharging someone without a proper care package in place is just asking for trouble, as is lying about the home environment just to get out of hospital.

Gawd what a nightmare. I’m really shocked that his inability to lift his foot UP didn’t make the OT on the ward put her foot DOWN.

I would advocate for getting private daily physio in plus a private OT assessment, which may be a few weeks away. Sometimes people are amenable to therapists when they’re not to carers.

Id also just say breezily when they refuse everything, ‘never mind, sounds like you want to go back into hospital’ because that’s where he’s headed, probably close behind your mum. Channel your inner ‘matron from the 60s’ persona which is what people always say they want, until they actually get it.

Can an OT visit the house and recommend adaptations?
Simply converting the loo into a wet room could help or putting in a stairlift or actual. Lift if there is room for that.

At your DHs age, I'd hate to be in hospital too, so I dont blame him, but I agree with you, they may need help and are avoiding it cos they fear being thrown into an old people home.

An OT can recommend these things but if OP’s parents can’t afford major adaptations like a wet room or a stairlift then the only alternative is a disabled facilities grant which takes ages and is strictly means tested.

He could. But will he?