Is it unusual for contact visits to never include overnights?

[noOvernights]

Is it really unusual for contact visits to never be overnight?

DH has 2 dc from his previous relationship and due to living very close by we’ve never had them overnight, it’s worked perfectly he can pick them up/they get dropped off early and then dropped home late. It seems simple and easy but so many people comment about it and say it’s unusual some even say it’s not a good idea ?

It’s unusual. Why do they not stay overnight? Assume he pays maintenance for them at the full rate.

Surely your DH knows the answer to this. Didn’t he want them to stay overnight?

It has just always been the contact agreement between dh and his ex, they agreed to stay living close to each other and to do visits this way. The only times there have been overnights is on holiday every other year.

We don't have my DSC overnight. Initially after he separated from XW my DH had them during the day because of his living situation, which XW preferred because they were young and she didn't like being separated from them. When he moved in with me he tried to instigate some overnights but the younger two didn't like it - one autistic, one was a baby when they split (her choice not his!) and never stayed away from mum before. The oldest stayed a few times but mum didn't like it and would create barriers so we let it go. She's now a teen and knows she can stay when she chooses and she does sometimes in school holidays but it's not regular. The kids are happy, they see their dad lots but 'home' is with mum. I don't really see any issue with that.

Yes I understand it’s now an established pattern, but what was the reasoning in the first place? Were the children very young, unsuitable housing…?
Is it a court ordered contact arrangement or an informal agreement?

My dc never stayed over at their dads when we split but they were older teens, old enough to walk themselves home, and he was 10 minutes walk away. Most evenings dd went via his with the dog and went for a walk with him, but no point sleeping there. Once I moved away and sold the house, he moved away and they do stay where he is now but not when their own rooms were so close

It is just an agreement between them, I think initially because they were quite little when they split that dh ex didn’t want overnights and then it’s worked so well they have just stuck with the same.

It's unusual but not unheard of. Especially when families live very close to each other.

What matters is are the kids happy?

If people comment just say 'we've always just done what seemed to work best for the kids' and don't engage with comments.

It should only change if it would make something work better for the kids, not to line up with other people.

But are you worried there is more to it?
Is their mum happy still or would she like more time on her own now dc are older?

Yes it’s unusual, it means he’s not actually caring for his children for any meaningful amount of time.

Doesn’t it bother you that he just didn’t want overnights with this children and was happy to leave almost all the actual parenting to the mother?

If he’s regularly taking them for full days, he is parenting? I definitely don’t feel I do most of my parenting whilst my daughter is sleeping.

It isn’t the usual arrangement but if it works for the children and everyone is happy I don’t see a problem with it.

How old are they? Presumably if they don't stay overnight they don't have a bedroom? As they get older they're likely to want their own space to hang out in, even during the day.

I'd be concerned that they are increasingly going feel like visitors rather than members of the family.

Who said most of parenting was while children were sleeping?
Certainly a considerably chunk of it is bathing children, reading to them at bedtime, dealing with unsettled evenings, getting up with them early in the morning, keeping an eye on them overnight if they’re sick etc.
Picking them up after school or taking them out during the day on a Saturday is more akin to babysitting than actually caring for your own children imo.

I think it's only not typical because of child maintenance classing time with parents as number of overnights.
I think contact arrangements should be about both parents getting quality time with their children, sharing the mundane aspects of children and the administrative burden.
There was a thread on here recently, where they technically had a 50:50 arrangement in terms of overnight but one parent on their days only had them between 7pm and 7am and the other parent had to do the school run on the overnights she had the children as well as when the father had them. Whilst 50:50 in the eyes of the court it was very not that in reality.

It never hurts to reassess whether what you are doing based on what was best in the past is best for now. My niece is 50:50 with her parents she was doing alternate days but has now shifted to alternate weeks. The alternate days worked when she was younger and didn't want to be away from her mum for longer than a couple of days but now she's in her teens she wants more structure.

I supposed it depends on the ages and how frequently. My child is 4 and not yet at school so I spend most days with her. The bedtime routine takes up a very small chunk of that, so doesn’t seem like a huge percentage of my “parenting.” I suppose if they are older or gone all day at school/nursery/with friends then that feels like a bigger deal.

Does your husband want to change the arrangement? How old are the kids now? Do they want to stay?

It’s not just the timing of bedtime though, it’s the regular caring acts of actually looking after your child. Ensuring they have a warm, safe bed, getting up when they have a nightmare, or need a wee, caring for them when they’re sick, ensuring they are clothed, doing the food shop to cook for them, booking their appointments, having to wake early with them … if you aren’t doing any of these things you can’t really claim to be really acting like a parent.

This.

My ex wanted to pick them up as late as possible and drop them off early to reduce his maintenance.

Ask? Now they are older why don’t they come for the whole weekend?

I would think most children would prefer to sleep in the one bed that is there with all their things instead of moving house every few days.

I agree, but it's also possible that they'd like to sleep at their dad's sometimes or at least to know that they are welcome to. Also it can be hard on the resident parent never to have a night to do other things.

Some kids would. But others would hate to be packed off "last thing" when they are settled and happy settled somewhere.

Was it originally to do with child maintenance? Child maintenance is usually based on how many nights, not days the child spends with each parent, so if the resident parent has stipulated that the children only ever stay overnight with her, the non-resident parent /father won’t get any discount despite doing a proportion of the childcare.

How often is he having them? Do they split the school holidays fairly equally? I think that’s the most important part.

It's pretty common for dead-beats, involved parents usually want to parent their children not just take them on outing like a fun uncle would.

Dh does all school drop offs, then the pattern is that he has 2 weekends every month full days not nights. Half terms he has them everyday and half of the other holidays