A good place to meet men...or cool women in your 40s?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

Single at 41.

Ok so we have all had ample social opportunities in our teens, 20s and 30s but I now don't know where it's at and I am feeling a bit lonely.

I am not house bound but I never seem to meet new people or potential suitors. I don't have the will for online dating.

People recommend getting out there and getting a hobby. Most classes I have joined are full of pleasant people but no-one I connect with. I meet older and lonely widows at church events, middle-aged mothers trying to lose weight at gym classes and old aged men at language classes. I have gone on hikes but some of these 6 hour hikes exhaust me. When people tell me to just get out there, it irritates me.

The nightclub scene can be filled with 20 something year olds.

Surely if there are single women in their 40s, there must be single men out there too? Where are there genuinely worthwhile places to go?

And it's not just to meet a potential suitors....but to meet and connect with people in general, and to feel as though I am participating in life.

And I have no beef with older widows, widowers or mothers trying to lose weight. It is just that we are at different stages of life.

Odd thread

might explain the situation

Maybe I could try over 40 late bars but I find that I need to drink alcohol to keep me awake at these late late events and I am then exhausted for days. I find it hard to just have one or two drinks...and end up having more to preoccupy myself.

Why?

Classes are my go-to. I’ve signed up for a fitness one, photography and a language this september - not sure what ages they’ll all be, but I’m not bothered as long as they are fun people.

Sorry, I’m not dating - didn’t read properly - if I was I’d join the local running group or a sports one in general.

Hobby clubs, societies, voluntary work. I met my OH through voluntary work and a previous BF through a shared mutual interest local group. If I became single again, I'd do the same, not just to find a potential partner, but also just for general interest, making new general friends, etc. I'd never do OLD and even when I was young, I didn't "do" the club/bar/disco scene.

I like your enthusiasm. I guess I am looking for a sense of community. Perhaps I need to change my outlook. Sometimes I go to classes and there is very little social interaction afterwards...such as a gym I used to go to.

But if it's not "your" scene, you move on to something else. Keep trying different things until you find "your" people.

Thank you. I would love to help the homeless. Perhaps it is something I could look into to. I feel like I need a real sense of purpose.

Yes, that is it. I feel very disconnected from people sometimes. Like we are not on the same wavelength. I need to just make an effort and put myself out there. If it's not for me, that is ok.

Volunteering is a great idea. I do some and it’s very sociable - plus you meet nice people.

💯 there is a fantastic sense of community and encouraged motivation in some of the smaller gyms. The large chain gyms don't offer that sense of belonging. I was a member of a huge gym for about 3 years and I don't think I made friends with anyone there...or even made small talk.

What volunteering did you do?

What kind of volunteering did you do?

Look in your area where classic motorcycle clubs meet up at local pubs or cafes, there will be lots of single men of all ages, not all bikers are hells angel types dragging their knuckles along the floor, In years past I have been in many clubs & had great conversations & interest from the general public when we had meet ups supporting various charities raising funds for them.. Air Ambulance & The Lifeboat at Pool, to name two.

Think about what you’re interested in then do that, what’s the point in meeting someone who loves the gym when you might not? Instead of looking for someone do things that you enjoy things that really interest you and you might find that sense of community, becoming happier in yourself and suddenly you meet someone on your wavelength. You don’t sound very happy and to be blunt your happiness is no one else’s responsibility.

I have lots of friends in their 40s, 50s and early 60s who met lovely men, and are now in LTRs, married to them or having fun dating.

One went on a week-long activity holiday for something she really loved. Expected only women as it is quite a female-dominated activity. He was there and they fell in love.

Another two friends went on different summer schools in subjects that interested them - again not to find love but to develop their skills. They both met men and fell in love. One married, the other has been with him several years.

Another went to an evening class - again for a subject she loved - no intention of meeting a man there, but she did. They are now married.

What they all had in common was that the courses/retreats they attended were of good quality - for people who really love the subject itself. They were not adult ed local classes but held in places that, in themselves, have a bit of glamour (E.g. Courtauld for art course or Oxford for Ancient Egypt summer school or Bali for yoga). And they all went on those courses because they were so excited about the subject - not to find love. It was that passion and genuine shared interest in a beautiful setting that connected them and made them attractive, in a place that is condusive to romance.

Another friend wants nothing serious. She has a well-worded profile online and just goes out and has fun. She's currently dating two men, both of whom seem interesting and are successful at what they do.

💯 I don't feel very joyful. I am aware of that but I don't know how to change it. What made you think I wasn't happy? And I know it's no-ones responsibility. I am trying to build a full and meaningful life for myself but I don't know how yet. I don't know what my passions or, or what my life purpose is.

I feel the same in my late 40s, Im looking for purpose other than working, not sure where to find it.

Thank you for you words of encouragement. I think I need to broaden my horizons. I would actually be interested in ancient Egypt and one particular language. I just need to find where these events are advertised. I remember being engrossed by many events and classes when I was in university.

It's seems as though your friends are strong and content in themselves as they are which is a great foundation.

I know what you mean OP. I've done so many things. Put myself out there time and time again. I swear every man of around my age I've met has been either coupled up or gay! I went to a small gathering at the weekend, 4 men there (all around my age), 1 married, 2 with partners and 1 gay. That's typical.

As for making friends, it feels like anyone who hasn't got "issues" of some kind, already has enough friends. I just get the needy ones latching on to me. The ones who just want to talk about all their problems. So they're just looking for someone/anyone who will listen.

I go through phases of trying. Then I give up for a couple of years, then try again. Luckily I like my own company!

Yes, work gives me structure but no joy unfortunately.

Thanks for showing of solidarity xx

I have had needy and controlling people latch on too. And also only talk about themselves. Sometimes you can be lonely in a room full of people.