A good place to meet men...or cool women in your 40s?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

Single at 41.

Ok so we have all had ample social opportunities in our teens, 20s and 30s but I now don't know where it's at and I am feeling a bit lonely.

I am not house bound but I never seem to meet new people or potential suitors. I don't have the will for online dating.

People recommend getting out there and getting a hobby. Most classes I have joined are full of pleasant people but no-one I connect with. I meet older and lonely widows at church events, middle-aged mothers trying to lose weight at gym classes and old aged men at language classes. I have gone on hikes but some of these 6 hour hikes exhaust me. When people tell me to just get out there, it irritates me.

The nightclub scene can be filled with 20 something year olds.

Surely if there are single women in their 40s, there must be single men out there too? Where are there genuinely worthwhile places to go?

And it's not just to meet a potential suitors....but to meet and connect with people in general, and to feel as though I am participating in life.

Yes, my there are some extremely social gyms...the type that do Hyrox and coffee together. I need to find where they are at.

Sometimes people here can be very harsh. I read your post and related. I’m mid thirties and feel the same. Not so much for dating, but I joined an aerial hoop class recently, which is only women, but it is such an encouraging group, it’s amazing. I know it can be hard sometimes, and you aren’t alone in how you feel, but you still have so much life to live. What have you always fancied having a go at that is within reach? Even if you start small, I think trying new things just helps with overall confidence, even if you don’t like it. As I say, I’m in a similar position, always happy to chat.

You are very kind. The dynamic of that group sounds great. Sometimes it's just a sense of encouragement, belonging and connection you need. And it takes a while to find your tribe.

And yes, I am still young.

I feel as though my teens and twenties were education and work based. 30s still trying to implement structure and work through issues.

Now that I have hit my 40s and that but is mostly sorted, I don't now what my purpose is.

I think helping others would give me a sense of purpose and connection. I guess everyone is looking for their true calling...beyond the 9-5.

I think the repeated use of "potential suitors" may have raised some eyebrows, OP. I don't think people have had suitors since the second world war.

Don't date the people you meet. Make friends with then, and then date their friends.
The network multiplier effect!

If time is something you have access to, I’d say get out there and try, so you can figure out what you love. Learning about yourself is never a bad thing!!! In my opinion, anyway!

High end spas/gyms and do the same classes each week. I’ve joined a few over the years in my 30’s, 40’s and now 50’s and made some fantastic friends.

Have you tried just doing the things you really like to do and seeing who you meet through that? Surely you're much more likely to meet like minded people like you doing stuff you like to do.

Oh gosh, I didn't realise that!😂

Yes, it's finding the things I actually like that is my challenge. I don't know what I actually like....strange for a 41 year old. I don't recall being talented as a child or teenager...sport, drama, singing...I wasn't great at it so I just plodded along. So I now need to find my purpose. I feel a bit motivated...especially knowing that others feel the same disconnect at times...it is not just me.

Yes...I think it's only by trying that you learn about yourself. I have to try.

Ok...I have to make those new friends first!

I'd suggest finding a decent local pub quiz.

I used to work away a lot, in one place for a month at a time, then off to another place for a month etc.

I'd find a decent pub quiz, either do it alone the first week or ask the person running it to point me in the direction of a team that wouldn't mind me joining or anyone else doing it alone. Usually if I did it alone, by week 2 someone would recognise me and ask me to join their team.

Yes it's in a pub, but because it's an activity you're not just sat there alone drinking, so I found it easier to drink less or drink alcohol free stuff than if I'm just sat reading a book or scrolling on my phone

Thanks for advice everyone. I actually feel a bit better. Esp knowing I am not the only one who feels this way.

My brother said he will give me a call tonight and discuss different social options with me. He is a social butterfly.

Sometimes I think it's a mindset thing. Tomorrow could be my last day on earth so I need to be more appreciative and grateful.

It is a mindset thing and must come from yourself. I met an unmarried 60 something year old woman yesterday with her head in the air and a strong sense of purpose. You would have to chase after her to get her attention. Some people just have that sense of purpose. I wish I had it, and hopefully I will get it.

Not that there is anything wrong with unmarried women...I am unmarried...but sometimes I think people think marriage and children is the only sense of purpose.

That's amazing. You're brave! I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought of me alone in a pub. Life favours the brave!

Gym and yoga classes aren't great as people don't interact during the class and may only briefly chat afterwards. Have a look at the meetup website (they try to make you pay but you don't need to) and try a few different activities, ideally ones where it doesn't matter if you are that good if that is an issue for you. Avoid any groups that are "social singles" as they can be awkward if noone has anything in common and probably different people each time. The key is to do the same thing(s) regularly for a few months and it is fine to change after that if you don't meet your people. As an example, I regularly attend a language conversation evening in a language I speak, lessons in another language, a sports club for a sport I enjoy and a cinema group who go and see random films. I also met one of my closest friends through a MeetUp group I no longer go to. I would also say be open to friends of different ages - they're great!

I am, admittedly, male, which I think makes it easier to sit in a pub alone. I'm less likely to get bothered by the local bellend than the average woman, as he's not going to want to hit on me.

I think a lone woman is likely to find it even easier to get adopted by another quiz team though than I did.

Thank you. Yes, I need to be open to friends of all ages. And I think we need to continually make friends and meet people as old friends can drop out of your life and move away. It doesn't stay the same.

I did yoga years ago and found the same. People were there for themselves only...zero interaction.

I sometimes find some of the singles events can appear awkward, and mainly full of women imo

I have a few ideas now. Thank you x

I wish I was good at quizzes though! You don't want me on your team 😂

But I do think women are more likely to be adopted by a group, but I think it's easier for men to go in alone and sit on a bar stool.

It's actually really attractive when someone just rocks up and goes to events alone. I need to muster up the courage.

Look at 'Solo' holidays? x

I have found friends at reformer Pilates the only problem is I can't afford to go AND go out as well 🤭😂

Next summer, deffo x

I'll join you. We can check out men enjoy the surroundings! 😂

👀🍸🤣