To just accept it and stay in for the rest of summer?

[NoSummers]

Cut a long story short, my oldest is autistic and prone to aggression and lashing out. I’ve tried and tried to take her out, but it’s getting too much for me and I genuinely don’t feel I can cope with taking her out anymore.
The problem is that it can happen completely out of nowhere. There doesn’t necessarily have to be anything that sets her off.
For example, the last time we were on the bus, she was sitting in her seat and absolutely nothing had happened. She suddenly stood up and started screaming and shouting. I went over to her and told her to calm down and that we would get off at the next stop, but she then started jumping up and down, screaming and lashing out.
There was a woman with a pram nearby and I was really worried she was going to hurt someone. Obviously, the bus was moving, so we couldn’t just get off immediately. We had to wait until it stopped and then get off.
There was genuinely no build-up to it. Nothing had happened immediately beforehand. She can just become extremely dysregulated very suddenly, which makes taking her out incredibly difficult because I never know when it’s going to happen.
I’m now at the point where I don’t want to take her out for the rest of the summer. I’m honestly scared that one day something will happen in public and someone will call the police.
I have other children as well, and I can’t constantly be dealing with a situation where this keeps happening with little to no build up.
I feel awful saying it, but I genuinely don’t know what the alternative is anymore. If it means we all have to stay in for the rest of the summer because I can’t safely take her out, then I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do.
Should we just accept this is it now and stay in for the rest of the summer? Shes at an age now where someone will call the police and I don’t want to be dealing with that.

How old is she? How old are the other kids? Is there anyone she would stay with whilst you went out for a little while with the others?

Shes 15 my other children are younger and no sadly there is no one that would be able to watch her

Were you not sitting next to her on the bus?

Would headphones help?
Fidget spinner ?
Game on a phone ?
*2x dc with asd.

No there was no room? I was standing next to her seat? Im not looking for judgement here. There was no room to sit she was sat next to my other child as the bus was busy.

she is not interested in games phones or iPads, she must be the only child that doesnt care for stuff like that. Not even iPads, she has one but never uses it.

Not necessarily.

is there stuff within walking distance of your house? Park, etc? If so then you can go out there walking.

if your next eldest is teens or preteen they may be able to go to the park or other local things on their own/with friends.

do you have family? I used to try to go to both sets of grandparents at some point over the summer as st least it was a different set of four walls and two more adults.

ear defenders etc?

do you have a car because if you do that can be an easier way to get out and about.

And just to reiterate it’s not always possible to sit next to her on the bus, if old people get on or disabled people they ask me to move so they can have or if the bus is busy I can’t guarantee a seat next to her so I have to stand.

Ds2, also autistic, was like this in his teens. There is always a reason for behaviour, particularly when it comes on so suddenly. Is she verbal? Does she have sensory issues? Anxiety? Could she be in pain?

No car or i would definitely not use public transport. She won’t wear ear defenders anymore and no there is no one that can come out with us unfortunately.

Anxiety possibly but nothing particular happened in that moment.

You deserve to get respite funding so that a carer can either take her out or go out with you. Is there any chance of that?

Don’t be afraid of people calling the police. Unfortunately it might be the only way to get some support.

How old are your other kids? Perhaps you could arrange a playdate for them with a friend in walking distance so you could at least let the other kids have a change of scene.

Somewhere deep down she is still a 15 year old - mine is usually mortified to be seen in public with me. And hasn’t been anywhere so far this summer at all, except her regular sports club! I guess the difference is I can leave her. Whereas you can’t leave your dc.

What happens in term time - is she capable of getting herself to and from school?

Im not going to call the police and get her into trouble she has developmental delays and she’s not mentally a 15 year old.

No she has learning difficulties and developmentally delayed she is not capable of leaving the house alone.

Could someone look after your other child/ren for an hour or two so you could take her out and be able to focus more on her?

I should have included that she has an intellectual delay she is not mentally a 15 year old and presents much younger I would say around 6 years old.

I do not have anyone that is able to unfortunately I don’t have people that would babysit for me like that sadly.

Mine is primary school aged but also severely autistic and prone to aggressive outbursts and running off, I'm pretty much confined to the house all summer except weekends when his dad can help. There's literally no options, I wish special Schools had a holiday club. Officially we should get respite with the boroughs local offer but there's no spaces available, I imagine you're in the same position?

Does she have a social worker? It sounds like she should have one

Have you tried asking for a carers assessment? That can sometimes open doors to more support. Or Young Carers? Young Carers can maybe help with activities for your other children

There’s holiday clubs here but she wouldn’t be able to attend them as they don’t provide 1:1 support and really she’d probably need 2:1. She had two people from the LA that took her out but they cancelled after taking her out twice saying she wasn’t safe in the community 😕 we haven’t been allocated anything else yet either as they said there is nothing available at the moment.

We are in exactly the same situation except ours is 17. We just dont use public transport unfortunately and limit how much we go out. We get respite and do fun stuff with the other kids when thia is happening. Do you have a social worker? Have you had a care needs assessment?

Whoops. I was too slow! I would ring the council again and ask for help again. Take anything they offer. Are there any other parents of send qho you know who are local and might know of sepecial needs clubs? Is there a local parenr carer forum?

Sorry op I know how difficult it can be especially balancing the needs of different kids. I am assuming you are in receipt of dla - could you use some of it towards taxis?
We found several local charities who support/organise asn sessions which she may cope better with

I know it can be really difficult. Does your daughter have a social worker. I work in supported living and also support people living at home with their parents. It involves taking them out for a few hours to give the parents a break. They are allocated so many hours a week and it really helps, particularly when they are challenging. I think you have a good chance of getting some hours as you have other children to consider. Good luck.