I need to share this tonight. Feel silly still being traumatised by it.

[pizzaandchips2078]

I asked chatgtp to write what I said as I struggle with writing/grammar etc

Approximately three years ago, I went to a pub and became very heavily intoxicated. After leaving the pub, I walked home alone. I have only fragmented memories of what happened during that journey, with significant gaps that I cannot remember.

The first thing I remember is falling over. I then remember a man picking me up and holding me upright while walking with me.

After that, there is a gap in my memory.

The next thing I remember is still walking, but this time two men were holding me upright as we walked. I remember asking them, "What are you going to do to me?" I then looked at the man who had first picked me up after I fell, and I remember him kissing me.

I have a possible memory of saying "no" and trying to get away, but I cannot be certain of this part.

After that, there is another gap in my memory.

My next memory is waking up on the floor of a communal staircase in a block of flats. My belt was missing. My foot was swollen, and I had bruises on my legs. Apart from the missing belt, my clothing appeared to be the same as when I had left the pub.

Since waking up that night, these memories have remained consistent. They have not changed over the past three years, and I have not recovered any additional memories of what happened during the periods I cannot remember.

Although I do not know what happened during the missing periods of time, I have a strong feeling that I may have been sexually assaulted that night. I do not know whether that occurred or, if it did, how far it went. The uncertainty has been extremely difficult to live with.

In the days and weeks after the incident, I felt very vulnerable and depressed. I have continued to be affected by the experience over the past three years. At times, I suddenly relive parts of that night, and they can feel vivid and distressing.

One of the hardest aspects has been feeling that, because I cannot remember exactly what happened, I am not allowed to feel traumatised. However, the uncertainty, the memories I do have, and the lasting emotional impact have continued to affect me for years.

It does very much sound as if you were assaulted. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Would you feel able to contact a rape crisis centre and talk with someone? Or at least ask your gp to signpost you to some help?

This sounds really hard to me, I'm sorry that you have had to live with it. Someone else might have better advice for you, I just wanted to say that it is alright to feel traumatised even though you don't remember every detail. Not remembering is traumatic in itself, you don't need to apologize for these very real feelings.

Please ignore this. It wasn’t your fault and it won’t go away without you talking about it. That approach hasn’t worked for you so far.

it was not your fault.

This is terrible advice. The OP obviously can't just forget it.

Did your vagina feel sore ans painful? I feel like if you’ve been raped you would know about it for days afterwards?

I have a similar night but my drink was spiked. I have 5 memories and gaps and never know what happened to me but my knickers were still on and no painful vagina. I don’t think I was raped. So I take consolation. In that. But the dreading and not knowing live with me forever

What a horrible, horrible comment

Do not listen to this shitty advice OP. I’m gobsmacked anyone would post this, it’s a disgusting and not supportive.

As you say yourself you were drunk and memories while being really drunk are often hazy so it’s no wonder you don’t remember exactly what happened that night but trust your gut instinct. Are there any agencies near you that you can reach out to? Talking it about it with someone will probably help. It must be awful trying to make sense of it all.

Please ignore this utter fuckwit

So sorry that this happened to you. Do you think you could have been spiked?
No wonder you are traumatised and reliving it. You could self refer for therapy or see your GP.

No. Just no.

I'm sorry this happened OP. Being drunk is no excuse for a man to do whatever they wish.

The gaps followed by clear, consistent memory make me wonder if you were spiked

I’m sorry to hear that you are still reliving that. It sounds like you might benefit from talking to a counsellor or someone else professional about it,
I used to quite often get so drunk that I couldn’t remember everything, and I’ve had a few bad (and some unsure) situations.
I ended up giving up alcohol.
Take care x

I think you’d know if you’d been raped. It sounds like a nasty experience, but some or all of it could be figments of imagination.
Do you think your drinks might have been spiked?

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

Please don't ever think you have no right to feel traumatised because you can't remember what happened to you - it must be very traumatising to not know.

One certainty is that two men were there that night with you and took advantage of you when you were very vulnerable. Possibly even caused you to be vulnerable if you were spiked. You were bruised and your belt was missing when you woke up. You were abandoned on a stairwell floor. You deserved better than this.

Have you ever had any therapy or counselling - I think that would be a good start.

Fucking hell, what a terrible comment.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Have you considered talking to a counsellor about it?

This is terrible advice. You need to seek counselling to support you.

Did you tell anyone at the time? Since?

Days of feeling physical pain isn't really a realistic way of judging.

I am very sorry this happened to you. And the blame lies on those that assaulted you.

So sorry to hear you’ve gone through this. What an absolutely awful thing to go through. Far too many women have these experiences and nothing changes. My only advice would be to seek counselling. I hope you get through this.

I think COVID affected some people's brains and they have lost their last bit of empathy, if they ever had any to start with.
Ignore this fool, I hope they don't have children ,because, I can't imagine them being very supportive if their own adult child or even a sibling was ever in this situation.

Please, please don’t minimise your feelings or think they are silly. They are absolutely not. They are incredibly valid, and normal, after what sounds like a harrowing experience. There is no shame on your part in this whatsoever. Irrespective of whether you were sexually assaulted or not, that experience must have been unimaginably terrifying and the aftermath probably worse because your memory of events is inhibited.

I would urge you to seek professional help so you can process what happened and find a way forward that helps you find peace, or at least as much peace as possible under the circumstances. Talking this through with a professional will not change the outcome, and it may not help your memory, but this was a traumatic experience and you are clearly, and entirely understandably, experiencing distress. You deserve to live life in a way that makes you happy and so it is important you look after yourself and get the help and support you need to process and, whilst difficult, move on and be in a place where you can accept, grieve and realise that you are strong. This is a heavy burden to carry. There is no shame in seeking help.

I would also encourage you to report this incident to the police. There may very well be a lack of evidence and they may not be able to investigate as thoroughly as they could have at the time, but this does not mean you do not deserve to have your voice heard. They may be able to do something, you never know, and it will be a good step towards processing what happened. They’ll also be able to signpost you to much more support.

Talk it through. Feel no shame. Feel no guilt. Feel no blame. And make damn sure that you live the life you deserve - not the life these despicable scumbags have tried to leave you with.

You have already made the first step. You’ve ‘verbalised’ (albeit written here) your experience. Be brave, be strong and get the support you deserve. I wish you all the very best and I truly hope you find peace and happiness, whatever you choose to do now. You’re in control now so do what you need to do to be happy and safe. Xx

And to the poster who said get over it. Just wow. What a reprehensible and emotionally bankrupt individual you are. I truly hope you never experience anything so awful and then just be told to get over it. People like you are the reason women feel ‘silly’ for things like this and don’t want to report it. You are dangerous, you are cruel and quite frankly, no better than the ‘men’ described in OPs post. It’s you who should be ashamed.

All of this

well done OP on being brave enough to post what happened. That’s the first step. I would echo the poster quoted & report to the police because it could have happened to someone else.

self refer for some therapy. You have had something very traumatic happen to you, even if uou can’t remember all the details, what you can remember is tormenting you & you need to get some respite for that and some peace.

what happened is not your fault, please tell yourself that

Are you serious????? Horrible thing to say.
OP I think you may need some counselling. I’m sorry that happened xx

Some people have mentioned rape. Im as certain as i can be that I wasn't raped. I know something happened that night. I remember two men basically carrying me somewhere and kissing me after i asked what they are going to do to me i then woke up in a staircase that I didn't know and never been before. The above memories are ones that I remembered as soon as I woke up there are a couple of memories that came back but I can't be 100% are real.
I wish I could just move on.