Mid-teens: how much rudeness do you tolerate in your household?

[Fatbadger50]

Answering back, telling people to shut up and bugger off, slamming doors in faces, thankfully little to no swearing, but it’s getting me down. We don’t speak like this to them, and we tell them off regularly but it falls on deaf ears. I can only take so much of it then I tend to explode, shout, send them to their room, confiscate phone. You hear about choosing your battles, and I’m aware there are all the hormonal changes going on and I accept I can be very annoying but still!

They’re 15 and 17, old enough to know better!

Absolute zero on shut up/ bugger off front!!!

I don’t see “talking back” as an issue because it’s important they learn to express themselves. Just not rudely. I try not to take offence at inadvertent rudeness but I’ll have no truck with blatant disrespect!!

Zero. Though eldest is 13, so we'll see how he goes when older!

They are both ruder to their Dad but he doesn't seem to know how to deal with it.

I have a zero tolerance approach. I also do more of the nurturing and supporting of them though, and I think they have more respect for me and my relationship with them because of that.

@zoemum2006 what would you say if they tell you to shut up or bugger off? I would not have dared say either to my parents.

Eldest once slammed her bedroom door so hard that I said if she ever does that again the door is coming off. Never happened again.

grumpiness is fine , we all get grumpy and never more so than in our teens

i would be zero tolerance on telling people to shut up or bugger off or shouting.

It's easy to say zero tolerance but what does that actually look like in practice?

Personally I always went for the humour route ..it's put them back in their place and takes away their power. So fuck off...how absolutely charming, I love you lots too.

I wouldn’t accept being told to shut up or bugger off , mine didn’t do that so I don’t know how to stop it but just keep telling them it’s unacceptable. However you may get further by not exploding with anger but expressing disappointment in their behaviour and talking to them about how it affects you. Doing what you’re doing hasn’t stopped it so try something else.
Generally they do grow out of it and become normal people. I let a lot slide otherwise I’d be battling everyday. Also I have daughters so hormones and time of month was hard.

Remember the house and everything in it belongs to you. Follow through with whatever punishment hurts. I wouldn’t make it excessive but I’d make it rocks solid.

my daughter told me “no”
once and I said that’s fine but remember I can say no too. And the next time you ask for something that will be my answer.

she chose to do the thing I’d asked.

Yes this. I didn’t take it personally so it made it easier to deal with

None and I have also said that I will take doors off if they are slammed again.
I say this gently as it took me at least a year to be able to do this but as soon as you shout then you lose the battle. A sharp or curt “I will not be spoken to like that, come back when you’re going to speak to me properly” is how I found is the best way to respond or when they’re being overly stroppy little reaction seems to work too. I think they want a reaction sometimes

I also agree about humour and actually me and DH will laugh. I had a teen and a toddler and the skills are the same - keeping calm, not giving a reaction when they’re wanting one and being able to laugh about it

I think you have to be careful with humour because if they're being rude it's not funny and it can also mean you are dismissing their feelings about a situation rather than taking them seriously but expecting them to express themselves appropriately.

I very much don't expect to be told to shut up and it doesn't happen. Like @zoemum2006 I remind them I can say no too. So far very limited back chat from any of them but I think my youngest (currently 14) is going to be the most challenging.

Zero. They are allowed to be grumpy and cross they are not allowed to take it out on other people.

How does that work? 'remember you told me to fuck off this morning sweetie? It was so funny 😄'

Opposite here op, I’ve always told the kids my parents never ever allowed shut up etc because it’s not ok for people to say what someone’s saying doesn’t need to be heard (I phrased it differently and weirdly it stuck). They curse though, huge battle here, I hate it, not telling people eff off but constant he’s a (c word or p word) which I think is as bad as your problem

Zero tolerance.’ Being unpleasant to your own flesh and blood is not acceptable’ is a house rule. Never mind what they see on screens or hear at school. I want a happy peaceful home and that’s all there is to it.
problems get discussed not acted out.

Ds (24) still remembers me standing him next to the door he slammed and having to open and close it until he could do so without slamming it (we did rent so it was essential he didn't break doors) He went through a phase of being rude and swearing, then stopped when he realised it was having no effect and all that was happening was he was losing pocket money and lifts/cost of train to where he wanted to go. It helped that I was the source of anything extra he wanted and he knew that there was a clear expectation that those extras would disappear very quickly, to him it wasn't worth being rude. He was also 6'5 by the time he was 14 and I was a single parent, so I had to lay the boundaries and expectations and follow through every single time. He threw his phone down the stairs once, no phone until he'd saved enough to replace it (not a nice lesson and I supplied an extremely basic one for texts etc) but it did teach the basics of actions have consequences. Balancing it up, when they do something that isn't vile, reward them (very much like the toddler theory but age it up to things they want)

Never had any such thing. Maybe because they knew such behaviour would mean no lifts anywhere, and no money for anything.

I would say zero, but can't help beyond that as my 2 were incredibly well-behaved so didn't really have to deal with that. I just got lucky I think with their temperaments.

Zero tolerance!

DD 14, can be miserable and as cross as she likes. She can express her opinion politely, what she cannot do is take her frustration out on other people by lashing out verbally!

If DD tries the "shut up" route then there is a change of tone in my voice and posture she is reminded in no uncertain terms that she does not get to speak to me, her Dad or anyone else like that and there is a consequence.

I have found wirh DD that not giving her the desired reaction she wants and standing your ground works best with her.

Also meaning what you say and seeing any consequence for bad behaviour through, no matter how much it inconveniences you as a parent.

It’s been a while, but I had zero tolerance for rudeness. My house, my rules.

14 & 16 and neither have ever told me to shut up or bugger off. I' m not sure they would. They do take themselves off to their room though, no slamming as we live in flats and it's been trained out of them!
I don't mind answering back as long as they are not rude. They're allowed to swear but not at someone. Also if they're cross, angry , upset, tired (go to bed earlier) then that's ok, but they're not allowed to take it out on someone else.

I can honestly say it never really came up, and my sons are 30 and 18 now.
That's not to say things haven't been challenging over the years (ds1 mostly tbh) but it stopped short of out and out rudeness.

One thing I did do, which is probably odd in most people's eyes, was to make the car a judgment-free zone. They could try out whatever cursing/swearing they wanted, so long as it wasn't directed at me. I always had a thought that with teens, the swearing is mostly for shock value, so if you take that away, they feel less inclined to use it elsewhere.

I don't know. Probably I just got very lucky with my kids.

No...but the more angry you get the more power you are giving them . I used to show my Dc the Kevin and Perry scenes on YouTube and we had a good laugh about them!

Answering back, yeah, to an extent. Slamming doors - no. I got them out of the habit when young, as they would have to go and stand and open and shut the door quietly until I was satisfied they'd got the message. Given that I took a book to read during this, it could take a while. Their uncle took their cousin's door off, and this loomed large in their mind. Swearing - okay to a certain extent, given that we swear too, but there was a point at which I'd ask them to tone it down. TBF, I do that with their father too! Swearing AT people - no. Telling us to bugger off? Yeah, nah, they wouldn't, because it would be unpleasant for them if they did. Favourite meals disappear from the menu. Little treats disappear from the cupboard. No one terribly interested in taking them places or picking them up. . .

When their tone got really beyond what I was prepared to accept, I tended to very quietly ask them how they'd feel if someone was speaking to them like that? They're fine to be feeling angry, crappy, whatever, but not to take it out on other people. They'd be invited to take themselves off, and come back when they were able to be civil, or wanted to talk constructively about what was bothering them.

None.
Not sure I have any magic tips though. I think I was very lucky!