How do I become less generous?

[Mybleedingheart]

This sounds silly but I am generous to a fault. I love giving gifts and making people feel appreciated. I’m excellent at finding or making things that are very well suited to the recipient. BUT, I’m not made out of money. I live a simple life, my children have their needs met (to be fair, I live quite frugally and most things come from Vinted) and I never buy anything for myself (nor expect anything). But still, I find for example that at the end of the year when someone’s taken up a collection for the teacher gifts, I’m always someone who gives more, or does more (makes cards), etc., or remembers a card or gift for the teaching assistant, sports club person, etc. It’s not like I can’t put food on the table if I do this, but it still is somewhat extravagant to buy, for example, two £20 scarves for the teachers.

I do this because I think it’s important that people feel appreciated. The world is not fair and I wish that teachers, nurses, etc would be better compensated, but that’s not the world we live in. Will my scarf/etc make a difference? Not systemically but maybe on an individual level?

I am also aware that I have trauma from neglect in childhood, which leads to people-pleasing and anxious tendencies. It’s not that I want or need approval from, for example, the teacher or postman, but I just want to make everyone happy.

as I grow older, I realise that hardly anyone else does this and whilst it does go over well with the gift recipient, it’s also perhaps a bit extra. Is this something I should work to rein in? If so, how do I do it?

Write a sincere card and don't spend money, especially not money you don't quite have. Most adults don't really want other people to buy them scarves anyway and you know this on some level.

Stop projecting the unmet needs of your child self onto other people. You can't fix her this way. But you can honour her by sitting down and thinking about the other person and writing them a short, personal, sincere note explaining how they have touched your life, in large or small ways, and expressing your gratitude to them.

You're right that everyone: your child self, your present self, your child's teacher, the postman, your best friend, everyone wants to be seen and valued, and this insight, even born from trauma, can enrich your life. But presents carry other meanings and can't work in the way you intend. You can't buy love or your place in the lives of others.

Have you tried not doing it?

Lots of people (including me) don’t really like presents at all. Those that do probably prefer them from people they love. Can you say thank you, or express your appreciation verbally?

I am also aware that I have trauma from neglect in childhood, which leads to people-pleasing and anxious tendencies

Therapy.

I hate receiving gifts especially from randoms. I would give your gifts to charity immediately

The scarves were an insanely high-risk gift, @Mybleedingheart . I wouldn't even buy one for my sister without a strong steer from her about what colours/designs/fabrics she would like. As a PP suggested, gifts like this suggest a shopping compulsion. It is so absorbing and relaxing to immerse ourselves in small choices.
If the scarf recipient genuinely liked it, this would have been a matter of pure chance. Much more likely that she was simply good at making the politely appreciative noises a gift recipient is compelled to make.

And I'm more and more struck by you describing yourself as 'generous to a fault'. Is this not a judgement for others to make about you , rather than something you can say about yourself? It is their experience of the giving, not just your enjoyment of it, that determines whether it was truly generous, rather than self-directed.

Thank you, yes I think that is a big part of it. But also, I do have so much fun with it! I love to think about the person, what interests them, what might suit them and the occasion. I have so much fun contemplating!
but how do I stop? I don’t know how, it feels wrong to not give someone something to show gratitude
This is such an odd attitude, you don’t know teachers and their likes. Most teachers dislike all
the tat gifted to them, teachers aren’t on the breadline, do you gift the school cleaners? To be brutal I think you enjoy the attention of being that ‘kind generous person’
Spend your time and money on your own family not random ppl who won’t appreciate your efforts.

Try experimenting OP - what happens if you give half of what you normally do? Match the average? Or, even, don't give anything at all.

Nothing wrong with making the world more balanced/ a happier place. But it doesn't always have to come from you.

Nothing wrong with making the world more balanced/ a happier place. But it doesn't always have to come from you.

I love this. I'd also say that a genuine compliment and kind words are worth much more than any item. How about working on your compliment game before offering financial rewards for being your friend/ relative.

This all sounds like focusing on other people whilst neglecting yourself.

I have someone like this in my family and it annoys me. It feels needy and I don't give a shit about presents. I actually think it's more like they have an addiction to buying and giving makes it better.

I can't compliment anything they have or I might get one for Christmas.

Lots of interesting comments here, thank you to all who took the time to respond.

I should clarify that "extravagant" is perhaps a stretch. For my children's teachers, for example, everyone said "pay what you can" and I found out that most people put in £5, whilst I contributed £10. So it is technically twice as much, but I can afford it and think, why not? It goes towards a voucher that I'm sure the teacher can use. Or with the scarf, yes, that was risky, but we adored the teacher, and it was £20 (or maybe even £17) and I included a gift receipt. I don't want to be revealing but she was a young teacher who often had clothes from this high street shop, so I knew she would be able to exchange it if she wanted. I don't mention this to be defensive, but because I just want to clarify some examples. Or at work when an envolpe is passed round for a birhtday, some people just put 20p in, I'll put in a £1; it seems uncharitable to do less (especially these days with cost of living, what is 20p anyway??) Or when a friend's child was in a serious accident and hospitalised for several weeks (they were abroad and I couldn't visit) so I sent a teddy, whilst other people would send a card (or just a text these days!)

Though I also think there is definitely truth to me needing some therapy for people pleasing and healing from neglect, so I appreciate hearing that from multiple voices here.

This
@Mybleedingheart
You are describing at length how you feel about the gift, rather than the recipient
Also its not your responsibility to make people happy and its horribly pressured when gifts are given and front loaded in this way.
People dont like it, it makes them uncomforrtablel because its transactional

Your responsibility is to give a small gift of thanks, no.more no lless