How do I become less generous?

[Mybleedingheart]

This sounds silly but I am generous to a fault. I love giving gifts and making people feel appreciated. I’m excellent at finding or making things that are very well suited to the recipient. BUT, I’m not made out of money. I live a simple life, my children have their needs met (to be fair, I live quite frugally and most things come from Vinted) and I never buy anything for myself (nor expect anything). But still, I find for example that at the end of the year when someone’s taken up a collection for the teacher gifts, I’m always someone who gives more, or does more (makes cards), etc., or remembers a card or gift for the teaching assistant, sports club person, etc. It’s not like I can’t put food on the table if I do this, but it still is somewhat extravagant to buy, for example, two £20 scarves for the teachers.

I do this because I think it’s important that people feel appreciated. The world is not fair and I wish that teachers, nurses, etc would be better compensated, but that’s not the world we live in. Will my scarf/etc make a difference? Not systemically but maybe on an individual level?

I am also aware that I have trauma from neglect in childhood, which leads to people-pleasing and anxious tendencies. It’s not that I want or need approval from, for example, the teacher or postman, but I just want to make everyone happy.

as I grow older, I realise that hardly anyone else does this and whilst it does go over well with the gift recipient, it’s also perhaps a bit extra. Is this something I should work to rein in? If so, how do I do it?

it your choice OP. Do you want to break this habit?

While you've plainly got something significant going on, as a practical thing, no teacher needs, or indeed wants a gift. They really don't. A card thanking them and being specific about something they did that you appreciate is more than enough. And they can use it for evidence of their work.

Not being rude about your taste in scarves, but a lot of gifts to teachers end up in the charity shop.

I don’t know. I suppose it has to do with priorities. I reckon I could save the money (and time and energy, like the time I baked cakes for a friend’s massive celebration, literally for over 100 people!) and, I don’t know, put it in a savings pot somewhere and have more money for myself or my kids? It’s not that the amounts I spend are all that outrageous, maybe a couple hundred quid per year. But still, it adds up! And I notice, for example (and this is perhaps a massive stereotype), many people who are externally much better off than we are (driving luxury SUVs, living in grand homes), don’t do that and seem…stingy. And I’m not at all, I’ll give the shirt off my back if needed. But I wonder if it is actually somehow detrimental.

Yes you kinda explained it in your post OP. Sounds like you might be showering gifts (ie affection) on other people to make up for the lack you experienced when you were younger, so may be unhealthy just from where that's coming from in you - i.e. a loaded gift, even though it's a really lovely "fault" to have, is still putting the expectation on other people to thank you / appreciate you/ show you praise. There are of course much much worse faults to have!! But save the money and energy for yourself and your family too, you deserve that energy to be poured back to yourself too

I feel your pain Op

Thank you, yes I think that is a big part of it. But also, I do have so much fun with it! I love to think about the person, what interests them, what might suit them and the occasion. I have so much fun contemplating!

but how do I stop? I don’t know how, it feels wrong to not give someone something to show gratitude.

You are very generous but have you considered that the recipient isn't always happy to receive an over the top gift, or sometimes any gift.

I have received so many extremely thoughtful and generous gifts over the years and there's not many that I have liked enough to keep. I am extremely fussy in what I like, I wouldn't keep / wear/ eat anything for the sake of it. Then I feel sad that the gifter has wasted their time and money on something I'll never use. Then I feel obligated to return with a gift of similar thoughtfulness and value. On and on we go in an endless spiral of materialism.

I'm now a person that doesn't receive gifts at all and it is wonderful.

If you can afford it and it's within reasonable boundaries (which I'd say a couple of hundred pounds a year is) and you enjoy it then carry on.

I think the bigger question is why you're so focussed on what other people are doing with their money/free choice? Why does other people making different choices make you think your choices are wrong/need to change? It's a self confidence issue.

Maybe you can change the way you see what you are doing - being overly generous is rarely altruistic and often leaves the recipient feeling indebted in some way.

We worked in education, though with adult students.

I have given so much stuff given to me as gifts to the charity shop over the years I have lost count. I don’t like clutter plus I am allergic to scented products. DH was given loads of booze over the years, we are light drinkers and like beer but it’s generally spirits and wine. We also had many well meaning overseas students give us stuff like orchids in resin and ornamental kites. A huge gold coloured model dow springs to mind. On one bizarre occasion I was given a beaded evening gown by one of DH students as his Father owned a clothes factory.

A thank you and a card is nice.

Really you probably need therapy to tackle the root of your issues, which you acknowledge.

"I do have so much fun with it! I love to think about the person, what interests them, what might suit them and the occasion. I have so much fun contemplating!"

Reading this, I think it might be worth considering if some of your compulsion to do this has some of its roots in shopping addiction. It's quite common for this to display as excessive gift giving, as it gives a person a 'good' excuse to plan purchases, go to shops to browse, and buy unnecessary things. If any of that rings a bell, there's loads of resources about overcoming it on Youtube.

Extravagant gift giving often makes the recipient really uncomfortable. Maybe it would help if you looked at it like that, rather than it making people happy?

Bear in mind that a lot of people just don't want your little gifts, and may experience them as a source of awkwardness or even irritation.

Ask yourself Who am I really pleasing here? In many cases it will be you - your need for busy-ness, or to 'justify' time spent on a crafting hobby. Or, as you say a need for 'people pleasing'.

I suspect that your need for 'people pleasing' isn't really about 'pleasing' them, or not just about pleasing them. It is probably at least partly about receiving validation/praise/words of gratitude from them, and staving off some nagging sense that people may be making negative judgements about you.

In that sense, you could ask yourself Is this really generosity at all? Can it really be generous when it is locked into a pattern of protecting my self-esteem?

I'm sure that in some instances the gifts are very much appreciated, especially things like cash for the postman. But you are being unfairly judgemental about people who choose not to do this. I don't do it. I have no idea how my salary over the years has compared with the postman's, but I don't see it as my business to make good any shortage s/he might be experiencing. My job is just to talk to them with respect, appreciation and politeness

There you go. You've said it yourself. This is about 'fun' for you, not really about the other person. I suspect that if the recipients knew how much headspace this occupies for you, how you had been fantasising about their interests and possible reactions, they would feel an additional embarrassment, on top of the social awkwardness of an unnecessary, or unnecessarily extravagant, gift

I recognise at least some of what you are saying, but came to recognise that the gift giving was much more about me than the people I was giving to.

You can see that yourself - it is part of your identity to give more than you can afford, more than others, and to look around to see whether others are doing the same. To buy new things for others but second hand for yourself.

Were you brought up in a religious household? Were presents framed in your upbringing as good manners/obligation?

Do you wish that others would give more to you? You sound as if it would be hard to treat yourself the way you treat other people - do you spend £20 on yourself for your birthday or a good job at work, or do you really think that others should be doing this for you?

In the end, you can unpick this for yourself and decide whether to change your way of being or not, and what it would mean for you. I have elements of giving in my own life that are important to me and so I keep doing them. But if you feel really uncomfortable at the idea of giving a generic physical gift that they probably don’t use (rather than a card) to a professional who frankly probably earns more than you do for doing their job then yes, maybe spending some of your gift budget on therapy would be worth it.

This is why they are better off OP. People with less generally give more. It seems like its starting to bother you, so maybe now is the time, quite rightly, to pull back and put the money towards you and your family.

I am also aware that I have trauma from neglect in childhood, which leads to people-pleasing and anxious tendencies. It’s not that I want or need approval from, for example, the teacher or postman, but I just want to make everyone happy. Have you had any therapy to work through this link?

To offer a counterpoint, you are potentially making other people unhappy by being unusually generous - nothing more annoying than the one parent who goes above and beyond with teacher gifts! Plus for teachers it can be uncomfortable too.

Plus you don't purchase for yourself, and as you say the money could be used for your family.

I think you are right to want to address this

Spend the money on therapy. But agree with others it’s about how it makes you feee, not about the recipients pleasure. Is it linked to feelings of self worth where you are only valuable as a friend if you are buying stuff for people, do you think they wouldn’t like you if you didn’t? There’s a book called the courage to be disliked which is a bit of a clunky read but I found it useful.

you also can’t make people happy, you aren’t that powerful , good to realise that. It’s also not your responsibility to. All this is stuff therapists will see every day or there are loads of resources online. What will happen if people werent t happy? Nothing as you are an adult but your brain doesn’t know that.

I guess you should aim to match the average, think about if it’s actually steaming from being quite selfish not generous to want to always be the one who gives the best gift, the most money, rather than fitting in with the norm for your group.

Other people might interpret it as you wanting to buy status, to be in competition with others.

You just have to remember that people don’t relay appreciate it all that much. In fact, and you’ll probably think I’m such a Scrooge, I’d rather people didn’t get me gifts. I hate the obligation of buying one back…. Especially right now when I’m skint. So my net overall feeling is negative.

So maybe think that you’re actually making some people feel negative? That might help.

Do people really appreciate your presents? Excessive generosity can oddly come across as needy sometimes - it becomes more about the giver and not what the receiver actually wants.

Why buy a present when a card is sufficient in some circumstances? Do people reciprocate? If they don't, then I would dial down what you are doing.

A lot of presents, especially to people you don't know well, can end up in the charity shop fast!

If it wasn't for the neglect thing, I'd wonder if you were my DD (who had a very happy childhood).

It really worries me that she spends so much (on a low salary) on random gifts for no reason, for people who don't need or expect them. I know she'll already have gone completely OTT on teacher presents (I was a teacher and I've told her that teachers would much prefer a nice letter, but it fell on deaf ears).

I don't know the answer. I'm well aware from Mumsnet that me offering her advice or being critical of her gift giving is not going to go down well. But she clearly loves making people happy, as she sees it.

How much are you spending, OP? I suggest that for a few months, you write down, honestly, everything you spend on this kind of crap stuff, and then total it. Remember every card, stamp, small item as well as the bigger things. Then seriously think about what you could have done for yourself or your kids with that money. I bet it's a lot more than the £200 you think.

I was given a scarf once by a client. I genuinely appreciated the thought but… it was a zillion miles from my taste, I never wore it, it lived in my chest of drawers for ten years before I had the courage to get rid of it. I had a tiny living space then and it took up space I didn’t have. A card would have been much better.

As per a few other posters, I'm trying to address my hoarding and to declutter. Gifts, no matter how well thought out, add stress. And teachers in the family give me the end-of-term booze, cakes, trinkets and hand-makes to get rid of. They come home with bin bags full, sometimes of the wrong teacher's stuff. Gift cards are an admin nightmare and often go unspent. Sorry.

When the generosity is excessive it can actually be stressful for the people on the reveiving end. Because they feel indebted to you.