DS birthday am at a loss

[Carrie76]

DS will be 14 in a few weeks and has asked for a gaming pc. He has had a really tough few years. 3 years ago he would go out all day with friends played sports and mostly
enjoyed life. We’ve always suspected he was ND due to his intelligence and other things. He has left the house socially twice in the last year, he refuses school and has talked about ending his life. He recently got an autism diagnosis which wasn’t a surprise. He spends most of his days playing Minecraft or learning random facts on you tube. We did a few days of no screens and he would lie on his bed completely withdrawn and often crying.

He won’t be getting a gaming pc for his birthday as it seems like you have to spend huge amounts just to get an entry level pc. I am at a loss at what to buy him as he literally has no interest in anything anymore. At Christmas he suggested that when people asked what to buy him that I should tell them to use the money they’d usually spend on him to buy his siblings more presents.

Our house is having repair work done on it at the moment and we have to keep moving to other houses. He’s finding that really difficult and the psychiatrist said just to let him do whatever gives him comfort for now. I’d really like to make him happy on his birthday but am at a loss. I’m not even sure what I’m expecting from this post, has anyone gone through something similar?

What’s your approx budget do you reckon?

If we were to buy a gaming pc it would be £800. If it’s not that our normal budget would be around £200

Ask him which pc he would like and explain you do not have the budget to buy it but you can give him money which he can put towards it if he can save up - he could ask other people to give money towards it and he may need to wait until he can afford to buy it At 14 this is more than reasonable and a good thing to learn about saving and waiting

There are lots of gaming tech gifts that aren’t a ful PC would be want anything like that?

LED keyboard and desk pad and mouse
Gaming desk with LED
Gaming headset with mic

My gaming mad son absolutely loved this recently
https://amzn.eu/d/00tN63gJ

It sounds really tough - are you getting any support to help you cope? I know there are online groups
for school refusers and I’m sure there is simialr
for parents with children with autism.

Honestly if you can afford it could he have the gaming PC as this year and next years birthday and Xmas? Then honestly only spend small open amounts on him for Xmas and birthday? He sounds isolated and sad and a PC could be a bit of a lifeline and he may even chat online to friends too. If you have the money to get it I would but speak to him and let him decide if he forgoes future gifts in lieu of this.

I would give him money towards a gaming pc. Whatever your usual budget is. That way he can save up for what he wants.

does he have other relatives who buy presents? If so I would ask they do the same.

and then do the same at Christmas.

does he get pocket money/allowance?

Money towards a gaming pc. Or you can get a gaming pc/gaming laptop on EE if you pay monthly if you can afford it. I would do it as a one off considering how unhappy he is.

Does he have a particular model in mind? You should be able to get one for £800; you could look at ex display models and refurbished to get more bang for your buck. Obviously if he has his heart set on a top of the range several thousand pounds one that's not possible. I would offer to combine Christmas and birthdays for while until you're back on the budget of what you would usually spend on gifts.

Also op are you doing an echp?

@FusionChefGeoff thanks for those ideas, I don’t think he’d want all the gaming pc related things as it would jist emphasis that he doesn’t have the pc. No we have no support.

Getting him to save for it is an idea but he doesn’t really get money from anywhere. He gets £15 a month in pocket money. His aunt and grandmother will give him a present but it’s usually a token like a book. I think it would take him years to save.

I’m really on the fence about what to do, we can afford it. Part of me wonders will it make him even less likely to leave the house. I would have always described him as a sporty kid and I’m struggling with the fact that he’s
now a gaming kid. On the flip side there is a chance that he’ll get in to coding.

I do totally get your dilemma. However it doesn’t sound like he’s about to go out and socialise/play sports if you don’t get him it anyway?

No he’s not, he never leaves the house.

I can’t help on the present front but I’m in a similar situation with a younger autistic child although things are improving.

It sounds like your son is in autistic burn out. Do you have support for yourself? Have you looked in section 19? - He would benefit from
some thing like mindjam.

Op do it. He can learn to code, it opens up the world he can talk to others. There’s a very special minecraft server created for autistic kids as well so they can play and chat over mic it’s designed to stop isolation. It’s monitored by the parents who set it up so only autistic kids can join.

Op - I have a neurotypical 13 year old and the switch to secondary school also coincided with a change from being very active to doing a lot more gaming. It is quite upsetting but l think part of it is a natural change and I hope it doesn’t last forever. I think it’s understandable that your son is looking for comfort and routine during a period of a lot of change.

If you buy him the pc then it shows that you respect his interests and love him for who he is right now. It sounds like he’s intelligent enough to understand a) that it’s a huge expense and a big deal and b) that you might be worried about excessive screen time.

could you also make a deal that if he gets the pc he has to come out for a walk with you at least twice a day? Or play a game of football with his siblings? Or whatever works for you. Frame it as ‘if these are your interests you need to make sure you do them in a way that is healthy and sustainable.’

I was going to suggest this, give him the £200 towards his PC and he can save towards it, i probably wouldn't buy him a "thing" it would go to waste and maybe build resentment.

@TreesTreesSkyhas it.

I'm just going to share with you the story of my friend's lovely ND boy who's just turned 18. He too several years back wanted a gaming pc and they got him one, I think just during or after lockdown. At first my friend was a little worried about screen time etc and whether he should have one. But, long story short, he had now designed and demoed his second game and he's bsing snapped up by some amazing tech company to sponsor him through college etc snd then work for them. He also has a lovely bunch of friends, most of whom are gamers too. They all do pc gaming. He's a well-adjusted young man who is living the dream, doing what he loves...
Obviously every kid who gets s gaming pc won't turn out to be a game designer but this lad's life has been supported and encouraged so much by his parents listening to him on what he wanted and trusting that it would be a wise thing to do. Now his mum said that there WERE of course times when she had to put the foot down when he was younger if he was using it too much , and had to be on him at times to make sure he got his homework done etc. But he has now excelled at school too and the mum looking back realises that she did make the right choices....
I'd say go for it but tell him it's hos main present for thecnext 4 occasions and then just get him something small for the next 3, like a game or something.

If you can afford it then buy the gaming PC as a one off. Having the PC isn't likely to cause more mental health issues or make his isolation worse, that is because he has had a breakdown. The psychiatrist said to let him do what makes him happy and the PC is the only thing he wants and he can indulge his interests.

My son was already diagnosed with ASD as a 3 year old but he had a mental health breakdown during year 11, and it started in year 10. He stopped going to school and was very poorly, I feared we would lose him. We are now 3 years on from that and he has managed to access some FE college in a specialist setting and gained a small level 3 qualification. His mental health is still very fragile and he still needs constant reassurance and he is isolated and his world is very small. I would do anything to give my son some purpose and make him happy. ASD and poor mental health is a very long road sadly. Try and nurture and encourage your sons interests, it will help him and none of this will be a quick fix. Your son may be able to make friends online and there may be some groups locally for ND people with his interests.
If you can afford it buy the gift.

My friend couldn’t afford to buy a gaming PC for her teen son, so he built his own from his birthday money and bits of savings.

He enjoyed researching the various components and looking for bargains online, ordering them and finally putting it together.

If your DS is ND and very bright, he might relish the challenge?

OP, leaving the house socially twice in the last year is not as rare as you think. Gaming PCs are incredibly expensive but if he gets into coding/game design and loves it, it will give him purpose. Get the PC but set limits on use - how many hours a day/week are reasonable? Get him to sign and agree a contract on use.

Would he join a sports club (judo? swimming? bouldering?) if you bought him a membership and offered him the chance to earn money (from you) towards a gaming PC every time he attended? Would he be open to this if you explained you are worried about his activity levels, and want him to build the habit now for later life?

I'm not trying to dismiss the difficulties your son is having. I am ND and really struggled as a teen. Regular exercise wasn't a magical panacea for the difficulty I had having, but I did notice that my emotions tended to be on a more even keel the day after sports. It also kept me in the habit of going out from time to time, which meant I still believed I could do it if necessary, even if I didn't enjoy it. Lots of teens have a balanced relationship with their PC, but I'd be really cautious of it being his only outlet - gaming is just so much easier and safer than the real world that you can start to believe you wouldn't be able to cope without it.

I wouldn't get him a gaming PC. I say this as a parent of two adult kids who have Autism.

Access to the Internet is creating this spiral, he isn't coping, he doesn't have the maturity to moderate himself and create a healthy balance and he won't until he's a lot older. Do it for him, the short term dramatics when tech is taken away will make him a lot happier long term.

In fact I'd go as far as to say kids who have Autism shouldn't have access to tech until much later, it saddens me seeing frustrated youngsters who have Autsim beating the shit out of an iPad or some other gadget they've been handed and the parents clearly haven't made the link that the device they've been handed to calm them for a few minutes is the exact thing that's causing their frustration.

Why would they buy him the accessories for a PC he doesn’t have? 😂 that’s just cruel! People are weird on here.

If your budget for gaming PC is £800 have a look at CyberPowerPC - they build using your choice of processor, graphics card and memory. Delivered to your home ready to go. We paid £850. My 14 year old DS is very happy with it.