DS birthday am at a loss

[Carrie76]

DS will be 14 in a few weeks and has asked for a gaming pc. He has had a really tough few years. 3 years ago he would go out all day with friends played sports and mostly
enjoyed life. We’ve always suspected he was ND due to his intelligence and other things. He has left the house socially twice in the last year, he refuses school and has talked about ending his life. He recently got an autism diagnosis which wasn’t a surprise. He spends most of his days playing Minecraft or learning random facts on you tube. We did a few days of no screens and he would lie on his bed completely withdrawn and often crying.

He won’t be getting a gaming pc for his birthday as it seems like you have to spend huge amounts just to get an entry level pc. I am at a loss at what to buy him as he literally has no interest in anything anymore. At Christmas he suggested that when people asked what to buy him that I should tell them to use the money they’d usually spend on him to buy his siblings more presents.

Our house is having repair work done on it at the moment and we have to keep moving to other houses. He’s finding that really difficult and the psychiatrist said just to let him do whatever gives him comfort for now. I’d really like to make him happy on his birthday but am at a loss. I’m not even sure what I’m expecting from this post, has anyone gone through something similar?

Exactly @FusionChefGeoff this is like a kid wanting a dog but you buy them a lead a collar and a chew toy!

I think it’s a great idea and have done this myself - my son turned 18 in January and hasn’t had his present yet as it’s money towards a car but he needs to pass his test first - he is more than happy to wait and the longer he takes to pass the more is going in the pot lol

To be honest OP even an £800 set up wouldn't even be close to a decent gaming PC. I would help him start saving for one.

Could you get him doing extra jobs to earn money towards it (extra jobs for you, maybe for his aunt/grandmother or elderly neighbours) it would do him good as he’d have something to aim for. Mowing lawns, washing cars, clearing leaves etc.

Could you say it's his birthday and Christmas present this year and next? Then on those occasions get him small token gifts?

If he likes learning things on youtube, could he learn how to build his own pc?

Explain to him that he could have the cheaper pc now (you won't get much for £800 I'm afriad) or you could get him a few better quality parts to get started with.

When he is stuck for what to ask people for he could ask for upgrades or parts (or money towards them).

As a former (autistic) teenager, it is much harder to socialise once you go through puberty. Other teenagers start noticing things that are 'off', and you can be bullied or feel exhausted socially from trying to mask.

Making friends through a shared hobby (in my case online games and pc building) can be a literal life saver. It can also lead to further interests and careers that are more accessible to autistic people (solo indie dev etc.)

If you can afford it please get him what he's asked for. Removing screen time from neurodivergent young people can be really detrimental (unless you notice that using it makes him dysregulated obviously...it's usually the opposite)

He will be able to make connections with like minded individuals and hopefully this will help him recover from what sounds like autistic burnout and gradually start doing other things.

I was going to suggest this as well, my husband builds them himself for him and our son and it's much much better value. He would need to look up how to do it properly as you can damage the parts by touching them I think or something....as you can tell I don't get very involved!! But the learning is a hobby he can do, he can have different parts to start him off and then upgrade as he goes along. It might be good for him

You could use his DLA for this

Have you considered refurbished? Also for less than your max amount you coukd get a PS5 which works great with Minecraft. I'm sorry to hear about your son. It must be incredibly hard.

If he never leaves the house anyway OP then I would. His mind would be getting serotonin from the gaming which may improve his happiness overall? Plus then you can get accessories for Christmas/future birthdays.

Is £15 a month the most you can stretch to for pocket money? My 7 year old gets £3 a week so that seems very low to me, although I know it's easy to say. Could you stretch to him getting more for chores etc?

My sister has a gaming kid. He's not into team sports but she's recently gotten him into mountain-biking. He loves it! It's pretty much a solo activity but does involve going on treks with others.

OP, I think you've got a much bigger problem here than a birthday present.
It looks like some serious parenting mistakes were made on the way that you allowed him to skip school and feed his screen addiction. Not everything can be explained by mild autism, sometimes it's just teenage hormones + permissive parenting.

@Husaria thank you so much for your hugely helpful comment. When my child was medicated for depression and wanted to end his life I should have frogmarched him to school? Is that what you’re saying. He goes in for 1 class a day, he shakes in the car on the way up and is completely exhausted when he comes out.

Thank you to all the other helpful posts. He has asked that it be his birthday and Christmas presents so if we do get it that will be the case. I like the idea of him earning money by doing an activity. He was occasionally playing tennis with me about 3 months ago and then he stopped so it might be an incentive to bring it back.

Just in case you missed my comment : have you applied for DLA? If yes, that can go towards his equipment unless you need it for household costs. You should get the middle care rate: 306£ per month. If you just get the lowest care rate it's still 120£/month.

Just to give you some hope: my DS16 asd had his worst period between 13-14. For almost 2 years he wasn't able to go to school- I tried to force him in the beginning but they called and told me he was crying out loud sitting in a corner. Very funny to read comments about how we should just force our kids when their mh doesn't allow them to have a normal life. He also stopped all hobbies. Only played video games (during day time- never at night). We tried everything ; home schooling /tutors/psychologists/psychiatrists. He was hospitalised for a week because he was suicidal. Given different medications that made things worse tbh. The only one that helped was Tercian to help calm him down in the evening. And Sertraline for his OCD that he was already on since he was 10.

I think it was puberty that broke him. Slowly ge got "better" and started school half time. Now he's full time in special school to try different trades (they also got nurse, psychologist etc) and he's much better. Still wants to play video games when he comes home but also got friends he goes out with. So there is hope.

Christ what a shitty comment to make, hope your pillow is forever hot.

@TheBlueKoala thank you so much for your post. It’s really good to hear that your son is doing better, hopefully my ds is at the worst stage and things will improve. It really is impossible for anyone to understand if they haven’t loved through it.

I’m not in the UK so won’t qualify for DLA.

😂

I'd get him the pc if finances allowed.