I am so worried I will lose my other children if my other child won’t stop being violent.

[woodingtons]

I have 3 children and the youngest is 8 and is about to be assessed for ADHD and autism.
I have put on the pre-questionnaire that she is violent at home which is true but I’m terrified that this will end up with my two lovely nt children being removed because of her violence and I don’t think I could ever forgive her for that.
She hits, thumps and deliberately upsets them, calls them names and yet they are so nice back.
If it comes to the crunch I would want to keep my two nt children with me as they would be safe if she wasn’t there and a lot happier but I just couldn’t ever see my two taken and her staying here.
They were here first and are so well behaved and don’t deserve any of this, I have a beautiful relationship with them but my youngest hits me, spits at me and deliberately mocks me and is utterly hateful and I am so worried that my older ones will be removed if she carries on.
Of course I want my children to be safe but I want them to be safe here and if the only way I could keep them safe was for them not to live together I would rather the older ones stay but if I lost them because of her my life would be over and I couldn’t be around her again.

The older ones are 10 and 11.
It’s such a horrible situation and I am so worried about what will happen now I’ve done the questionnaire.

Your children won’t be removed because of this. It’s not unreasonable to feel more positively towards your NT children as they’re easier to manage, but please don’t show this to your ND child. She needs your love too.

They won’t be removed due to this don’t fret.

Your children won’t be removed but the way you’re talking about your eight year old is awful. This is a child with additional needs, you’re talking about ‘never forgiving her’ for something which she is unlikely to be able to control.

if she’s eight, is this the first time you’re reaching out for support and assessment? What steps have you taken till now?

Of course, it just seems so unfair on them when they have done nothing wrong and I wish this could be the happy loving home they deserve.

They won't be removed but you do need to put measures in place to protect them. What strategies are you using.

So sorry to hear this

I dont know if this is helpful but I found ADHD meds drastically improved my child's behaviour. Hopefully your DD will be seen soon, my DS (almost) never gets into trouble at home/school anymore. I hope your DD is seen soon xx

This in a nutshell.

They are looking for evidence of impairment. It will hopefully help. I don't think they will be looking to take DC away - that is only ever a last resort and not done lightly.

And YY medication helped DS2 a lot with behaviours including aggression/violence. It was like he had no ramp up before, the slightest thing would just send him immediately into fight or flight mode. Now he is on medication he still experiences emotions but they ramp up more slowly so he has chance to use techniques like deep breathing or walking away and going to another room rather than lashing out.

From some of the ways you have described your youngest vs the other two I wonder if you are experiencing blocked care.

It is HIGHLY likely that if OP's child is only just being assessed now, she has been on a list for months if not years. And IME before you get on the list you get fobbed off or told to "wait and see if they grow out of it" every time you ask for help for a couple of years before that. Particularly if they are the first ND child in a family.

Sometimes it is difficult to say whether a child is actually different to their peers until they are around 4/5 because a lot of the earlier behaviours which show up with ND can just look like an extra difficult baby/toddler phase.

It is very difficult to get a child assessed these days unless you have the funds to go private, which most do not. Eight years without proper support is a very long time to deal with aggressive and volatile behaviour.

What's this? - are you testing OP to see if she reaches your standard of how a parent in her situation ought to behave?

I hope so, she masks all day at school and then comes home and has explosive meltdowns and me and her siblings get the brunt of it.
Of course they don’t see this at school but I have put everything down on the questionnaire, we’ve waited years for this assessment so I didn’t leave anything out.

i don’t usually comment on these type of threads - but I had to say I totally get this - and it’s really hard to see the siblings suffer 💐

They won’t be taken away - professionals understand some things can’t be avoided and you’re taking steps to get help for you all. To be blunt as well there is nowhere to take them to anyway - all services are on their knees.

It’s a good few years ago but it was intensely difficult for my kids’ siblings - one in particular had to have hospital treatment more than once from the violence - no one bothered tbh - except to say I always, always, had to look out for the ND kid, and not get mad about it - the one they never fully diagnosed properly at the time and we are going back around with her as an adult now.

It wasn’t great for us but hopefully time has moved on with diagnosis and support, and you’re getting earlier help and that will help settle things for an ok future together - please don’t feel bad for how it is, and, whilst you’ll likely get lots of posts emphasising the need to look after ND child, and ‘do it this way’ just know you’re doing your best in an awfully difficult situation and I’m sorry but it is often bloody unfair on the siblings and you’re allowed to feel this and say this 💗

It's so easy to sit behind a keyboard and stick the boot in isn't it? I hope you felt some satisfaction at posting that because those of us who have been in the trenches are side eyeing your post with a roll.

Do you know how long it takes to get an assessment now, especially with girls?

To be honest I’ve suspected it for years but every time I spoke to nursery staff, health visitors and previous teachers all said she was fine.. but this year for the first time a teacher said she saw glimpses of what I had been saying beneath the mask and her behaviour worsened dramatically when she transitioned from infants to juniors.
Shes been on the waiting list since October.

Just to say you’re not alone. I have two SEN children, one is violent and one is not. It is hard. Beyond hard. I’m exhausted. Every day I’m full of fear he will hurt himself or her and it will be my fault for not being in the exact right spot at that moment.

Wow! What a nasty response. I don't have any ND children and, whilst I admit I found the language used in the OP a bit shocking, I can completely understand what drove the OP to say these things. I imagine she's exhausted with dealing with the aggressive behaviour and trying to protect her other DC. It's been going on for years. I can believe it's a real fear for someone going through this that their other DC would be taken away if they're constantly being beaten by their sibling. Try and have some empathy instead of judging her and piling on.

@woodingtons Even if you beg SS to take your 8 year old away they won't. Not as long as you're not doing drugs, hitting and/or neglecting your children. And even then the first step would be to put support in place. There is a huge demand of foster carers so it's really only used when the children's lives are at stake.

I understand how you feel.

It's very difficult when your child is violent to you and you wouldn't be human if you didn't resent it sometimes. It was right to be honest on the assessment forms.

I found NVR useful and the charity Capa First Response. Have you started the EHCP process?

The charity Sibs may also be useful.

The OP has used this thread, not to air genuine worries about her child, but to basically say she wants them to take the youngest away.

The worry she has about her older two being removed from her is just completely unfounded, but she is using that made up fear to create a scenario where she can say “take the youngest.”

No one is taking any of her kids away, especially not the older two. So why go on about how she would prefer they take the youngest as the others were there first? They’re not going to take any of her kids! She is using a made up scenario to give herself further reason to dislike the youngest’s behaviour. Why not just cope with the reality instead of creating a scenario in her head that will absolutely not happen.

Are the older two signed up to young carers? Worth it if not, so they can get support from others in the same position.

Have you looked into low demand parenting?

Your other two need safe spaces that the youngest can't access so they can get away when she's having a meltdown. That really helped us with our eldest - the younger two were easy targets when she was full of rage.

A friend of mine has a son who is hitting her and his sister

Her daughter has been classified as 'at risk'. This doesn't mean anyone is about to take her into care. It means more support for her brother and she gets certain extra care and support from school and social services.

It's about identifying families most in need.

It's not in anyone's interests to remove her from her family.

We had pretty much this exact thing.
It's hard, but she needs extra love and reminding in calmer times about how she treats others and how that upsets them. I know that sounds fairly easy but I know it's not, you have to be consistent and hide all your frustration, it's exhausting and heart breaking. Mine is now 11 and on the waiting list for medication but has stopped hitting etc, I honestly thought it wasn't going to stop. Still has massive outbursts occasionally but it really does help to talk through in calm times. I also took her out of school and that was a game changer, it's not ideal, but seeing how much happier everyone is without her having to go is worth it. I'm hoping she can go back when on medication.
The questions are just for them to determine what help is needed based on the effect it's having on family life