I am so worried I will lose my other children if my other child won’t stop being violent.

[woodingtons]

I have 3 children and the youngest is 8 and is about to be assessed for ADHD and autism.
I have put on the pre-questionnaire that she is violent at home which is true but I’m terrified that this will end up with my two lovely nt children being removed because of her violence and I don’t think I could ever forgive her for that.
She hits, thumps and deliberately upsets them, calls them names and yet they are so nice back.
If it comes to the crunch I would want to keep my two nt children with me as they would be safe if she wasn’t there and a lot happier but I just couldn’t ever see my two taken and her staying here.
They were here first and are so well behaved and don’t deserve any of this, I have a beautiful relationship with them but my youngest hits me, spits at me and deliberately mocks me and is utterly hateful and I am so worried that my older ones will be removed if she carries on.
Of course I want my children to be safe but I want them to be safe here and if the only way I could keep them safe was for them not to live together I would rather the older ones stay but if I lost them because of her my life would be over and I couldn’t be around her again.

The older ones are 10 and 11.
It’s such a horrible situation and I am so worried about what will happen now I’ve done the questionnaire.

I would have thought it was pretty obvious that I’m coming at it more from a place of empathising with the child than judging the parent. As someone with children in my life who could be described like this it is genuinely upsetting to see the focus solely on the impact this younger child could have on the ones who behave. The OP didn’t read to me like a parent struggling to balance the competing needs of three children they love and trying to find fairness in a difficult situation, I’ve read threads where parents are at the end of their tether and struggling to do this but the phrasing of this seemed off.

if I as an adult view the OPs post as criticising her youngest child and prioritising the youngest it doesn’t seem outrageous that is some thingthe child themselves are reacting to. But I’m v aware posts on the internet are snapshots so hopefully this is just poor wording.

Unless you know the OP in real life then you don’t know that for certain and are just speculating. Your comments aren’t helpful.

I just knew there’d be some not so helpful comments on here - why I normally don’t post despite having experiences around this.

Unfortunately, some of us find it really bloody difficult to manage - and it just nearly breaks you - and I think it’s good people start airing their deep and difficult thoughts to help others, who may have them too, to know that it’s ok to feel this way. OP and others will feel shit enough about it tbh - just a vent space could help that - especially if everyone was kind back.

I used a lovely thread on elderly parents when I was struggling with 24/7 EOL care for my Mum - it just about saved me - and my Mum tbh as I could keep going. For some reason it’s ok to have conflicting feelings on parents, but not kids - and kids and their stuff last a lot longer than an elderly parent.

It does also feel so unfair on any siblings - I struggle with how it impacted them decades on - and to be frank they do too - as it still is to an extent though in a different way - I’m 60 and worried now about siblings picking up after I’m gone and trying to mitigate that. It’s a terrible thing to be consistently choosing between your own children and always letting one or other down.

Yeah I used to fantasise about my difficult kid going elsewhere tbh - jump all over it if you want - it didn’t happen and I kept going - and tbh part of that was wanting my own normal fucking life - right or wrong - and idk if that influenced my view on whether it fair on their siblings that I made that choice that they all stayed together - well at least until they took their own escape pretty young - I’ll never know tbh. If I could have just vented somewhere without feeling the worst, most unloving parent ever, it could have helped a bit.

You’re doing great @woodingtons - and it’s good to see those helpful posters and support - look after yourself 💐

I don’t think it’s helpful at all to fixate on the wording of the op. I read it as a mother who is exhausted worried and frightened to lose her other children.

She’s chosen to use an anonymous forum to express herself as is her right. It’s so easy for others to clutch their pearls at the language used simply because she’s a mother and god forbid a mum says how she might really be feeling. She’s tired, she’s scared and has no control over the current situation. Give the woman a break ffs.

It's pretty difficult sometimes to love a child who hits you, kicks you, smashes things, spits in your food, says terrible things... (just listing some behaviours we experienced - obviously I don't know what the OP's daughter does exactly). You love them and you understand intellectually that they can't help what they do when they're disregulated (I see that very clearly 5 or 6 years on - I can see her think "Grr, I want to hit" and then visibly get control of herself).

As well as NVR and play therapy, I also participated in a university research project and it wad an absolute life saver. I felt so desperate and ashamed and frankly, suicidal and my marriage was hanging by a thread. The researcher shared that all the autistic girls in her study had stopped hitting by 10 or 11, which was really encouraging (again, not assuming the OP's daughter is autistic, but mine is).

I think unless you've been through this you can't know what a terrible thing it is and you certainly don't know how you'd react.

There is a huge taboo about discussing child to parent violence.

My daughter got referred to an anger management project at secondary which did seem to really help.

Ah yes, "why not just cope"

One of the most dismissive suggestions I've ever seen on here. Have some empathy for what must be an incredibly difficult situation. You must know that it's a completely normal human response for the brain to come up with all kinds of unlikely scenarios as a coping mechanism for things which are impossible to "just cope" with, and OP expressing worry that any of the children might be removed is highly unlikely to result in anything happening. She is doing the right thing by seeking assessment and being honest on the intake forms, and it brings up taboo thoughts. We have all had taboo thoughts of one kind or another.