Advice needed on daughter’s aggression, threats and refusal to follow rules

[Wandawandswanda]

need advice re dd 14 yo. She screams at me, refuses to follow rules, abuses me verbally, scratches me.

She wanted to get acrylic extensions done and I've said no, so she says she will die and throws tantrums.
She doesn't tidy her room or do basic things around the house. Ive tried printing out basic rules for her and using money as an incentive but she never does it. Please someone help!!

bump

Ok, so advice is going to depend on a few things -

does she have any Sen eg autism or adhd
who is in the household - is it just you and her, is dad on the scene, any siblings?

teens can be very difficult.
you can make clear that if she wants money she needs to do X but as you say she might choose not to have the money. My son was similar.

the book “get out of my life but first take Alice and me to town” I found very useful

No SEND. DH is close to her, and he isn't very strict tbh. Older half sibling from previous relationship who does not live in household.

Ugh!

I would laugh at the most ridiculous stuff if you can. I would also try to say yes as much as possible so that she gets used to some responsibility, and to show that you don’t only ever say no, on principle.
But have limits where she knows you will go absolutely nuclear at her.

She is too old for printing out the rules, but she must learn consequences. Starting with being rude stops all lifts, all money and all internet.

re internet she cries when I say that and acts like she can't live without it and will be 'bored'.

Yes, teens do throw tantrums when you say no or impose consequences.

ignore them (unless she’s physically harming you in which case you’ve got a bigger problem).

rules: which rules specifically?
it is hard to get teens to help with household chores so many parents get them to clean their own bedroom, do their own laundry etc as then of it’s not done they only have themselves to blame.

Does her dad pander to her and undermine you?

If so, you don't have a DD problem, you have a DH problem.

So tell her that actions have consequences and ignore the drama. Bored? Too bad.

its so tough. Im sure it never used to be like this.

So?
You need to toughen up and stop caring if she likes you 100% of the time. You are the parent. You are not her friend
You have control over a few important things in her life. Her money, her Internet access, her tech access, her transport. So use what you have.

Have one conversation with her outlining your limits.
"if you scream at me, are verbally or physically abusive the answer will always be no"

Then when she does any of those things all you say is "No because you screamed/swore/hurt me". Then walk away. Don't explain or lecture or justify or bargain. Leave.

When she's calm have conversations about her anger along the lines of "It's ok to be angry, it's not ok to screamed/swore/hurt me. That's not how adults behave. If you feel angry, you can talk to me about your feelings. I can listen and try to understand. It doesn't mean I'll change my answer"

Too bad, so sad. Let her cry.

appreciate this advice

Is there anything going on with you? Are you struggling with your mental health? People pleasing tendencies? Were you verbally/emotionally abused as a child or witnessed DV between your parents? If there's something getting in your way of parenting you need to sort that.

Your DD needs you to be self assured, confident and consistent in what you do and what you say. She needs strong, unchanging limits. Is she smells your weakness she'll exploit it, she's a teen!

When she is abusive and violent towards you, what does her dad do?

he shouts at her and tells her to stop and apologise.

I would not accept any of what you are putting up with OP from my 14 year old DD. You do not need to either.

My DD knows that her actions have consequences. Sometimes she has had to learn this the hard way. Do I like imposing consequences, no of course not, but I am her parent, not her best friend and her Dad and I have a job to do.

If she chucks a teen tantrum because you say no or she can't get her own way. So what? You are the parent and you control and pay for her food, clothes, WiFi etc.

Consequences - for teens, need to be something the value dearly and relevant.

DD- has not put her school uniform or netball kit in the laundry to be washed .It is still on her bedroom floor where it has been since Friday after school. She was told to put it in the basket Friday night. DD has not, it won't be washed now and she will not have her netball kit ready for her after school match tomorrow. If she decides to stay up and wash her uniform/ kit fine, but I won't be and I won't be advising her on laundering it either. If she wants to attend school in unwashed uniform tomorrow that's on DD . I have emailed her head of year in advance and explained the situation. Tomorrow morning she will probably kick off . If she tries that I will calmly explain my position and she will then have her phone taken off of her for being rude.

The physically attacking you needs to stop right now. You are going to have to be really tough on that and have a zero- tolerance attitude to it.
In my house DD would be grounded with no tech/ WiFi for a week, no clubs or seeing friends for a while . She could have time to reflect on her behaviour.

yes, DD has tried the I will be bored without the internet, I need my mobile to contact you or Daddy.

My response tough luck it's not happening and I will not change my mind, whilst handing her the basic flip top mobile phone we keep for an emergency.

I just don't get these screaming violent teens, i would never have dared raised my voice to my mum never mind raised my hand to her. What on earth has happened that we now have these disrespectful out of control teenagers ? Something drastic has changed in parenting children in the last few decades and not for the better.

He should not shout at her. That's just as bad. Neither of you are parenting properly. There are no consequences for her behaviour and there is no consistency.

I think it’s a change in attitude.

back when was younger and indeed even when my ds (early 20’s) was younger if you had to walk around a shop or be in a pushchair and bored - so be it.

I see on MN all the time that you should avoid doing these things with your kids and/or given tech as soon as they make a fuss.

Those really important early skills just aren’t learned.

You need nerves of steel Op!

Do not shout at her. Do not engage in the arguments. You calmly tell her what your expectations is. When she becomes irate you tell her very calmly: “if you raise your voice, or you allow your temper to become violent, all you are doing is proving to me and your dad that you are still a child. So there will be a consequence, because children who behave badly get a consequence.”

Ask her if she would like to step out of the room for five minutes and come back to decide calmly. If she doesn’t or if she escalates, then you implement the consequences.

Typically I turn off the WiFi to the whole house. I have it set up in such a way she can’t turn it on. My dd (now 15) has an extremely limited amount of data per month - so she can’t really stream anything.

For a more persistent misdemeanour, I un-subscribe her Spotify account for a month so she can’t listen to her music and audiobooks as easily.

For a bad misbehaviour I refuse lifts for a week.

By the way - loss of internet access isn’t fatal to teenagers. Tested and proven.

Oh give it a rest, not another classic "young people today"/"back in my day" comment! So tedious. Do you really think teenagers lashing out is a new phenomenon?

How wonderful that you were so full of boundless respect and empathy for your parents when you were that age...

Is she ever abusive or aggressive towards him?

What are the consequences for her actions?

I could have written this. But now it’s escalated to physical violence from her and police involvement. Look at Early Help from your LA? Stick to boundaries though

Ignore her and don’t pay for extensions etc. Let her bore herself. Teenagers are totally stroppy - all hormones and no brains. 🙄