Lost my temper while caring for volatile adult son and feel awful.

[IncompleteSenten]

I accepted the AI thread title suggestion. Sorry about that.

My son (25 asd, adhd, very volatile, sometimes violent, lacks capacity, requires 24/7 supervision, etc, I've posted about him before) is in a bloody foul mood and has been following me round getting more and more angry, calling me names, generally escalating.

Ive been doing all the standard deescalating stuff, as you do. All day. Since before 8am this morning!

Until he started banging on the bathroom door and screaming at me while I was on the loo.

I lost my temper. I came storming out of the loo and yelled at him so loud I've hurt my throat. I cant even remember exactly what I yelled apart from I ended by calling him a twat.

I feel absolutely awful and I just need some comforting.

Please dont tell me how awful what I said was, I already know. Im also going to pay for it later because he will probably kick the shit out of me or trash his bedroom or both.

I cant believe I lost my temper like that. I basically abused a very very vulnerable adult while they were having a meltdown purely because of their disability. Its no different to tripping up a blind person or tipping a wheelchair user out onto the floor.

I feel like a sack of shit right now.

I challenge anyone to not lose their shit when being treated like that all day. Give yourself a break OP.

100% this.

It is different because the theoretical blind person you tripped up isn't following you around harassing you.

you have reached the end of the line. You really have got too much to cope with and you seem to think his violence is acceptable to you but its not. You really need a break and though its hard I think respite is desperately needed. I do not know if you have any charities that can help in the area but I would start with the Social Services for a review good luck

I'm sorry but 'kick the shit out of me'?

Does this happen regularly?

Sorry you are dealing with this @IncompleteSenten, hope you can get some respite and make peace with your son (will he understand your apology?) 💐

I agree with this.

So sorry this is your life and you don't have enough support.

Nobody would blame you. You’re doing a stellar job and your bucket overflowed.

re set and put it behind you. If it’s possible to get help, you really deserve it.

Capacity or not, he's abusing you my love. Please don't beat yourself up about shouting

No one has endless patience op. Stop giving yourself a hard time.

You are very far from a sack of shit, OP. You are practically a saint, but also human.

It's okay to let people know they have gone too far. That you have feelings. Even people who might struggle to process your reaction.

As PP said, the theoretical blind person/ wheelchair user isn't following you around verbally abusing you all the time. Just because he doesn't fully understand that it is wrong doesn't mean you have to pretend it doesn't affect you.

If he is at that constant level of agitation, it sounds like he might need a calming medication. Or you need a lot more support.

You too are a very very vulnerable adult right now, OP. I think you need to speak with his and your GP about the next steps.

You really are an incredible person managing this intolerable situation day in day out. Can you use this as an opportunity to talk to your son about how you can only take so much and he has to start looking after you as well as you looking after him?

I second the medication idea - get some antihistamines otc for him - can really take the edge off.

If he follows you around abusing you and kicks the shit out of you, you are not safe at home with him.
You cannot and should not live like this.

How awful for you. Can you enquire about some sort of assisted living setting for him?

If you were my loved one and he was my family member i would be totally on your side.
You are a human being and there is only so much anyone can take , disabilities or not he crossed the line, and no this is not the same as a blind person etc
You need help and support as much as he does , i hope you get it soon.

This. OP every time you post I keep hoping something will improve. Are there any avenues of support you haven’t yet been down? 💐

Thanks everyone.

He has a prescription for diazapam for these situations. You have to get the timing right so you dont give it unnecessarily but before he's fully gone because you cant get it into him then.

I gave him 2mg, I should have given him more I think but its too late now.

The person who asked does he hit me a lot - not as much as he used to. He's been really chilled out recently and I haven't had to do anything beyond keeping the normal no expectation no demand environment that he needs.

Im hoping to transition him into supported living by the time he is 30 but the environment.ent he needs doesnt exist and social services do NOT want to pay for creating it .

Anyway, the long term stuff is a moan for another day. Thanks for letting me get it out.

I hope this event and the support on here allows you to seek support for you both going forward, especially yourself op you sound as if you are on your knees.

Does he regularly “kick the shit out of you”? Do you have any help because you are also a vulnerable adult? I’m so sorry.

You are a saint!

I have a v challenging 20 yr old with complex needs, severe autism learning disabilities etc etc. He would test the patience of a saint as well.We are only human and yes sometimes we shout and beat ourselves up.and feel.like the worlds worst parent but honestly we forget the thousands of times we respond calmly and defuse the meltdown.
Let it go . No one can know how tough it us unless they live it day to day and anyone doing that will totally understand.

This!
I haven't read the whole thread, but did see that he could become physically violent. Have you considered some sort of sheltered housing or residential care for him, where you can visit but walk away when things get unpleasant/ threatening?