Lost my temper while caring for volatile adult son and feel awful.

[IncompleteSenten]

I accepted the AI thread title suggestion. Sorry about that.

My son (25 asd, adhd, very volatile, sometimes violent, lacks capacity, requires 24/7 supervision, etc, I've posted about him before) is in a bloody foul mood and has been following me round getting more and more angry, calling me names, generally escalating.

Ive been doing all the standard deescalating stuff, as you do. All day. Since before 8am this morning!

Until he started banging on the bathroom door and screaming at me while I was on the loo.

I lost my temper. I came storming out of the loo and yelled at him so loud I've hurt my throat. I cant even remember exactly what I yelled apart from I ended by calling him a twat.

I feel absolutely awful and I just need some comforting.

Please dont tell me how awful what I said was, I already know. Im also going to pay for it later because he will probably kick the shit out of me or trash his bedroom or both.

I cant believe I lost my temper like that. I basically abused a very very vulnerable adult while they were having a meltdown purely because of their disability. Its no different to tripping up a blind person or tipping a wheelchair user out onto the floor.

I feel like a sack of shit right now.

This sounds exhausting and not sustainable for either of you. I know you say he lacks capacity but what’s his cognitive level?
Does he respond to any rules or boundaries? You need at least one if not two sanctuaries. I’d say the bathroom is one and your bedroom another. Both with locks.
Make signs for the doors if necessary STOP for eg
I’d tell him when he’s calm there are times you need peace and quiet and privacy. If you are in either with the door locked he’s not to bang and shout.
I know this rule might go out of the window if he’s having a meltdown.
The medication doesn’t sound helpful either as you can’t always predict a trigger or meltdown. Is there a reason he can’t have daily meds?
Can you really do this for another 5 years? You are not safe. If he really harms you he could end up being detained somewhere very unpleasant. I’m sure you’ve thought of this and I know you are doing your best.

Just read your last post. Please pick up the phone when you can and get help for both of you now. If you aren’t getting anywhere try your MP’s office.

No judgement, just sending a gentle hug x

DS1 has ASD, and although he’s only 11 and small for his age, the violent outbursts hurt. Is there anything you can do to protect yourself later on?

I'm in the same boat as you
Mine is 26
And also perfectly capable of loosing his shit and ending up in a bad situation.
I have no idea what happens in the future and the benefits bashing fills me with dread for his future
Even if he could live independently,he could not afford to on his benefits.
I have no idea how single disabled people make ends meet on benefits
We do live in an expensive area ,but he would need to be near us to cope,and the money doesn't stretch that far .
I have no answers..just constant worry

It's completely different. Give yourself a break.

Completely agree. That is not ok, regardless of his disability. This is parental abuse on his part, and you cracked, understandably. You need to get some help or you could end up seriously hurt.

I'm so sorry op I have no answers but I cannot imagine being in your position. You love him of course but you can't carry on like this. Social services must help you.

Oh wow. This is one of the hardest things I have ever read on here.

I am so sorry for you.

All of the kind replies are right.

I wish the situation was fixable. The only slightly useful thing I have to say is have you contacted your MP? And Local Councillor?

I can imagine you may not have the energy for the fight anymore tho.

I want to live in a society where this man has the right provision for him and you can have a life knowing he is safe and being looked after.

Is there anywhere safe that you can go if he's likely to beat you up?

As mothers of ND kids we’re often told our children’s violence towards us is evidence of what a strong bond we have - it shows we are their ‘safe place’ where they can really be themselves and show their emotions. 🥰

And if we feel hurt or frightened or angry at living with constant aggression and violence, we’re misunderstanding what’s really going on, and making it all about us.

We must be fonts of endless love and patience and celebration and relentless advocacy.

We are reminded all the time that we don’t matter except as cups to pour from - and if our cup is empty it’s our own fault for not eating clean and sleeping 8 hours a night and meditating and taking regular exercise and getting plenty of ‘me-time’ and making sure we don’t become isolated from friends and family.

It's no kind of life TBH.

You need some respite abd you deserve it. Get onto SS and insist.

Oh you poor thing - pushed beyond your limit. You have to accept you are human and have a braking point. You are being regularly abused it seems and taking all as a natural part of his disability but no one should face abuse. Including you.

And if you are abused you need the ability to walk away from your abuser. disabled or not. Your child or not .

it’s more the equivalent of tripping over a blind person who has been whacking you with their stick for years

Op you are not terrible at all ,this would push anyones patience to unbearable limits most people had no idea . .my brother was disabled non violent or agressive but my DM had the patience of a saint with him !

Don't get so hard on yourself ,please.

Please, OP, ask for a carer’s assessment for you now. I get it. I actually have the proverbial blind child, who also has multiple neurodivergences, plus a rare and life-limiting autoimmune disease. I also have a 10-year-old who has autism, PDA and ADHD, plus a sleep disorder. I occasionally fantasise about driving off the edge of a cliff, Thelma and Louise-style. I have extensive child-on-parent violence and abuse here too. I also shout when I am pushed to my limits. And, yes, I have done it till I am hoarse. We are only human. I am desperately trying to get my elder daughter into her own accommodation because none of us is safe with her living at home. Please don’t feel too guilty. You have reached breaking point. It is only to be expected. But it is not helpful to beat yourself up. Anyone who wants to judge you is welcome to live in your shoes for a month. Sending you care, sympathy, empathy and solidarity.

Regardless of intention and capacity, regular physical violence and verbal/mental abuse have a very real impact on a person’s health. The impact does not disappear because the abuser is disabled. You can reframe it and medicate for your feelings as much as you like, but you are being victimised daily. No wonder you lashed out. I don’t blame you at all.

You are quite right OP that there are thousands of adults and even children like our boys locked up.in hospital wards, secure mental health units and even some in prisons that house violent prisoners. It is akin to the asylums of the Victorian era that people believe to be long gone.
It is a national disgrace and successive governments agree that the inhumane treatment of people with severe disabilities ( not all violent btw) must end but then nothing ever changes . And as you say the constant benefit bashing threads and media vitriol against disabled people in general is certainly not helping the cause.
Anyone who wants to confirm this needs to Google search Nicholas's story which is heartbreaking.
So it is easy for people with no.experience to post saying ask for respite or residential care etc etc but the provision is not there so families like the OPs are forced to struggle on with no.hope in sight.

Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate you all.
We got through it and eventually I was able to get him to take more diazapam and just waited it out .
He didnt end up hitting me which was fantastic and today he is really calm.

First post nails it.

Are you physically safe?

perhaps he needs a permanent low dose of something that will just keep him a tad more relaxed, calm and happy?

you shouldn’t have to live like this. in fear.

It probably does.

Fairly often yes. I've got a lock on my bedroom door and a wedge that goes under the door so when its bad I lock myself in and my other son has a bolt and wedge too.

I agree. You are a saint for managing this as well as you do. I think its time to ask for assisted living for him. If you health suffers it will be no good for him either.

You are a human person who had a human reaction to an intolerable situation. No-one could put up with that and no one should have to. Please contact services to look at long term options for him. He needs his own life too. You won't always be around.

I agree.
See if SS can organise some respite care.