How to make boundaries with brothers partner, without upsetting everyone.

[touringmymind]

My brother has a new partner of 2 years and she’s lovely and good with his children, the issue for me is that she has very high standards compared to us and will expect my children to use her hand sanitiser if they have been on a swing or touched a railing or something public.

I don’t have these expectations with my children but when we are out together, she asks all the children including hers, my niece/nephews and mine and they all do.
She was reminding my children not to touch things or to discard a bottle of drink because it had been on the floor, something that doesn’t usually concern us.
I notice if my mum joins us she has started to remind everyone to sanitise all the time now which is not something we’ve regularly done, She is quite concerned with anything going on the floor like a handbag and any toys that have been in the garden or dropped on the floor are cleaned.
I don’t want to change to fit in with her but my brother seems to get quite angry if we don’t all go along with this when we’re together.
Would you just do it for her or be yourself?
I notice my brother has adapted to her expectations and so have my parents.
Dh and I think we should just be ourselves but my mum thinks if we don’t play along we will exclude ourselves.

We consider ourselves to have good standards of cleanliness but we don’t want to have to meet the standards of someone who lives in a show home and obsessively washes their hands every time they touch something because in my mind she potentially has a MH issue and I don’t see why our family should be humouring this.
I feel like saying something when she starts squirting sanitizer in my children’s palms because they picked up a stick or a shell but I don’t want to upset my brother who is so taken with her he’s going along with all this.

I realise in the scheme of things it may sound like I’m making more of this than I should but I find it weird that the whole family have just changed to fit in with someone who has just come into the family.

It’s not as if we are unhygienic or live in filth, we are just a normal family who aren’t obsessed with germs but it seems we’ll be ostracised if we don’t play along and meet her approval.
I miss when we were all just ourselves, that’s what family is to me.

I think if you are at her place then go along with it (and maybe visit as little as possible). In my own home no I would not humour her. Basic hygiene like hand wash when coming into house after playing in the garden and definitely before eating but not every 5 minutes, no.

We have never been to her home or her ours, we usually go out for days out with the children or all visit our parents house.

I've got an aunt like this and it drives me fucking insane. If I had to clean a toy every time it touched the floor I'd be forever cleaning it😅 I don't know what you can do but it's madness!

I would not meet up with her unless she packs this in. I don’t allow my kids to use hand sanitizer and I don’t use it myself. We wash our hands before eating/after loo/when coming in etc.

I wouldn't go along with it. I wouldn't call it out or make a scene obviously, but would just say "Ah no, its okay. We don't tend to do that 😊" when she offers it to the kids

Then no, definitely don't pander to it.

Nope, it's setting up your children to also be over the top germ phobic. You know yours is the healthy approach and hers isn't (both in mental health and for development of a normal immune system). She has a problem, it doesn't need to be yours and you certainly shouldn't let it influence your children. It might be hard, but I wouldn't be bullied into something that's damaging for your children.

A quiet word that you will take care of your own children's hygiene in future is what's needed, and if anyone tries to throw away or clean something of yours that's touched the ground (ridiculous!), just stop them and say, no, I don't agree that's necessary.

She sounds mentally unwell tbh.

I'd be limiting my children's exposure to her via taking the children off together to let them (db and sil) "relax" or just meeting for adults only dinner.

Other than that I'd be clearly saying "no you dont need to do that" "you are fine. Carry on" "different houses have different rules"
If she kept it up id tell her to confine her neuroses to herself and her step kids

"We don't use hand sanitiser thanks." If she insists. "Everyday exposure to dirt and bacteria builds a healthy immune system." If she insists again. "My friend's mum is a doctor, she says everyday exposure ...."

My mum is nearly 100. She grew up on a farm playing and helping out every day with all kinds of animal shit everywhere. No "germs" can affect her.

Nope, wouldn't be entertaining that. I'd distance myself if necessary and when with her I'd push back on the constant hand sanitising and cleaning of items. All she's doing is teaching the DC to be germ phobic. It's good for the immune system to have exposure to some stuff.

She'd have hated living in the 60s when I was a child because we'd play outside in the garden and me and DBro were always digging in the dirt with his toy soldiers and action men. Quick strip and wash for lunch and then back into the dirty clothes to go back and play.

There’s an old adage (well my gran used to say it) that a child should eat a peck of dirt before they’re two. How much a peck is goodness knows, but the point was that resistance is only gained by being in contact with germs.
My grew up with a mud pile under a hedge. My SIL Dettoxed her two constantly. My adult children have been consistently healthy, hers far from it.

Her germ phobia and your brother’s anger are their problems not your problems. I hate hand sanitiser and wouldn’t let anyone put it on my children. I’d just say no, repeat it and then tell her nicely but firmly to stop telling my children what to do. It’s not her place and you don’t need to pander to it.

this is perhaps just me but I'd take a middle ground. let her squirt it round before emeals or picnics or getting int he car or whatever, but if she's whipping it out every 10 seconds say "Oh mary, a little dirt won't kill them and I don't like them having all that hand sanitizer."

Oh dear no. I wouldn't pander to that. If at her house I'd wash hands as requested but no sanitiser - the kids and I flare up with horrendous eczema if we use it anyway and I'm sure she'd hate cracked, flaking bleeding hands even more!

My cousin's wife was like this. They had one child and she struggled massively with all the grimy/germy aspects of child rearing. We were out in the park with them one day and she got in a panic when he (her toddler) touched the trunk of a free and rushed him away to wash his hands. They are divorced now - you won't be surprised to hear that she was high maintenance about lots of things. I was amazed she had wanted a partner in the first place given her horror of bodily fluids.

I wouldn't put up with my brother getting "quite angry" with me about anything.

Hmmm, what sort of things does your brother get angry about?

I would continue to parent the way I always did. She can offer round hand bac if she wants-your children can choose or not choose to use it. I would probably deliberately put my bag on the floor 😂. If she tells them they can’t have their drink that’s been sitting on the floor, I would override that and tell them it’s fine. If your brother wants to get angry about it, I would be seeing them a lot less.

My MIL used to say that too. I was surprised to find out that a peck is nearly a litre. (I had been thinking of "a speck" ).

She sounds utterly neurotic. That's not normal behaviour, I wouldn't want my kids around someone who behaves like this. Your brother is in the wrong, he shouldn't be asking you to normalise this.

She is quite concerned with anything going on the floor like a handbag

This is quite common in many Sth East Asian countries. Did she grow up abroad or with parents from abroad?

This. No need to be aggressive, but just make it clear you aren't just being slack/needing her to remind you to use sanitiser; you've actively chosen a different approach.

FWIW I wouldn't like regulaer use of sanitiser; it's not great for the skin.

No

Children need to build up immunity, avoiding microbes isn’t such a good idea! Yes perhaps if they’re out and going to eat, but not if you’ve just come off the swings!! It sounds like she’s a bit of a germophobe. I’d just say quietly to her not to keep squirting your children too regularly due to reasons above

I'd be knocking the sanitising on the head too. I don't think it's healthy, kids need exposure to everyday germs to acclimatise their immune system to those germs.

Plus sanitisers tend to be mainly alcohol which can be drying to the skin of the hands (DS had eczema from birth, I was very careful not to do anything to his skin that could exacerbate that). I also tend to rub my eyes a bit, that wouldn't be good if I'd just sanitised that hand; but I'm an adult and would know to get a hankie out to rub my eye if that were the case, a child wouldn't, would they?

I would just brush her requests off with 'I think it's more important that they build their immune systems at this stage'. And hold that line, without deviation. How she and your brother react to that is their problem. Your children's health is your priority, not their germphobia.

Is her behaviour a hangover from Covid times?

Just use it as an opportunity to explain to your children that everyone is different, and it makes Aunt Sarah feel better if we do it, so we will. No big deal.