Struggling with 7 yo behaviour, please help

[Ashamedtoadmit2]

My 7 yo is A LOT of work and im exhausted by him. I love him tremendously but he’s wearing me out and I’m starting to not like him. I feel like the worst mum ever for saying that but his behaviour is really affecting our relationship and I don’t know what to do.

• he’s full of back talk and being smart. Any instruction or request is ignored and dismissed. Time to get ready for school, no I want to play; time for dinner, ignore ignore
• he’s grabby and jealous, has a massive tantrum if he perceives something as unfair (I also have a 3 yo who I have a mummy day with whilst he’s at school, if he finds out she had an apple juice or muffin at a cafe he’s furious)
• he’s constantly looking for ways to get a rise out of his little sister, constantly! (Although they do also enjoy playing with each other but lately he’s been constantly at her)
• he’s very impulsive - for example, we were at the swimming pool yesterday and there was a small metal fence, he picks it up, moves it around, etc. It’s like he can’t stop or control his body, he’s got tunnel visions . Despite my asking him to stop and telling him to stop several times.
• Mealtimes are a battle; takes forever to come to the table, plays with his food and drink, spills, talks endlessly; seems to have difficulty managing eating and normal mealtime chat (DD3 seems to be able to do this).

I love him to bits but I’m finding this stage so much more challenging than babies or toddlers. He was assessed for ADHD and ASD but no evidence of either, but does have a sky high IQ. He is doing fine in school (he had some trouble with finishing his work but it turned out a couple of children were teasing him, hence the ADHD/ASD assessments.) I try to stay calm and not be a shouty mum but really when it’s 11:00 and he’s already been told off a million times for picking fights with his sister, I really feel quite exasperated. I have tried having more time alone with him, that helps a bit but even then he is so stubborn and obstinate and wound up. Any advise? I’m really lost and struggling here.

Can you please point to your body of research based on 2-3yr olds verses 7yr olds?

I’ll be waiting.

Your one family does not negate wider and substantial findings that have been established with scientific methods.

Moreover, please accept someone is bringing a different perspective to the table without incessantly arguing.

You can research Henderlong and Lepper, Mueller and Dweck, and Kazdin if you’re interested. Yes, which is specific to children from preschool to later primary. I suspect you aren’t.

Similar to a poster above - my gifted ADHD son (not saying your child has adhd, but behaviour is similar to my son) needs tons of exercise, and mental stimulation.
in our case that is 30 min walk to school and back every day. Organized sports 5 days per week, minimum 45 minutes. In our case that is swimming, ballet, tap, jazz, judo, ballgames. School does two full afternoons of PE every week as well. In addition cycling, rollerskating, playground, children’s parkrun.
Strap the toddler in a carrier or running buggy, and off you go. Its not easy, but easier than a child bouncing off the walls! I work fulltime with 2 children.
he also learns a foreign language and a musical instrument for mental stimulation (plus gifted program at school for extra stimulation)

Oh shush !😂

The solution is very simple – stop replying to people and accept people have different, evidence-based opinion to you. Have a good day.

So you think gentle / permissive parenting works with children such as this ? It doesn't, they need firm boundaries.

Gentle parenting shouldn’t look like lack of boundaries, although I broadly agree it doesn’t always work and some of its advocates refuse to consider this possibility. But that isn’t unique to gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting and permissive parenting are different things.

This is a private school though, right?

It's a lot harder to replicate in a lot of state primary schools. They no longer have time, resources or (frankly) the will to extend the more able. It has to come from the parents.

Well, OP, your swimming pool example says it all. Ask him once, tell him once and then take him by the hand and out of the pool. Sit out for 5 mins before being allowed back into the water. If he goes back to the fence, one reminder and then out to the changing room. Set your consistent firm boundaries and stick to them, as any teachers will tell you. Praise him when he does as you ask.

Yes agreed, but it slips from gentle parenting to permissive parenting very easily

Maybe for some, but then that’s still permissive parenting. You could also say stricter styles of parenting easily slip into authoritarian parenting.

What is OP doing with the 3 year old while doing this?

Goodness No!
It was the suggestion to " tell a policeman" 😄

PE at school is from school. the rest is us. Clubs most evenings and both weekend days.
Extension in school is from school, language and music is again us.
it can be mostly replicated

Absolutely agree that its a boundaries issue

No amount of stickers/ praise / asking 5 times etc will work if the boundary isnt enforced by the parent
As I said previously we put it as " family rules" rather than entering into a me vs them debate
Few rules but those in place were solid
Otherwise it can feel very naggy and constant

Great point! It's not always that simple is it? If you're on your own then why should everyone miss out?

Well if you want to tackle the situation then you just get on with it, presumably the 3 year old was with her?

One warning
" dont touch the fence, or we get out "
Touches fence
Everyone gets out, straight home
No chat, ignore tantrum

Yeah tough on everyone but its either that or they know you dont mean it

Or you’re chasing two children around a swimming pool, one slips out of your grasp as you seize the other and you slowly lose all control of the situation …

If the 3 yr old is present (OP didn't say), she takes the 3 yr old by the hand too. 3 yr old also needs to know that when mum speaks she means it.
Parenting means learning to prioritise.

Sounds like the 3 year old is fairly compliant
If it was that tricky I wouldnt go with just one adult in the first place

Thank you for all of the thoughtful and not judgey replies! I’ve been wringing my hands about this for some time.

To reply to some of the questions and comments:

• Yes, mine is absolutely like a collie. Whip smart, full of energy, needs exercise and stimulation. He has PE twice in school, swimming lessons once per week, and judo once a week. We are a fairly active family and do lots of walking, cycling, swimming, playgrounds, museums in the weekend. He soaks up museums, puzzles, books, and has endless attention for those sorts of things. Same for building things, he’s quite creative and makes loads of things with crafts, Lego, etc. He’s very independent in that way and never complains of being bored! Though I do notice when his attention wanes, or if he’s hungry or tired, as he starts to become annoying
• He actually doesn’t have any screen time, we don’t own an iPad. We occasionally watch a film in the weekend or if they’re home sick. So for better or for worse that can’t be affecting his behaviour nor used as a reward or consequence.
• In terms of consequences, this is something that is frustrating. We are firm: if you don’t come for dinner y the time I get to 1, your Lego (or whatever he’s doing at the moment) goes away until tomorrow. I will then count backwards from 3, which he hates, but still often involves some amount of dawdling. And if he isn’t there by 1 and we take the Lego away, he will be very stroppy (shouting, crying, foot stamping) but then the behaviour still doesn’t change the next day.
• The swimming pool example I gave was at the entrance. We were there for his weekly swimming lesson (that’s why DD3 was there as well). We were queuing to register and that’s when he started messing about with the gate. I have a hard time coming up with consequences for that, as he needs to go the lesson, but then taking away something at home seems a bit remote. (It’s what I ended up doing but as above, the impact is minimal).
• We have been doing more one on one things lately in an attempt to quell the jealousy. He has after school club twice a week and twice a week I pick him up and we do something together, whether going to the playground with friends, getting new shoes, etc., and usually a little treat is built on to make it a little more special (for example, after the shoes we stop to get a boba tea, which is his favourite). But it seems to fall short?
• i do praise him when I see behaviours that I would like repeated, I reckon everyone responds well to praise! But it never quite seems enough for him.

Have you tried the 5 minute warning, some children struggle with transitions @Ashamedtoadmit2

So 5 minute warning for Lego to go away then its dinnertime
Then firm
Its dinnertime, lego away , then take him to the table ,if he kicks off, timeout for 5 minutes to cool off then invite him back for dinner "
The consequence is he sits down for dinner no matter what
At the pool , ask him once to stop then take him to the other side of you firmly and hold his hand
I said do not touch
The consequence is he does not touch the fence

Random at home punishments are not going to have much impact
You need to enforce what you are asking him to do
Next time remind beforehand he needs to stand nicely in the queue

Fair enough - I'd envisaged the 3 of them IN the pool!

OP, if your son's very impulsive it may be best for the moment to work round this kind of issue. DH and I used to tag team to avoid DD being a pain in this kind of way. Most things can be booked online these days. She was very impulsive at 7 (she was diagnosed with ADHD around that age) but has gradually developed more skills.

We managed to sort our awful mornings by promising a Pokémon card if he was all ready to go by a certain time and that worked. Now we don’t have to give the cards anymore as mornings are generally easier.

OP, returning here for solidarity as my 7yo indeed is very similar and I just feel exhausted by him at the moment. He’s on holiday since a few weeks now (we’re outside of UK) and it’s just relentless now that he’s out of the daily routines with school and his hobbies. He’s constantly not listening to a word I say. Even if he’s in principle doing a good thing, but doing it in a chaotic way, he won’t listen when I tell him to stop and listen to my advise. He just goes on. All the time creating fights with DC2 by taking things from her etc. Making mess and refusing to pick up anything after himself. Constantly asking to check things on my phone. Doing everything despite being told no - and doing all the time things that need to be told no to. I honestly feel like I don’t get a moment of peace even if he’s 7! And there’s no end in sight as things should be easier with a 7yo, why would they be easier when he’s 8 or 9?! Luckily he has soccer for few days coming up this week…pheww…And the most annoying thing is that we do so much for him. He’s had plenty of fun activities while he’s been on vacation: cinema, cafe, bouldering, you name it. He’s good while the activity is happening and back to his usual behavior as soon as we’re back home. Right now he suddenly took up a book to browse for a moment - hallelujah (even if obv blabbering to himself while browsing)! Thanks for a place to vent.