Struggling with 7 yo behaviour, please help

[Ashamedtoadmit2]

My 7 yo is A LOT of work and im exhausted by him. I love him tremendously but he’s wearing me out and I’m starting to not like him. I feel like the worst mum ever for saying that but his behaviour is really affecting our relationship and I don’t know what to do.

• he’s full of back talk and being smart. Any instruction or request is ignored and dismissed. Time to get ready for school, no I want to play; time for dinner, ignore ignore
• he’s grabby and jealous, has a massive tantrum if he perceives something as unfair (I also have a 3 yo who I have a mummy day with whilst he’s at school, if he finds out she had an apple juice or muffin at a cafe he’s furious)
• he’s constantly looking for ways to get a rise out of his little sister, constantly! (Although they do also enjoy playing with each other but lately he’s been constantly at her)
• he’s very impulsive - for example, we were at the swimming pool yesterday and there was a small metal fence, he picks it up, moves it around, etc. It’s like he can’t stop or control his body, he’s got tunnel visions . Despite my asking him to stop and telling him to stop several times.
• Mealtimes are a battle; takes forever to come to the table, plays with his food and drink, spills, talks endlessly; seems to have difficulty managing eating and normal mealtime chat (DD3 seems to be able to do this).

I love him to bits but I’m finding this stage so much more challenging than babies or toddlers. He was assessed for ADHD and ASD but no evidence of either, but does have a sky high IQ. He is doing fine in school (he had some trouble with finishing his work but it turned out a couple of children were teasing him, hence the ADHD/ASD assessments.) I try to stay calm and not be a shouty mum but really when it’s 11:00 and he’s already been told off a million times for picking fights with his sister, I really feel quite exasperated. I have tried having more time alone with him, that helps a bit but even then he is so stubborn and obstinate and wound up. Any advise? I’m really lost and struggling here.

It's hard when they're like this op ,you have my sympathy. You're not a bad mum saying any of that. Have you attempted any really firm boundaries yet? If he's late to the table, he gets no pudding/fruit/yoghurt or any food at all really if he doesn't listen to the first boundary of no pudding. Take away all devices if any and make his life really boring at first. Give him chores to do every time he back chats or doesn't listen to the boundaries youve put in place. It sounds exhausting mentally, failing that you'll have to go nuclear and if he keeps up with the back chat and nad behavior take him to the police station and get an officer to have a word, they do do that as my friend did it . The behavior sorted out after that

Is he better alone? I find mine a bit of a nightmare together but fine apart!

I'd have waited for the assessments because he's still young and some of those traits are like my ADHD son.

Regardless of any (non)diagnosis though I would suggest spending more one to one time with him. Can he have a special day out once a my month? An hour a week just with you too?

Also lean into what I call active parenting. With my ADHD boy you can't just be quiet when at the swimming pool so he has time to see the fence and mess about with it. You have to constantly talk, discuss, quiz. It's exhausting but that's my experience of an ND child.

How much exercise does he get?

My bright boy (age 7, year 2) is like a Labrador puppy. He has boundless energy. Unless I’m wearing him out he’s hard to keep in line.

My impression is that boys need a huge amount of activity to enable them to settle.

On weekdays he walks or cycles to school and he has a sport and drama after school on 4 days. Saturday is judo class and mowing the lawns or play dates/parties and Sunday his dad or I take him for a long bike ride or climbing (depending on weather) plus I take him for a one hour swim to top up his weekday swim class. He has been “training” for a 15 mile bikeathon coming up in summer, and he likes to do the MTB trails in our local forest.

I think this is about the minimum he needs to stay sane. I notice that if I take him on a long route when we cycle to school he arrives in the best mood possible and ready to learn.

I strongly recommend adding more physical activity to see if it helps balance your ds out.

Do you give him instructions?
What do you follow through with
Eg "stop touching the fence"
Ignores
Go and remove him, take him out and stern telling off
"Dinner time"
Ignores
Go and get him
Essentially the consequence is that he will do it anyway

Edit
This was on the advice of my fantastic HV
She observed DH would sit and give instructions but no follow through
She observed that I gave instructions but also followed with action
DH was cross DC did what I asked but not him
So he would say time for bed but remain sitting on the sofa

failing that you'll have to go nuclear and if he keeps up with the back chat and nad behavior take him to the police station and get an officer to have a word, they do do that as my friend did it . The behavior sorted out after that

Well that escalated quickly!

Is it 1950 ? 😂

Please ignore the PP who said to take him to a police station if his backchat doesn’t improve, terrible advice.

Your DS sounds similar to my 6 yo DS. We’ve not had him assessed but I have been looking at ADHD pre ring strategies as ultimately they help with the behaviour regardless of whether the person has been diagnosed. Also agree with the PP who said lots of exercise.

If his IQ is very high then he presumably needs more intellectual stimulation than he's getting from primary school, a 3 year old and a rather distracted mum (sorry OP - but it's never easy not knowing what your kid will do next - I have one!). Is his dad in the picture? Other family members? You need to enlist a bunch of people to do stuff with him - museums or workshops or whatever he finds interesting. Cubs if he's outdoorsy. Robotics or coding camp or Rasberry Pi if he's into that kind of stuff. Park Run if he's competitive.

If he'll read by himself then Aquila magazine is good.

I was very bored at primary school a lot of the time as it was so unchallenging although I didn't act up like this as a) my mum was terrifying and b).girls aren't encouraged to, are they? But I had free access to libraries and lots of books at home so I used to lose myself in books. Inalso enjoyed programming (badly) a computer. I went to a number of different primaries due to house moves and some were better than others at stretching the top end. Ask some questions of the school. Don't position it as being critical bit "what can I do to stretch my son over the summer holidays?", as that's your next challenge.

Is his dad in the picture? Was he by any chance similar when young? If so, get him on the problem.

This wouldn't work with my ds. At 7 he would have been too big to pick up and take out, so I would be appealing to him following me. Telling him off led to huge meltdowns and no sense of listening to what I was saying. It would be big crying or just shut down. What would work is "why do you think the fence is there? What do you think it's made out of so it doesn't rust? How many people do you think would fall into the pool of the fence wasn't there?" "I wonder how many otters could fit in the pool, what do you think?" Constant displacement from the 'naughty' activity is the only thing that worked.

I agree with most of above.

Before you into a situation remimd him of behaviour expectations and when you leave praise him for meeting him.

It all sounds like jealousy and he wants Mummy time once a week too.

Is your child ND?

Honestly Im not one of those parents who gets even vaguely ruffled by tantrums
Normal when a child is developing emotional maturity and isnt getting their own way
I dont pick them up at 7, I take them out by the hand
If yours are ND then no it wont work but if this DC isnt , he needs to learn coping skills
No teacher, boss etc is going to spend time faffing about talking about why they shouldnt do xyz

Edit everyone needs to learn and be able to cope with "no"
It takes time

OP, my 7yo is very similar. It can be exhausting and I just can’t help ending up shouty sometimes. And at the same time he’s the loveliest, energetic, intelligent and fun little person. I worry most that his temper may start impacting friendships. He’s had lots of friends and been relatively popular but over the past year he’s shown challenging behavior towards peers as well. Such as telling other kids off at the soccer field when they do “stupid things” 😫 I’ve spoken to a psychologist which has been helpful. She said she doesn’t see an immediate need for ADHD assessment so we’ll leave that for later, but I suspect he’s on some spectrum most likely.

Surely a parent and teachers job is to explain? How can you tell someone off before explaining what is wrong? A good boss also would if they're being a decent mentor. My child is ND but it's taught me understand that constantly saying "don't do that" "stop that" is not great parenting.

Boundaries! My DS was rubbish at helping with tidying yesterday and DH sent him to bed with no desert. Another time, he unplugged the TV and it lived in the hallway for a week on the way to the bin so he thought. Another time, he didn’t do as he was told and didn’t get to go to the school fete. He knows we follow through and he doesn’t mess about. Just the idea of not getting desert usually gets an immediate change of behaviour!

Yes once!
Then it would be a firm " no"
All this constant explaining instead of firm boundaries is ridiculous and why we have so many miserable children

I really recommend the book The Incredible Years. It a big book, but they have good and very engaging audio version.

The foundation of your parenting should be built on 1:1 time, praise and incentives, with consequences only coming secondary to this.

– spend 1:1 quality time with him every day, even if it’s just 10 minutes. What you do in that time is his choice.
– praise him heartily and frequently for all desirable behaviour you see from him throughout the day. Be specific about what you’re praising him for. It may feel OTT at first, but it’s important.
– create an incentives list together with him. Choose one behaviour to focus on at a time – for example, coming to you when he’s asked. He gets pebbles for a jar or stickers etc and can ‘spend’ these for tangible or intangible rewards (a piece of chocolate = 5 stickers, choosing a family movie = 3 stickers, a small toy etc). He gets one every time he has displayed the behaviour and how he spends them is his choice.
– don’t use ‘stop’ commands (stop this, stop that). Instead give the command of what you want to see (Be gentle with X please). Don’t phrase commands as a question (can you …) or as a group choice (shall we…). Be direct but polite (put those toys away, please buddy). Only give one instruction/command at a time and give him 5-7 seconds to process a command before repeating.

I think the praise works for 2-3 year olds
At 7 they shouldnt need praising everytime they listen or do something mundane
They either dont care or manipulate for treats everytime

Set firm expectations for family behaviour, zero negotiation
It just happens

Teethbrushing
Bathing
Bed time
Meal times and manners
Behaviour in doors vs outdoors
No hitting/ snatching

This is enforced firmly on a daily basis, no drama, no fuss
They can tantrum but it still happens

Sorry i have no advice but just wanted to offer solidarity! Your 7 year old sounds exactly like mine. It's exhausting isn't it? His brother is diagnosed autistic and I go back and forth about ADHD assessment but I honestly don't know. His big sis was similar with the inability to sit still/not touch at his age but was a people pleaser so pleasant with it. Now she's a teenager she barely moves at all 🤣 I have downloaded that audio book so thanks PP for that. I really need to change my approach but I'm so worn down by it all it makes it difficult 😪

Unfortunately you’re wrong about praise. There’s a large body of research that supports this for older ages. So that’s what OP should be mindful of. But that’s OK – you can believe whatever you wish.

Having strong boundaries on household expectations doesn’t exclude praise.

I’d advise you to do some more thorough research.

I feel for you.
Do not compromise on a few things, as listed above.

Another thought.
Maybe he is asking for what he needs - more parental attention.
When he is behaving well give him attention. And play with him more. Spoil him with attention like he was used to before the baby grew up.

You are giving advice based on 2/3 year olds, this child is 7
7 year olds dont really care if they get a sticker or a pebble , thats 2/3 year old stuff

Firm consistent boundaries are whats needed with clear expectations and a neutral tone Eg " in this family we..."
Give a warning of expectations in advance and then enforce them

3 children 1 ND
All healthy, happy and thriving

My 7 year old loves a sticker! He hangs around after football waiting for one.

I think praise is universally positive for all ages isn't it? Does it not give you a little boost if someone says you're doing well at work, or if that meal you cooked was tasty?

Everyone likes to be told they're doing well don't they?

Nope, my DD would stop doing stuff or destroy if it if praised and sticker books/pebbles never worked. You have to "accidentally" praise her so she can overhear and think of cunning ways to motivate her.

Kids are all different, and the more intelligent they are, the more easily they will see through and subvert simple systems.