Can anyone recommend some small practical ways to feel a bit better during difficult times?

[CateyeKate]

Over the last 8 (or so) years my life has been, well, crap. I feel so worn out and whilst it continues to feel as though life is an uphill slog I really want to try adding in tiny little positives to stop me looking backwards and feeling as miserable as I currently do.

I am not going through anything major, many people have it far worse than me but it all sort of come at once and I suppose that is what is causing me the biggest issue, trying to juggle and compartmentalise all the stresses of life and trying very hard for them not to bring me down.

A combination of some bereavements, a dc with ND issues and years of issus and school refusal (all resolved now but I am still frazzled from dealing with this every day for years on end), my own late adhd diagnosis last year which I have sort of shelved and not looked in to (meds made me much worse), Eight years of dealing with needy elderly parents, one with advanced dementia and cancer - other parent very difficult to deal with at times, struggling with a job I despise but unable to find another job which works well with my health issues. Then there are my chronic health issues to deal with and trying to navigate exhaustion, pain and feeling like a bag of shite most days.

The things that I already do/have tried:-

Eat well and avoid crap

Drinking only water

Trying to get to bed at a decent hour to sleep (even though the decent sleep is not always achieved)

Taking all the meds available which don't give me awful side effects (I struggle greatly with side effects and seem super sensitive to medication)

Exercising and practise yoga/stretching type movements every day

Counselling and CBT (I have had endless sessions of both on the NHS and haven't found they help too much but am on a waiting list for more CBT as I can't afford any private therapy)

Listen to hypnotherapy, the Calm app and relaxation every day

Get out in nature every day with my dog

Trying to keep a positive frame of mind which in all honesty I fail at every day (maybe I am just a natural pessimist?)

Trying to find a hobby that my wandering adhd mind will stick with but again I am finding that difficult.

Can anyone recommend anything that may help me whilst I navigate this more bumpy part of life? I am trying to make a big list of things which I can try and tick off to see what helps and what doesn't. I suffer from so much anguish and anxiety fretting over everyone in my life. I hate having a parent with dementia as it takes over my life, the worry more than anything because we now have good carers in for mum but I never stop feeling so so sad for her, it really takes a lot of my brain space.

I don't have much money these days so I can't afford private therapy or even going out much as I only work very part time due to my health issues and needing to help my parents out a lot.

Any recommendations would be much appreciated. I feel so low watching my friends having fun and enjoyable lives (yes, I now, comparison is the thief of joy and all that). I need to put strategies in place so I can also achieve a happier life.

What helped you?

Sending hugs OP, I am interested in this thread as am also emotionally worn from (now resolved, touch wood) school refusal, parent with escalating mental health problems, ADHD referral by GP and currently bad insomnia due to some meds. The phrase "brain space" really resonated, my thoughts swirl around my parent's condition and the associated organising and all possible outcomes, then I think about DC, and it all kind of feels crushing. Edit: adding that looking after my plants brings me joy, I play music to them and talk to them. Growing herbs and cooking with them is healing too, for eg, I grow spring onions from the ones I buy at the supermarket. With sunny weather my plants are extra happy these days 🍀☀️😄

See if there is a local choir nearby - honestly singing together with other people is the best medicine!

Audiobooks really help me when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’ve got a second hand Ikea Poang chair, and have set up a little alcove with a scented candle and some fresh flowers, I make myself a nice cup of coffee in a pretty mug, cut a slice of cake and loose myself in a book for an hour. I find it more relaxing than actually reading.

Do you have any friends you walk with or who would walk with you?

Getting out with the dog is great but the thing that’s really helped me is spending time with friends. I walk several times a week with various friends and have also joined a women’s walking group.

I really feel for you, it's the mental load more than anything, isn't it? Trying to find space for not only your own issues but everyone else. I love plants too, I keep meaning to get myself a little greenhouse and to start pottering about in.

I will have a look and see if there is anything nearby. Thank you.

That sounds delightful.

I love reading and have always been an avid book reader but over the last few years I've lost the desire to pour over a book, I have so many half read ones just stacking up. Perhaps I need to move over to audiobooks.

sketching

sit in the garden and just sketch what’s in front of you can be a cup of water
grass and a plant

Same here @CateyeKate I used to love a good book but since the COVID lockdowns I really don’t have the attention span any more. Audiobooks however are totally different.

I do have some friends but we have hit that age where we all have our own issues and are all part of the sandwich generation balancing family commitments, one has a parent currently at end of life so she is at his bedside every day, one has just lost her dad and her mum has mental health issues and the other moved away so I only keep in touch via Whatsapp. We have all sort of lost our way and only see each other now and then. I also have some unpredictable health issues so I often have to let people down at the last minute which I hate having to do and that means making arrangements can be difficult.

I need to find some online friendship groups or maybe a penpal service if such things exist these days?

I love art, I used to draw and sketch so much as a child. I do need to try it again, thanks.

A nail file and nice moisturiser.

Do your hands and feet. Soak them in a bowl of warm water first.

Nail varnish too if work allow it (mine don’t)

a simple pleasure. Xx

I agree with @Iheartmysmart about the flowers and pretty cup.

I haven't got masses to spare either @CateyeKate but I do find that using my nice things can make a difference.

I like to treat myself as if I am somebody important, someone I want to make a fuss of, someone who is worthy of at least a nice cup!

It's why I iron my nightdress, lay out my facewash, cream and folded white towel as if I am in a Spa and put on a splash of perfume or a piece of jewellery.

It's really easy to slip into a feeling that you're just not worth nice things and you flipping well are!

Yes. Open the window, lay on a freshly made bed with a jug of water with a slice of lemon in it, shut the door and listen quietly for as long as you have to spare.

If you can't get into a book at the moment, try something from BBC sounds-a play or an episode of In Our Time.

Pretend you are a valued guest in a Spa.

(maybe I am just a natural pessimist?)

Are you? I mean, sometimes coming terms with yourself fully and accepting it is a good way to move forward.

I would say only exposing yourself to uplifting/motivating books/media is a good way too. Sometimes being an optimist involves just pushing out/not listening to bad thoughts. Living with the glass half full, looking at the good things in life, that sort of thing. I live in constant gratefulness of all the things I have in life, compared to, say, people in other countries. If you're in the UK, you're already lucky.

Have a read up on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It might be more helpful to you than standard CBT 💐

Definitely agree with @LovingTelescopes when it comes to using lovely things and treating yourself as being important - because you are. I’m a bit lazy about ironing but always do my pillowcases as it makes me happy. The toiletries I use aren’t expensive but I’ve decanted them into pretty containers so they feel luxurious. Light a lovely candle in the bathroom while you’re having a shower or washing your face at the end of the day.

Try and make even mundane things more pleasurable, it doesn’t have to be expensive. I like a Mars bar as an occasional treat but I slice it up and put it in a little crystal dish bought for a couple of pounds from a charity shop. A glass a wine in a crystal glass - again very cheap from a charity shop.

A £3 bunch of flowers from Aldi lasts much longer than much dearer ones from M&S in my experience. All fairly budget friendly ways of making life a little nicer.

I have struggled at times over the last few years. I do similar to you. I have found being at home more really helps not having to rush just slowing life down a bit. Choosing who I want to spend time with is huge for me rather than saying yes to everything. Nature really helps me. It’s personal preference but reiki and massage occasionally too.

I came very close to a professional burnout this year and had a useful session with a pyschologist who suggested that I list the things that "drain my battery" on the one side, and the things that "recharge it" on the other.

I discovered by doing that, that creative activities actively recharge me when work and life stresses are having the opposite effect.

It was a really useful and simple exercise, and in my case I found that by putting more creative stuff back in my life, I felt much less overwhelmed and frazzled. So it wasn't a case of doing "less", but rather doing different things.

I'm not suggesting you should do creative stuff if that's not your bag, but i would encourage you to try the list exercise and focus on what drains you, and what recharges you/brings you energy. It might be enlightening.

When I’ve been in that place I find journaling really helps. Nothing too structured but having 15 minutes where I sit down and put my thoughts and feelings on paper. I have a notebook that I use that no one else has access to and I write completely freely - all the things I really couldn’t share with someone else, I don’t censor at all. Getting it on paper takes it out of my head, and helps me make sense of the internal conflicts that take so much head space.

There are more structured processes that I use when I’m less stressed, a lovely daily journal that has a morning and evening routine which takes 5 minutes.

Thinking of three things you are grateful for every day. Can be little things.

Taking life a bit at a time. Try to enjoy the brief interludes. (The little buggers do sleep sometimes)

( ND + disabled Single parent of two ND now teens, school refusal, bereavements, ex, school being an arse, various medical issues between us, random household shit, ex moving twice, twatty neighbours at one place or another. )

What gets me through the most difficult stages is finding tiny moments of joy, comfort and loveliness.

I don’t think about something as big as sitting down with a nice cup of tea, because there’s too much scope for that to get spoiled. Instead, I notice the scent of the tea caddy, the warmth of the mug in my hands, the first sip …that’s a lot of loveliness even if I drop and smash the mug because someone screams upstairs and I have to run.

Sleep isn’t guaranteed, but I notice the comfort of stretching out in bed, the coolness of the pillow, the duvet settling round me. It might be all I get.

I know it sounds miserable and a bit Pollyanna-ish but I hold up better when I expect and plan for the worst, but find good in small stuff. It leans in to my natural (and protective) pessimism, and also sprinkles my day with good stuff. Because I have adhd my brain is actually very good at finding weird little novelties and zeroing in on details.

I go to bed early, wake up early and make a coffee, go back to bed, and sit and listen to bird song while I drink it.

It makes a huge difference to me. It makes it feel like all is right in the world, and it's easier to face the day positively

This is not really a practical suggestion OP but just wanted to give you some unmumsnetty hugs. Honestly dealing with a condition like dementia is like intense grief every day. My mum doesn’t have dementia but a very awful degenerative disease, and honestly it’s like a constant bereavement where there are still lots of tasks to do. Well done for trying to carve out some time for you.

There is a very nice channel on YouTube called TobySketchLoose that’s great for getting into or back into sketching. The chap who does it is very gentle and soothing to listen to, even if you don’t end up drawing and it’s incredibly accessible. He has some nice little free courses on his website too.

I hope you find something that gives you what you are looking for.