Can anyone recommend some small practical ways to feel a bit better during difficult times?

[CateyeKate]

Over the last 8 (or so) years my life has been, well, crap. I feel so worn out and whilst it continues to feel as though life is an uphill slog I really want to try adding in tiny little positives to stop me looking backwards and feeling as miserable as I currently do.

I am not going through anything major, many people have it far worse than me but it all sort of come at once and I suppose that is what is causing me the biggest issue, trying to juggle and compartmentalise all the stresses of life and trying very hard for them not to bring me down.

A combination of some bereavements, a dc with ND issues and years of issus and school refusal (all resolved now but I am still frazzled from dealing with this every day for years on end), my own late adhd diagnosis last year which I have sort of shelved and not looked in to (meds made me much worse), Eight years of dealing with needy elderly parents, one with advanced dementia and cancer - other parent very difficult to deal with at times, struggling with a job I despise but unable to find another job which works well with my health issues. Then there are my chronic health issues to deal with and trying to navigate exhaustion, pain and feeling like a bag of shite most days.

The things that I already do/have tried:-

Eat well and avoid crap

Drinking only water

Trying to get to bed at a decent hour to sleep (even though the decent sleep is not always achieved)

Taking all the meds available which don't give me awful side effects (I struggle greatly with side effects and seem super sensitive to medication)

Exercising and practise yoga/stretching type movements every day

Counselling and CBT (I have had endless sessions of both on the NHS and haven't found they help too much but am on a waiting list for more CBT as I can't afford any private therapy)

Listen to hypnotherapy, the Calm app and relaxation every day

Get out in nature every day with my dog

Trying to keep a positive frame of mind which in all honesty I fail at every day (maybe I am just a natural pessimist?)

Trying to find a hobby that my wandering adhd mind will stick with but again I am finding that difficult.

Can anyone recommend anything that may help me whilst I navigate this more bumpy part of life? I am trying to make a big list of things which I can try and tick off to see what helps and what doesn't. I suffer from so much anguish and anxiety fretting over everyone in my life. I hate having a parent with dementia as it takes over my life, the worry more than anything because we now have good carers in for mum but I never stop feeling so so sad for her, it really takes a lot of my brain space.

I don't have much money these days so I can't afford private therapy or even going out much as I only work very part time due to my health issues and needing to help my parents out a lot.

Any recommendations would be much appreciated. I feel so low watching my friends having fun and enjoyable lives (yes, I now, comparison is the thief of joy and all that). I need to put strategies in place so I can also achieve a happier life.

What helped you?

Agree with this! Singing is an evidence-based therapy, which is known to release the 'feel good' chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin.
Singing reduces the stress hormone cortisol, and has been shown to elevate mood and take away symptoms of depression and anxiety, which releases emotional tension. It's good for your entire body, not to mention the community connection that you get from singing in a group.
My cousin has been in a choir for years and it has helped her so much, she says she doesn't feel stressed or anxious at all anymore. You've done so much of what is recommended OP, why not try this? Good luck with trying the many other suggestions on here.

OP, I've felt this way.

I suggest keeping a journal. I used it in so many ways:

• letting off steam - just write it all out, so fast it's illegible.

• gratitude journalling. This is not about forcing yourself to feel grateful when you don't. It is about balancing and grounding your focus. I'd have a really lousy day and let off steam, but then circle back and remind myself that although the day was awful, DS had given me a huge hug, or the birdsong at dawn was beautiful. It's not meant to force fake cheer but just to create a chink of light that says, 'there was also this and it was good'

• List what you did that day on days you feel really stuck. Some days I felt like I'd achieved nothing. But if I listed everything, I realised I'd cared for DC, animals, home, earned some money, replied to emails, lent something to a neighbour etc. It reminded me I was connected and contributing in the world. And it helped me see that I was taking care of myself and trying my best if I was taking vitamins, having a walk or meditating. Even if it felt like it wasn;t helping, the fact I made an effort was reassuring.

• focus on specific things you're down about to keep a sense of perspective. I remember feeling like the world was against me so I kept a note in the back of the journal of all the nice things other people did for me. Strangers had opened doors, helped with luggage, complimented clothes, shop assistants had given me free flowers and chocolate in the supermarket, a friend had offered me tickets to the theatre, another had dropped off allotment produce, I had some amazing books free from the help-yourself shelf at the train station. This helped me recalibrate when I felt life was all take and no give.

• Life list. Make a list of things you've always wanted to do. They don;t have to be really big and expensive. Do the easy ones and start prepping for the harder ones.

• Create projects. The best one is try something new everyday and keep a brief journal record of it. Can be small and ordinary - new coffee, soap, route to work, music on spotify. Medium and a bit challenging: new exercise regime or mini uni course (both free online). Or genuinely life changing: new job, qualification, hobby etc. Could be something easy from a Life List (visit local attraction you've meant to visit for ages, watch a film or read a book you've meant to see/read for years.)

• Another great project is to plan:
• something tiny to look forward to each day (favourite TV programme, coffee with a friend; long bath etc)
• Something small to look forward to each week: favourite exercise class or hobby meet up; lunch with people you like; a day out.
• Something medium each month - a gig, theatre show, sport event, weekend away or home project
• something big each season - a holiday, a Life List gig by a favourite musician or comedian, redecorating a room at home etc
• A major milestone in life each year - passing exams, reaching goal weight, moving house or upgrading job. This means there's always something nice each day to recall, something in the calendar to look forward to and something that makes you feel life isn't in a rut at the end of the year.

Also, if I had a prescription pad, after the stresses you have endured, OP, I would prescribe you three treats a day, minimum. To enjoy a treat you have to focus on it.

So much of what you described in your first post was my life at the time I burned out: bereavement, elderly parent with dementia, ND child with exhausting and complex issues, ADHD diagnosis for me, alongside the usual work stress. I sort of forgot how to enjoy life.

Watch a comedy you love once a day, for half an hour - either a bit of a favourite stand up's live show (lots on internet for free) or an episode of a favourite series.

Play a piece of really uplifting music - every day - calming piano or choral, or stuff you loved in your teens, or that makes you dance aorund the kitchen.

Something self-care based: home- manicure, home-pedicure, face mask, leg or foot massage.

Feel-good food treats - I love fresh coffee with frothy milk. Made at home in a cafetiere, frothing the milk with a hand whisk. A few pence, but it feels so nice. Take it outside and just sit and breathe.

You don't have to feel amazing during or after a treat, you just have to focus on it.

Trying to find a hobby that my wandering adhd mind will stick with but again I am finding that difficult.

This is where the 'try something new every day' project works so well for ADHD people. I used to berate myself for not sticking with things. Withe the 'new thing every day' plan, you don't have to. Instead of having a go at myself - 'Why didn't you stick at Zumba?' I could write: 'Tried Zumba. Hated it!' One class. Never returned. That was an achievement not a failure.

Some things I realised I did love and I stuck with them. But only by trying lots of different things.

I deleted instagram, Facebook and TikTok. It took a long time for me to get used to it but the brain space it's freed up has been wonderful! I do still spend too much time on Mumsnet though.

I feel isolated at times too as I moved to Scotland and left all my friends and family down south. Message me if you want an online friend!

My DH died less than a week ago. A quote from Queensland Ambulance Service is helping me: keep calm, adapt, don't freak out.

You are right there, my friend is such a happy go lucky optimist but she never watches the news or reads papers, she doesn’t really have a clue what is going on in the world and she isn’t on sm.

I need to write a gratitude journal every day, that may help.

Last year I did a course of ACT via my hospital for my chronic health issues, I do try hard to pray what I was thought but it’s hard sometimes.

That’s lovely and reminds me of when I was younger, my dad used to slice up a Mars bar and pop it in little glass tumblers for us kids and it felt so decadent for some reason.

It is often the small things which give the greatest pleasure, I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Oh and I currently have a lovely bunch of Sweet Williams on my table which only cost £2 from Aldi and they have lasted two weeks so far and are still looking so pretty.

I love creative stuff more than anything tbh, I really have let that fall by the wayside over the years, I used to do so many arty and crafty things and still follow so many on sm, I need to stop watching and start doing.

Look into mindful art; or get those colouring books for adults. They can be just as absorbing and satisfying as art from scratch, but easier to just pop in to. Also maybe try a ‘happy’ playlist? I put all my absolute all-time favourites, ones that always hit that button of making me sing along and dance, be silly or smile with good memories. It’s just there, waiting for me and when I feel low I put that on in defiance, and it always seems to work x

You sound amazing and are doing so much to support yourself.

This may not help at all so feel free to ignore but I have found learning about saints strangely uplifting. I can be very hard on myself and it is great learning about how bloody-minded, difficult and weird some of them were - as well as being immensely humbling, inspiring reassuring. There are lots of good accounts on Instagram.

I like knitting as a hobby, I am not particularly good at it but it holds my attention enough to keep focus, but I can still listen to an audiobook. I do it for its own sake and don’t make much or judge my progress really. I have other hobbies but I feel the benefit of doing something and not expecting too much, if that makes sense.

It may not be possible due to your health but weightlifting and CrossFit are doing miracles for my mental health and confidence. Cold showers are also oddly helpful.

I haven’t been through half the stress you have but have longstanding MH issues and find life a struggle at times. Lots of good suggestions on this thread, and I totally agree you should TREAT YOURSELF and give yourself as much love and care as you possibly can.

Thank you so much, I’m sorry your mum isn’t well either. It really is a constant bereavement, I totally get that.

I sympathise OP as I am also managing an ailing parent and have a rather ADD brain. When I am stressed I feel that I have no time and fritter any I have free away with my phone etc. DS1 has sent me a book that is called something like 365 days of art which might suit you too

Thank you, that’s so very helpful.

Sorry to hear about all that you are going through. It's only natural that you feel ground down.

How about doing some playful, childlike or even silly things to inject a bit of simple joy into life? Go on the swings, lie in the grass and see what shapes you can see in the clouds, make a sculpture out of twigs and mud, take a bus to somewhere and get off after x number of stops and explore, dress as if you were someone completely different, do a barefoot walk ... whatever takes your fancy...

I’m sorry you feel isolated atm, that must be tough. I will message you, thank you ☺️

Oh yes, I have a lovely playlist on my Alexa called ‘Happy tunes’ with all of my feel good songs on, I love music.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way . I know what it feels like as I've had remarkably similar issues. I don't know if this will help you but what helped me was some talking therapy. I think it made me realise just how much I've been through in the last few years and to force myself to take Steps to care for myself better.

i took two weeks and did the minimal amount of everything I could get away with. In bed or ready y 10pm. Lots of sleep. Decent food. Exercise and a short holiday. Literally let myself heal.

ive feel a lot better the last few weeks. Before I just felt burnt out on the verge of collapse.

its so hard when consecutive things keep happening that on their own would probably have been manageable . Really tough. Good luck.

Things that helped me

1. CBT (changed my life)
2. meeting up with a friend st least once a week
3. getting a cinema pass and this has become my happy place
4. going on dates with myself
5. swimming,aqua aerobics, t’ai chi, costal walks (it varies which one I’m most into
6. more recently, solo travel once a year
7. also recently, coming to terms with the fact that this is my one life and if I spend all of it looking after others it’s going to slip by so I’ve been finding time for myself .

I think the above suggestions are really useful but quite lonely. I think you also need some fun and friends and an hour or two of having a laugh. Me and three other friends go to each other’s houses every month to play Uno. Two of us drink and take wine, the other doesn’t and has pop, it’s fine. We end up laughing ourselves daft, sharing our news and supporting each other and it’s lovely. And cheap.

There are loads of things that you already do and loads of good advice here.
Do you have a good silly friend or sibling? I meet with my sibling every few months, just on our own, we talk shit, walk, go to the pub. No focus on anything that's a downer, just silliness, phones off. I find it really resets things.
My second one is to really reward yourself for being so great. You're really doing a good job of looking after yourself even when you don't want to and probably also doing loads of other great things. Give yourself a sticker every time you deserve one. I do this and put it in my diary for work things (my biggest challenge)
The third is rest. You've had a hard time for years. Whenever you can have a rest and need one, do it. Have a nap, put your feet up etc.
Hope you feel better soon xxx

I'd ask your GP to check your iron levels. If your ferritin is under 100 and/or transferrin saturation is under 20% then iron supplements might help. Low iron is one common cause of ADHD symptoms and from what I know of of stimulant meds, they might increase iron need, hence causing negative side effects.

If you want to find out more, the Iron Protocol group on Facebook has guides in their files which tell you everything you need to know about improving your iron levels. It's the world's biggest iron deficiency patient advocacy group and its owner created it when she stopped needing ADHD meds when she fixed her iron deficiency.

https://facebook.com/groups/theironprotocol/

I’ve had recent bloods taken and all is ok on that front, thankfully.

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I’ve made a list of things to try and I will try and give them all a go and see which ones give me the most joy.

Just to say, I know company from others is very important and it may be that I am just a little too overwhelmed right now from caring for mum and my health issues but I just don’t feel comfortable around others, I have no idea why, I actually find it draining, always have. I’m not a miserable loner or anything (I live with my lovely dh and dc) and I promise that I am friendly and nice but I’ve always needed a rest after being around people. Makes no sense at all, I know. I hate feeling that way as I know being in company of others is said to be great for brain development and especially to ward off depression and dementia but I genuinely prefer quiet, nature and gentle stuff. I do have friends (and a lovely dsis) but I prefer to chat on the phone or short meet ups as my health issues are unpredictable I often have to let people down at last minute situations so prefer not to make plans, if not I end up feeling guilty.

But, I will definitely look into arts and crafts stuff and just enjoying and focusing on the good things that I already have in my life.