Has a shouting parent affected you, especially if they may be neurodiverse?

[OnarealhorseIride]

If you have grown up with a parent who was prone to shouting and would occasionally be absolutly furious at what you can now see as an adult yourself as being rather small things, has this affected you? If you suspect now that your parent is probably neurodiverse can you excuse the anger?

Yes, I grew up with one. It makes me extremely anxious around people as I’m always worried that they’re going to start shouting. I also never wanted to be a shouty person so I internalise a lot of anger/hurt which is not great. I don’t suspect that my mum (who was the shouty one) was ND though. She just has a temper.

I can see why DF lost his shizzle over small things yes. He is neurodiverse, undoubtedly. As am I, my sister and both my children.
Him roaring at me & Dsis with his face so close that his spit would fly out & land our cheeks when he were all of 7 & 3 respectively, unfortunately has not done us any favours. At all. We are now trying to reparent ourselves at 44 & 40.
However, yes I can excuse the anger but not the way he handled it.

It’s worth bearing in mind that a ND parents is more likely to have a ND child. RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder) is common in ND children so they’re likely to be more effected that an a NT child.

My dad shouted quite a bit but isn't ND and now is a lot calmer. I remember my GF as calm but dad and aunts say he mellowed a lot in his later years. Maybe stress of work for both of them.
Now I get on much better with my dad than my mum and she can be horrible in much quieter ways. I took away from this that the odd raised voice was not harmful but consistently assuming the worst possible interpretation of everything (my mum) is worse for you kids.

I had one parent who was very shouty and it was horrible. I had a relatively good childhood but I do have absolutely awful memories of all the shouting. I don’t ever ever shout at my kids and never would. I think it’s lazy crappy parenting. That parent is ND so am I.

FreshDoughDaily
it is difficult to separate what could be loosing one’s temper and having some sort of meltdown.

My mum shouted a lot when I was growing up. Partly because she had a temper, partly due to losing my twin sister. I'm now 57 and if someone shouts at me i find myself flinching

My DM was volatile and shouted a lot. It definitely has affected me. I think she may possibly be slightly ND and she definitely has some unresolved trauma from childhood. She has got a lot mellower with age and reduction in stress. She is essentially a kind, generous and caring person but had a hair-trigger temper. I have had a lot of therapy, for various reasons!

Yes my DM shouted and screamed at me over seemingly trivial things when I was a child (and tbh it has continued as an adult, although slightly less now she's pushing 80). I strongly suspect she is ND. I try hard not to parent as she did but sometimes I find myself questioning myself when I snap at my kids- does it seem to them as terrifying and upsetting as I used to find her?

Junejunejune
that is interesting. Guess in that scenario would be harder to excuse the shouting etc as the reaction to it is bigger then.

Yes I did and yes suspect he was. I’m no contact at now. I do understand it to a point but even in my forties my dad could make me feel the same way I did as a scared child. It’s affected me in other ways and I just can’t be around someone who makes me feel that way. The damage is done and no amount of understanding changes the impact it had unfortunately

Wow @drspouse "consistently assuming the worst possible interpretation of everything"- this is exactly how I feel my mother behaved with me but I've never seen anyone else express it. Sorry. It is very difficult to deal with.

And yes to drspouse the assuming the worst is so so damaging but as pp has said, nog heard this described before

It has affected me, and I don't think I ever forgave him. He could well have been neurodiverse to some extent, but I'm not sure what the significance would be of focusing on this (even if it were the cause of his abusive behaviour, which it might not have been). He was himself, not a developmental condition, and he was responsible for his actions.

Everyone who behaves abusively to a family member does so under the influence of whatever cluster of neurological, psychological and environmental factors have shaped them (trauma, addiction, obsessionality, narcissistic personality disorder, etc, etc.)

Unless they are quite severely disabled, we still hold them accountable

I'm not sure you can distinguish those two things clearly. Everyone who loses their temper does so as a result of some set of external stressors and internal susceptibilities. We tend to use the term meltdown in relation to ND, but does that necessarily make meltdowns relevantly different fro other losses of temper - say, losses of temper that arise from PTSD?

Same

Mythreewords i think of this in regard to forgiving and understanding. The damage done I think is the same regardless

Quake in my boots if someone raises their voice.
people pleaser to the extreme.

No ND, just a right pair of cunts who should never have had children.

I think they are different things. A “meltdown” is, in my eyes, a complete loss of control due to an overwhelmed nervous system. The person is not choosing to act in that moment, they are literally out of control. Whereas someone who has a bad temper is usually aware of and in control of their actions. I say that as someone who is ND and has a bad temper

I'm talking about someone else not me but I know someone who grew up in a household like this, still feels the results as an adult, and now as a parent themselves and feels a lot of anger towards their other parent for not removing them from the situation.

It really is so hard to deal with.
From holding my friend's mum's hand aged 8 (you must have rejected me) to not being able to answer the phone quick enough today (mine was on silent as it was 8.30 am and we'd been up before 7 with DS being unwell, but then she got through to DH only she couldn't hear us "will she EVER answer her phone, obviously she's MUCH too busy").
I have to go and see her in hospital tomorrow. I am dreading it. She's been in for a couple of weeks and my DB has been visiting and I know he realises my life is a bit more complicated than his but I don't think he realises how difficult I find her and how horrible she's been to me.

I grew up with a flinch, and still have it age 50. My parents are not ND, they were just angry and violent. I’m still scared of people if I’m honest.

My exH grew up with a shouty father and became a very shouty person himself. Just before I ended the marriage he threw an absolute tantrum at DS for failing the driving test. DS gave up on driving after that so it had a very real world effect on DS.

My own father was a very softly spoken man and exH's shouting didn't intimidate me but it definitely did affect out older children. I know I stayed in the marriage way too long and I've encouraged the kids to talk about what happened and one has had counselling.

I really hope the cycle of shouting and verbal abuse is broken. I know some of exH's siblings went for counselling after I ended my marriage. I think that someone finally saying the behaviour was wrong had repercussions for their family as well as for my own kids.

Shouting didn't bother me but i struggle seeing violence as an adult after witnessing it as a child.

My dad was shouty and I am certain is ND. (My mum was no help and has never stood up to him - so he went unchecked until I became an adult).

I have almost certainly AuDHD. I am emphatic, emotionally attuned to the point of exhaustion, rubbish at standing up for myself, anxious around conflict but interestingly at one school I was always involved with angry parents because I was so good with them. Even when there was no real reason for me to be in the meeting.

And now, my job is all about delivering bad news and trying to keep working with upset people, somewhat productively. I am a good listener and good at looking at creative ways forward- probably from years of trying to not displease and appease my dad.