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Has a shouting parent affected you, especially if they may be neurodiverse?

33 replies

OnarealhorseIride · 21/06/2026 19:24

If you have grown up with a parent who was prone to shouting and would occasionally be absolutly furious at what you can now see as an adult yourself as being rather small things, has this affected you? If you suspect now that your parent is probably neurodiverse can you excuse the anger?

OP posts:
Sweetbeansandmochi · 21/06/2026 23:36

Oh and my husband says I am too soft on my children but I think I have been clear on boundaries and emphasized talking. I refused to have any smacking and am very upset by any yelling - I think strongly that children and me have the right to live in house free from violence, shouting or name calling.

EllaPaella · 21/06/2026 23:40

Both my parents were ‘shouters’.
I’ve struggled with people pleasing and anxiety my whole life and avoided confrontation at all costs.
I have worked very hard as a parent and have had a lot of therapy to ensure I don’t become the shouty parent myself and to overcome a lot of the anxiety it caused me.
I don’t blame my parents - they will have come from the same upbringing. And they chilled out a lot as they got older and have been amazing, non shouty grandparents.

WaitingForMojo · 21/06/2026 23:45

MyThreeWords · 21/06/2026 19:54

I'm not sure you can distinguish those two things clearly. Everyone who loses their temper does so as a result of some set of external stressors and internal susceptibilities. We tend to use the term meltdown in relation to ND, but does that necessarily make meltdowns relevantly different fro other losses of temper - say, losses of temper that arise from PTSD?

They are different things. A meltdown is a neurological event, in which the brain isn’t operating in the same way and higher order thinking and reason are inaccessible to the person.

However, I guess it can be hard to differentiate as an observer.

i grew up with an angry shouty parent, not ND in the way you mean here but had a brain injury, which technically is neurodivergence. Also an alcoholic. Volatile and unpredictable. That parent has died now but I never felt safe or comfortable around them, and it directly caused a lot of psychological issues in myself and my sibling.

My other parent, I think is likely autistic, although I think they themselves would disagree. I am diagnosed AuDHD, all my dc autistic and all but one ADHD. So strong genetic element.

I have understood this parent’s behaviour differently since seeing it through an ND lens. They were a generally loving parent who would on occasion lash out verbally and physically, completely lose it. With hindsight, I think probably meltdown due to overload. Reached a point where they melted down and completely lost it.

I can understand it in relation to my own experience of meltdown. Which is that if i don’t pace input, or if I’m not left alone to regulate when needed, I will inevitably lose the plot and be completely unable to control it. Knowing I am ND, and knowing what I need, has allowed me to avoid it. It’s vanishingly rare for me to get to that point, but I live a life that allows me not to. My parent wouldn’t have had that understanding and possibly not had that luxury. I know that they tried hard and loved us.

Not sure whether this goes any way to answering your question, OP, but it’s my experience.

Snugglemonkey · 21/06/2026 23:58

friendlytotheend · 21/06/2026 23:04

I grew up with a flinch, and still have it age 50. My parents are not ND, they were just angry and violent. I’m still scared of people if I’m honest.

I am so sorry that this is your formative experience of people. Perhatrauma therapy might help reframe that for you? You deserve better!

MoreElderlyParentWoes · 21/06/2026 23:58

“Everyone who behaves abusively to a family member does so under the influence of whatever cluster of neurological, psychological and environmental factors have shaped them (trauma, addiction, obsessionality, narcissistic personality disorder, etc, etc.)

Unless they are quite severely disabled, we still hold them accountable.”

This really resonates with me.

My parents were shouters, at each other and at me. It shaped me.

I suspect my mother had narcissistic personality disorder - everything I read about narcissistic mothers and especially how they behave towards daughters rings horribly true - but I still hold her accountable.

airportfloor · 22/06/2026 00:11

I grew up in a very shouty environment. Not ND. It was east end london working class where everyone shouted, was normal.

I used to get hit by my parents' friends! Sworn at and shouted at.

Im middle class now and the culture is so different but when pushed i find it very easy to go back to being shouty. I try not to ofc. Hate the memories of it.

duckfordinner · 22/06/2026 08:03

My father was an extremely volatile alcoholic. He used to beat my mum and shout at me and my brother almost on a daily basis. It has definitely shaped me. I was almost mute as a child. I’m very confident as an adult but I actively control my environment and avoid shouty aggressive or potentially problematic people.

Thundertoast · 22/06/2026 08:17

Yes, one shouty probably ND parent and I am probably ND. Parent had fixed view of parenting and that involved shouting. Didn't matter that we were well behaved, smart kids that everyone else could talk to just fine when issues arose, this parent shouted. Their moods hung over my childhood.
Eternal people pleaser and it really fucked up my relationships. I didnt end up with shouters, because they never had to, I made myself so small to avoid conflict they walked all over me. I have had to learn that its okay and normal to feel anger sometimes.

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