How do people pleasers start putting themselves first without guilt?

[Femalefootyfan1]

After a many years and some much more recent situations where I’ve realised that I’m putting other people’s needs before my own, I googled ‘ people pleaser’ and realised that the description is pretty much me.
I’ve tentatively started to put my own feelings first but I do feel a lot of guilt by doing so and have received pushback from those people who I haven’t put before me. I’m in my early 60’s so have had a long lifetime of being last on my list and of course, that has created expectations and assumptions from others, which I’m just realising is selfish of them.
For those who are people pleasers, how do you start putting yourself first more often? I don’t mean all the time, but just enough that you can still be available to help others but rather strike a good balance between helping others and helping yourself. It seems such a daunting thing to do but I’m realising I’m doing myself more harm than good and that I need some help to get more of a balance but to also not feel guilty.

I always think this is easier with examples OP.

have you got a few examples you can share?

I’m in my early 60’s so have had a long lifetime of being last on my list and of course, that has created expectations and assumptions from others, which I’m just realising is selfish of them

It's not selfish of them, it's the expectations and assumptions that have been created by you putting yourself last. So gently start charging those expectations.

Think of the words others said to you when they were unable/unwilling to do things, phrases like "Sorry, I'm busy then" or "I would if I could but it's not possible" or "Not for me, I'm afraid". All perfectly acceptable, so start using them yourself. Practice with little things to begin, then work them into your everyday life as part of who you are.

Jefferson Fisher (FB or Youtube) is really good at finding the right words for every occasion!

I don't think you can change the pattern of a lifetime without some emotional discomfort. I think you need to accept that you're going to feel (unwarranted) guilt during this period of transition. That's fine, it's just a feeling and it will pass.

Either talk to a friend/relative who hasn't used you unfairly in the past and has your best interests at heart, or post here on this thread to get a "sense check" on the new choices you're making. You probably will need help and reassurance to identify what is a reasonable request from others and what is downright cheeky and entitled

You don’t do it without guilt. It’s about learning to feel the guilt, process why you’re feeling it, reassure yourself that you matter and let the guilt go.

Don't wait until you don't feel guilty. Put yourself first, feel the guilt and know it won't destroy you.
So it's not about removing guilt, it's about becoming comfortable with a bit of discomfort, stretching your capacity.

You can think about whether it’s actually guilt or is is a) you don’t want to deal with someone else’s feelings b) you want to appear as a “good person” c) you want the other person to like you.

People pleasing can be a form of selfishness.

Good people who care about you don’t want you to be pressured into things you don’t want to or can’t do so if you’re not honest with them you are putting them in a bad position.

If someone asks you to do something on a certain date always say you'll have to check your calendar first and let them know. Then if you think they are taking advantage of you just say that you're busy that day.

I agree that it would be easier to help if you gave examples and who you are trying to please

Practise by doing small things for yourself that don’t affect anyone else - buying yourself flowers, making yourself a coffee and sitting down to enjoy it., etc. Stop periodically and ask yourself what you feel like/what you need in this moment, and really consider the answer.

Once you get used to being treated well, it changes your expectations subtly and you start to experience more resistance when you instinctively doormat yourself.

usually its if you want me to do x then ill need help with x or ill charge x etc then if they truly need my help then they would do their part etc yes many times i help some because i previouly needed assistance etc but its the people that only make the effort when they want something that im iffy about helping

I’d rather not give examples as I don’t want to be outing, sorry. I’ve started to type a few examples but when I’ve read them back, they could’ve been outing. Let’s just say they involve family members.
I feel guilt if I would prefer not to do something so I find myself agreeing then moaning about it. DH can’t understand it however much I try to explain so that doesn’t help. Maybe I have a bit of a DH problem too.

Yes this. Try to unpack what is at the root of the people pleasing. Fear of conflict? Wanting to manage how people react to you? Were you brought up with expectations about behaving a certain way? What would the consequences be of not doing so?

This is exactly why people pleasing is a flaw - not an attribute. It’s basically passive aggressive and it leaves others confused because internally your contempt and resentment grows and that means you are not authentic and honest in your relationships.

Its a significant shift for you but beautiful on the other side - and your friends and family will respect you more.

Try out ‘No, that doesn’t work for me’ - never JADE your decisions - no need to twist yourself up with Justification, Arguing, Defending or Explaining - just that simple sentence.

And then sit with the discomfort of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - these are always the wrong reasons to do something. Allow the feeling to pass through you and be aware of the discomfort. It will pass.

Dont pile all the blame on to others - take responsibility for yourself and your previously poor boundaries that you chose to avoid conflict. Decide for your self that you are stating a preference. It’s much more important that you are straight talking rather than talking about people behind their backs.

If it’s family and some long held commitment it will need a simple conversation to say you are no longer available etc.

Is it to do with elderly care of parents?

Do you recognise that people-pleasing is not a good thing and it doesn't make you a "nice person"? I think if you can accept that, you will find the shift easier. It is a personal flaw that you need to work on. But any personal change is hard, so it will feel strange and unpleasant for a while until you get used to it, and you will get kick back from those who expect you to do what they want. Relationships will change, but that isn't always just negative. For those who you have been people-pleasing at the expense of, your relationship may well improve.

You are a "people" too.

Are you pleased? Why not?

Your husband is also a "people" - is he pleased when you moan to him about the things that you are only doing because you think it pleases other people?

This

Exactly this - you do it by feeling the guilt and sitting with the guilt rather than doing the people pleasing/fawning thing to get rid of the guilty feeling. I find the phrase feelings aren't facts a helpful one.

It's about valuing yourself, reminding yourself that your own time is valuable to you and that your needs/wants are just as valid as anyone else's.

See it as their problem, not yours. If they don't like it, tough - they are allowed to feel upset, they are allowed to feel angry, they are allowed to feel sad or disappointed.

They are allowed their own feelings. But so are you!

If you absolutely must feel guilt, then just say to yourself 'I'm allowed to feel guilty'.

Well there you go - you're people-pleasing again by saying you'd rather not give examples because it could be outing. How could it be? No-one knows you or your family members here. Just give a general example.

Just keep doing it. It gets easier with practice! If you feel guilty creeping in, remind yourself that it's not your job to make sure everyone else is happy all the time - as mothers, wives and daughters we take this on ourselves too much. If family members are being demanding, ask yourself when was the last time they put YOU first?

I’ve always been a people pleaser. When I turned 50, which coincided with my dear mum having a terminal diagnosis, I just woke up one day and thought fuck that no more.

It certainly ruffled a few (family) feathers but my goodness it was empowering.

Never looked back, except for a moment of fleeting short-lived guilt. Please just put yourself first for once.

Very little is that outing saying they demand you to take them to Waitrose when you wanted to go to bell-ringers practice at Canterbury cathedral could be outing. Saying they decide last minute they would like you to take them to a garden centre for coffee but you had a hair appointment and then you rearranged it but DH was fed up when you moaned is not remotely outing. When you should have just aid I'm not free we can go on Thursday afternoon instead if they persist why can't we go on Tuesday morning you just say it doesn't work for me if they persist you repeat otherwise they will come up with solutions like you can rearrange your hair can wait another week. In fact it's perfectly ok to say no just because you don't want to.
It is a different thing if they have an emergency medical issue and a cancellation comes up and you are available to take them it's still not an obligation but it's different to them wanting you to run them to the butchers or asking you do their shopping but wanting different things from 4 different supermarkets
Your DH not wanting to listen to you ranting about a self inflicted problem is not a DH problem it's a you problem

Well maybe your DH thinks you’re an adult who says what they mean and does what they say.

When this happens you are basically saying “I wasn’t honest with this person and now I’m complaining about them to you”.

Here’s an example of my people pleasing. Once I agreed to go to feed a friends cat but due to the logistics of that day it involved me driving for a hour. When my friends learnt of this they felt really bad and said if they had known they would have just asked someone else.

If I had started complaining about them and making them look bad because I didn’t say no, the bad guy in this situation is me.

Agree 100%.

People-pleasing is an unpleasant and dishonest personality trait. Tell yourself
that you want to be a nicer person with more honest relationships that are mutual, respectful and reciprocal and ‘shifting gears’ is required and it may be a bit uncomfortable.

Be aware of your urge to people please.
Accept that it is necessary to do / say something uncomfortable for the greater good of your relationships and learn to tolerate the uncertainty of new behaviours and reactions but use your own agency to get through the transient discomfort so that you are a better person to yourself and others.

My mum was a people pleaser and it resulted in her becoming involved in things she didn’t want to often at the expense of her and our (as kids) happiness. We would end up having to go to places and see people or be involved in stuff that none of us wanted to do just because my mum couldn’t say no, she would also be stressed leading up to it which impacted on us kids.