How do people pleasers start putting themselves first without guilt?

[Femalefootyfan1]

After a many years and some much more recent situations where I’ve realised that I’m putting other people’s needs before my own, I googled ‘ people pleaser’ and realised that the description is pretty much me.
I’ve tentatively started to put my own feelings first but I do feel a lot of guilt by doing so and have received pushback from those people who I haven’t put before me. I’m in my early 60’s so have had a long lifetime of being last on my list and of course, that has created expectations and assumptions from others, which I’m just realising is selfish of them.
For those who are people pleasers, how do you start putting yourself first more often? I don’t mean all the time, but just enough that you can still be available to help others but rather strike a good balance between helping others and helping yourself. It seems such a daunting thing to do but I’m realising I’m doing myself more harm than good and that I need some help to get more of a balance but to also not feel guilty.

Ok, so let's assume that you happily provide weekly "dogsitting" for your "son". You take the dog to a socialisation class at the local church hall in the morning, it's lovely, you chat to the other dog owners, have a cuppa and a biscuit. Sing a song or two at the end. The dogs join in with the actions. Then you head back to your son's house. Make dinner for you and the dog. Put the dog down for a nap, then hoover the downstairs, do the washing up from breakfast and lunch, wipe down the kitchen and crack on with a bit of ironing. Then around 3pm you wake the dog and spend the afternoon playing with fetch and teaching the dog tricks.

But your son asks for additional dogsitting whenever he wants to have a night out. He only ever asks you and that's a habit you'd like to break.

The best thing to do is have an honest conversation with your "son". Tell him your love his "dog" and enjoy the opportunity to develop a close relationship with him. But sometimes you will need to say no to additional requests because the timing doesn't work for you or you're just not feeling up to looking after an energetic dog that day. Ask him to think about extending his network of dogsitters so that he doesn't miss out on his nights out. Give him a timeframe to plan in before you withdraw from this habit

That is much better, more honest, and straightforward than something more passive and without explanation that you sound like you have in mind. If you're not upfront and clear about what you want, people will fill in the gaps with their own imaginings... Things like "oooh mum doesn't like how I discipline my dog so she's stopped helping so much" etc which aren't your truth at all. It just causes family issues and resentment. Be straightforward instead

You will feel guilt. That’s your programming. You have to allow the guilt to keep you company. And nurture yourself through it.

There’s an idea that the people pleasing was what you did to keep yourself safe and accepted. The price of doing it was worth it once, but maybe not any more. You’ll be in two places probably. Rationally understanding that you don’t want to people please and realising it just makes me frustrated and unhappy when you go against what you want to do.

But in those moments when someone asks your for something, you’ll also feel the tension. The other person waiting for you to do what they want. The tension will rise and you’ll want to do what you normally do to resolve that, which is to say yes

So for while you need to allow that pull and push whilst you learn something new. You’ll likely believe something bad will happen when you don’t say yes - but you might be surprised when people just cope with your new response.

Look up the Drama triangle. Chose to stop ‘rescuing people’

@itisgreen and @Losingtheplot2016

You are both spot on, thank you.

When I encounter a 'people pleaser' the last thing I feel is pleased. They seem to be putting their own wish to appear helpful and obliging before my wish to be treated honestly. I find it quite demeaning as if they think I'm not capable of accepting their honest reply. I also feel as if I'm being manipulated into not asking them for help because they will not give me an honest response.

So I agree with PP; it's not the askers who are being selfish, it's the person who will not simply give a straightforward response to a request.

We all need to ask for help sometimes and it's so much easier if you can rely on anyone to say if your request is too much for them and you can move on to someone else. It's bad enough to be in a situation where you need help without also being aware that the person who agreed to help is actually resenting you and the help. And the resentment always becomes apparent.

I think that it’s important to try to be considerate in how to respond without potentially causing conflict or hurting someone else’s feelings.
What I’m now learning is that I can say no in a kind way to avoid hurting the person who’s asking and to lessen the guilt I feel. Surely that’s a ‘win’ for both sides? For me, it’s going to be a gradual change and it’s one I’ve started already. I hate confrontation of any kind and when it’s a close family member, it’s hard.
I realise I need to start being kinder to myself while still being kind to others. Being blunt isn’t my style and dressing up blunt as being honest is a different thing entirely. We can be honest but be kind in how we go about it.
Some of the responses on here have been really helpful so thanks for those.

I think you have to be conscious of not volunteering. Up until this year I was always the one offering to help and not offering is hard.

If you are asked for help either say yes and don't do it or say no outright. I've had both versions said to me.

I agree. I would be absolutely mortified if someone agreed to something for me but behind my back were bitching to their husband and holding resentment for me. I can easily take a ‘No I can’t do that for you’. And it’s standard to respond to any request with calmness and politeness - surely that’s a given. I think the internal irrational fear of conflict erupting at each interaction is not from that one specific request but from the internal resentment built up and held passive aggressively over previous favours by the people pleaser. Ask me how I know! It’s much nicer on the otherside