Can anyone relate? In a tricky part of therapeutic process

[Stuckandtired]

Grateful for any opinions/experiences of people who've had long term psychodynamic therapy - feel like it's a real 'if you know you know' kind of thing

Am currently 6 years in with same therapist. Highly recommended in their field, strong links with other organisations, clinical supervisor etc

Had some boundary issues last year (me, acting out, nothing major) and I sort of dropped out of it

I got back in touch asking for further sessions and he replied saying no

I replied asking for a final session with some additional context of what was going on for me at the time, apologising etc - feel like it's been 6 years, good to wrap things up. He just hasn't replied

I totally understand it's an ethical decision and he's in no way obligated to work with me, but I'm kind of baffled that a 6 year professional relationship doesn't warrant a reply, albeit a polite one. Bit stuck with this as in my professional role, I would always acknowledge to say 'thanks but it's still not possible' if I couldn't continue

TIA for any opinions/viewpoints!

Starting therapy usually involves a session setting out a blueprint including taking details from you, a discussion about confidentiality and also what happens if you or someone else are in danger. In that situation the therapist is allowed to break that clause eg if a child is in danger.
If the therapist never did this then he’s breaking the BACP code.

You seem very invested in getting people here to agree that this therapist is a terrible person. Why, then, are you so keen to see him again and why did you go to him for six years? If he is rude, non-communicative, unprofessional etc, why are you pushing him for another session? Have a think about why this boundary is so painful for you. It is a flat 'no' and you have to hear it. I am also sure that you do know what you did and you did have a contract. Check your emails for that time frame.

Can you do a timeline for us and describe what actually happened and what else was said besides no, how long it was between you leaving and making contact again etc?

if he’s a member of a professional body like BACP or UKCP then managing endings well will be part of his ethical framework.

But if you disappeared for months on end and weren’t his client it’s hard for him to then reconstruct with you to become his client to have an ending with you.

Also, if your ‘acting out’ was in any way abusive or unsafe he may have felt that he did not want to meet with you for his own safety.

There is a lot missing from your posts as - yes - on the surface a 6 year therapy relationship should of course ideally have a planned and managed ending.

But if your behaviour was so difficult it couldn’t happen then that will be why you never got one.

It just sounds like you dont like hearing no @Stuckandtired

I imagine that if you are a male therapist doing long term 1:1 psychodynamic therapy with female clients strict boundaries are a must. It feels to me like a lot of responses on this thread feeling he should be ‘caring’ would hugely risk inappropriate dependency in that kind of set up. He said he decided not to offer further sessions which is clear and he obviously decided not to enter into debate on the matter either which I would also say is his prerogative. I suspect he thinks if he does one more ‘closing’ session you might ask for more and more. It should ideally have been ended in a more planned way but that’s on you that you chose not to do that originally. I never ever think that 6 years of therapy does anything except promote dependency. I know there are theories but a striking lack of evidence of benefit. Don’t book more therapy. Why not just see if you can put what you have learnt into practice yourself and if you didn’t learn anything then why waste more money.

The ending was actually over 6 months ago (last year sometime) when you disappeared from therapy, as is your choice and right. How was he supposed to manage that? He respected your choice and moved on. Therapists don't chase clients if this happens.
He's replied once and said no. I suspect he's wary of you asking for more even if he did see you as you haven't accepted the first no. He may well also not have space.
Move on, chalk it up to experience, and find a different therapist if you want to.

I don't think he's a terrible person, and I don't think he's rude, non communicative or unprofessional - I posted here looking for viewpoints as I understand it's not my profession and I'm trying to work out my feelings around this/ what I've misunderstood.

Genuinely I do not and never had a contract, either online or in person. I have checked!

I feel I've covered what I 'did' for my part - dropped out, missed a payment etc. He might view it otherwise etc but I don't think any of those are particularly wild!

Yeah I totally understand he might have viewed/experienced it differently.

Timeline was I dropped out in Nov/Dec, got in touch in Feb.

I guess my acting out was being quiet in sessions, finding it hard to answer questions. No shouting/swearing or anything I would deem as abusive, other than my lack of communication which in any other relationship I would deem as a form of stonewalling, but I'm not sure that applies here, but maybe it does!

Ha no probably not. But I thought it was worth a shot as I did value his time, and really understand that mutually agreed endings in any service are helpful and more civilised. Not always the case though I agree.

Thank you. Yes I will reflect on this and I am interested in further therapy as it didn't feel quite finished

Yes I think these are all good points. I have no plans for being involved in longer term therapy again.

It's really sad and odd that he won't offer you a closing session at the very least. Psychoanalytic therapy puts a lot of emphasis on endings and honestly, what you've described as boundary crossing doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary in this sort of therapy. It happens often and part of the process would be him holding the space and withstanding some the aggression.

Of course if you don't pay him, he's not obligated to do that (though sounds like you were just late), and if you disappear he's not obligated to keep your slot but after 6 years, and with the acting out - which could be seen as a positive progression of the therapy - I do think it's unprofessional of him not to find an hour at the very least, to close off the last 6 years of work.

Sure, he can choose to see you or not but he sounds like a shit therapist if he won't see you at all after 6 years of work, and after some pretty standard acting out. Perhaps he's enacting something himself.

I'm sorry you've had this experience OP.