Can anyone relate? In a tricky part of therapeutic process

[Stuckandtired]

Grateful for any opinions/experiences of people who've had long term psychodynamic therapy - feel like it's a real 'if you know you know' kind of thing

Am currently 6 years in with same therapist. Highly recommended in their field, strong links with other organisations, clinical supervisor etc

Had some boundary issues last year (me, acting out, nothing major) and I sort of dropped out of it

I got back in touch asking for further sessions and he replied saying no

I replied asking for a final session with some additional context of what was going on for me at the time, apologising etc - feel like it's been 6 years, good to wrap things up. He just hasn't replied

I totally understand it's an ethical decision and he's in no way obligated to work with me, but I'm kind of baffled that a 6 year professional relationship doesn't warrant a reply, albeit a polite one. Bit stuck with this as in my professional role, I would always acknowledge to say 'thanks but it's still not possible' if I couldn't continue

TIA for any opinions/viewpoints!

Thank you. I appreciate the reply but I have genuinely found all of the responses helpful as I think part of me is carrying some shame around this ('even my therapist doesn't give a shit!) and the bolder comments are highlighting that for me

To be honest he chased me for payment pretty quickly, but has never chased up in a any other capacity, which is probably pretty telling isn't it.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I am a bit wounded and they are helping.

Yes, that is pretty shocking that he didn’t check to see how you are and to at least finish the therapeutic relationship properly.
Whether that is because he isn’t a professional, caring therapist or because of what happened in your last session, I guess he isn’t going to change his mind so it is good if these replies will help you move on in a more positive way.

I can’t relate because my therapists have all been kinder than this. Forget about him and get a better therapist if you feel you still need one.

Agree he has responded and further engagement with you may be seen as encouraging contact from his perspective. He has established the boundary so needs to enforce that now.

I know you are right but this just feels like such a brutal, childish perspective to have in relation to another human being.

I really don't understand why he can't put his adult pants on and send a courteous 'thanks but not possible'.

I don't think I'd treat anyone this way!

Thanks again for all your time today everyone.

He may just have a big ego or be a bit of a twat.

Obviously I don't know what happened between you, but it's possible that he felt he couldn't help you further and that more discussion was pointless. Also he might have felt hounded! You are being very persistent after being told no.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that OP’s being very persistent - if I’m reading it correctly she’s asked for two different things. Firstly to go back to routine sessions, which he’s said no to and there’s no reason to think she hasn’t accepted that. The follow up request seems to have been for one final “ending” session - some therapists would be fine with doing that even if they couldn’t / didn’t want to go back to regular sessions.

I think he’s rude not to have at least responded. If she went back a third time or tried to persuade him to change his mind then I’d think that started to become hounding him.

When he said no the first time, what was his actual wording and did he give any indication about why he was saying no?

Thank you, yes this captures what happened

To be honest he chased me for payment pretty quickly, but has never chased up in a any other capacity, which is probably pretty telling isn't it.

But why would he? He’s not a friend. He has probably learnt the hard way to chase payment quickly, as a small business owner.

I’m in the process of ending a long term psychodynamic counselling experience with 4 sessions to go and I just don’t really see anything wrong with what he has done. My therapist is extremely bland, I know almost nothing about them & they’re extremely formal in communication outside of therapy, so I could imagine mine not responding. I still respect them & trust them very much.

But I think your reaction is worth some reflection as to why it has annoyed you.

No, he just said he'd decided not to continue offering further sessions but didn't offer an explanation, which is far enough obviously, but again a bit weird after 6 years of intense work!

Thank you. Yes I totally appreciate this is my response to manage and process. He hasn't done anything wrong, but yeah I am disappointed.

I haven't found him to be particularly formal, but there is a disconnect between the care he showed in sessions and what I would consider to be basic politeness with even acquaintances, never mind a person I spent 6 years working with

Thanks again as ever all, lots of wise thoughts

Honestly, I think it's weirder that you assumed he'd be up for resuming seeing you after you'd just dropped out of contact last year. He'll have taken on someone else in your stead.

Yeah fair enough. I'm probably skewed in my perspective as in my line of work people drop out and back in again all the time, and as long as we are managing the books and taking due care it's not a big deal

How long has it been since your message? He may just be busy or on leave. I wouldn't necessarily class one forgotten late payment as boundary issues tbh, he is probably more annoyed about the vanishing with no communication.

I have an agreement with my therapist of 6 years that I will not just disappear. It's a bit different as I'm a suicide risk so it would worry him if I just dropped off the map. You may have given him a bit of a scare and he is angry. Or he may simply not have space anymore.

Not all therapists are good. I tried a few before I settled with mine and god knows I've tested him.

Thanks @Balloonhearts. It's been a couple of months since the message so it feels pretty intentional.

I think I'd let it go for a few weeks as I thought the same - could be on leave, could be family issues etc

I totally agree that the lack of communication is probably the deal breaker

Another therapists I've worked with have had a contract specifying notice given and required emergency contacts, but he didn't request any of this so he had no way to follow up iyswim

Totally my fault, and now I am feeling rather crappy about it all

Once again, thanks for the replies. I feel like only people who've had counselling/therapy would understand the confusion around it and the fact I won't get a wrap up session or be able to part on good terms has hit me very hard

It might not seem like that to him , that's all I am saying . Obviously this is only a guess. I hope you find a good way forward

Yeah I completely get your point.

I am very direct and persistent in how I communicate online requests (partially due to work) and unless it states 'unfortunately not/I can't provide that' I sort of view it as a discussion to see if an agreement can be reached. I agree though that can come across as overstepping even though I don't intend it to be that way

Thank you again for your thoughts xx

If he never asked you for an emergency contact then to be quite frank, he sounds unprofessional all round.
6 years is far too long to work with someone, even with this type of therapy.
I am sure he had his good points but you were also a regular source of income, and you’ve dropped off the map.
Therapists are very much in demand so he could be booked up, and while you had your issues, I do believe he could have been a bit more polite after 6 years.
My advice? Instead of one last session with him, find someone else who is more professional and give that a go. In fact your response to all this could be the first thing to work through. But think about it not going so long term next time.
Remember all therapists all human, and now and again, one or two of them can be, well, dickheads, too.

Looking through this OP, I think you could benefit from a different modality - something more relational. I found relational work has helped me so much and it hasn’t been what we’ve done that’s helped me most (although it has been very helpful) but the relationship with my therapist who has cared for and about me on a human level - though balancing very carefully with professional boundaries.
There really is no shame in you wanting a good ending to a 6 year relationship. It’s a natural thing to want. I suspect your therapist wasn’t that great in some aspects from what you’ve said. You shouldn’t feel confused by a therapy relationship.

I got the vibe feom the first post that you crossed a boundary in a different way .... and he is being a professional and not engaging

Thank you. It's possible I have done and not realised it but I don't think so

I've turned up on time for every session, paid on the same day (apart from that last one) and worked really hard. I've never called or messaged out of the blue

But yeah without having a contract I don't know if I crossed a line somewhere I was unaware of. It's definitely possible.

it is very unprofessional of him to leave you in this position of not knowing what you have done wrong if anything.

Thank you. I'm sure he has his reasons.
As other posters have pointed out, maybe there is something I didn't understand about this type of therapy that means his non engagement is part of the style...but it does seem weird!!