I am really sick of my husband needing constant instruction

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This is mainly for a vent.

Two small children. My H needs constant instruction and needs to be asked to do everything a million times, and then still won’t.

I do virtually everything for our two children. We both work. I do all the drop offs and pick ups, all the cooking, all the cleaning, and 98% of the tidying. I do absolutely all of the thinking, 100% of it. He will wilfully ignore washing up or something split, let’s say, and just assume I’ll do it. I’ll then have to tell him it needs doing. He doesn’t do it. I’ll ask him to do it. He doesn’t do it. I’ll ask him 5 more times to do it. He might eventually do it but might not.

As a recent experiment, the recycling goes here on a Monday. On Monday night I asked him to get the recycling boxes from the front garden and put them where they live. I shouldn’t need to ask him as surely he can see the boxes are out there just as well as I can, given that we both have eyes. It’s now Sunday evening, 6 days later, and they’re still sat out there.

But the main thing that sends me utterly insane is that he needs incessant direction when it comes to the kids. ‘Your daughter is talking to you, can you respond please?’ Or ‘he’s asking for juice, I’m still eating and you’ve finished, can you get it please?’ Out for a walk earlier, ‘he’s gone too far on the scooter, I’m pushing the buggy, can you call him back please?’ Basically if i don’t want to or can’t do it myself, he needs direct instruction to do it and will not just notice and do things without me asking him to.

I feel like I’m drowning from the sheer mental load. There’s no point telling me I shouldn’t have married him/had kids. Until they were born he was a model husband, claims to be feminist, supported my career, all of it the stuff they are ‘supposed’ to do.

I have had conversation upon conversation with him about how I can’t carry on like this. Just had the latest one this evening. There will be a temporary minor improvement and we’ll be straight back to normal in a week or so.

I’m not necessarily looking for solutions, I doubt there’s anything I haven’t already tried, and ultimately it’s not my shit to fix, as I’m not the one who needs constant direction and to be asked a million times to do a basic household task. This is just a vent really.

Ok, vent away.
going forward you might need a plan as this will eat you up. Assuming he is not an actual idiot, he’s therefore doing this because he’s lazy and selfish. You will need to work out given that what route will grant you and your kids most happiness.

Do you want to stay married to him? There doesn't seem to be any point to it.

When you tell him repeatedly that you can't carry on like this, what does that mean? You know he won't change, so proceed on that basis.

Until they were born he was a model husband, claims to be feminist, supported my career, all of it the stuff they are ‘supposed’ to do Men are rarely feminists. Not really. Not when it really comes down to it. They might claim to be, but it’s an easy thing to claim when nobody is expecting you to prove it.

So you tell him that since the children came along, he has reverted into a helpless child, so you want him to make a GP appointment because it has to be something neurological.

And when he protests and says there’s nothing wrong with him and that you’re just too demanding and you nag him about everything, (as he surely will), ask him if he feigns this level of incompetence at work? Or does he just save it all up for you? Ask him if he understands that you are losing all respect for him as a man. Ask him if he understands that you are starting to think of him as an incompetent child. And does he understand that women do not want to have sex with incompetent man babies? Tell him you are losing all sexual attraction for him and he is just another responsibility. And that’s all on him.

If he hears that and doesn’t begin to buck up his ideas straight away, I think you may need to begin accepting that this is the start of the end of your marriage.

I'm afraid this is cultural amongst British men and I'm not sure that we are going to be able to fix it.

I'm of the opinion that a lot of men being raised by single women see it as a womans job to do everything in the house. This then adds to the cycle as of course the woman is single BECAUSE she was doing everything in the house. Son's then think this is normal, do nothing in the house when they themselves marry, get dumped, and so on and so on. The cycle repeats itself.

I'm not sure anything CAN be done to be honest.

Look up ‘weaponised incompetence’…

Proceed on the assumption that he will not change. Because he won’t.

Be clinical: what, if anything, does he actually add to your life?

And consider how this would impact you if you stayed with him for the rest of your life. All of it. Forever.

What is he doing when not sorting the DCs or washing up etc

He’s not present at all

Is this a silent protest- how are other aspects of marriage

He sounds unbearable.

I grew up with a completely capable man for a father.

I married a completely capable man and didn’t allow any drop off when he became a father, despite being away for work 5.5 days a week.

You’ve allowed it to happen. There are no domestic tasks that I am aware of that require the use of a vagina, so there’s no reason he can’t also do them.

Plan a weekend away and leave him to work it out.

Have you tried a sticker chart? Might help with the longevity.

Let me guess. His mother did everything at home while his father sat around idle.

Providing he won’t actually let them die, I’d recommend booking yourself a full week away. TELL HIM you’ve been asking for support for years, he’s done nothing, he’s a massive dick and you are sick of him. So, you are taking yourself away and he can deal with it. Then go and let him see what it actually takes. On your return, he will either have a new found respect for you or you’ll be getting divorced. In your situation, neither is a bad outcome.

Honestly book a week of annual leave and go away alone. See what you come back to.

That’s a man who has checked out of his life. Maybe it’s not even in a deliberate way. Maybe it’s not intended to disrespect you in the way that it does. You having to manage his performance - his husband and father PIP - is just another thing for you to do. I know what doesn’t help you in this immediate situation but there are limits to the extent that you can influence and manage this situation and what you find after that week away will be valuable information as to how manageable this is for you in the long term as well as valuable headspace for you (because managing underperformance in any walk of life is exhausting)

Conversations never worked with my DH. Losing my shit in an epic rage did. And so did sobbing because I was so unhappy. This last one worked because he loves me and doesn’t want me to be unhappy.

ita not a permanent fix, but it improves longer than after “conversations”. I worry that I lose respect for him a little bit every time we go round the cycle,
but it has also naturally improved as the kids have got bigger and also as our financial situation make more hours of a cleaner possible.

I go away with work semi regularly and leave him to it, and they all survive. I don’t leave instructions and he seems to cope. It’s when we’re both here that he assumes I’m the default.

His dad is a very good cook! No idea about cleaning etc. But I think his dad was an involved father, so I don’t think it’s that. PILs are still married so maybe MIL is just more tolerant/more of a doormat than me 😅

Break all the chores down into two lists one for him one for you

Stop doing his things

He can wash his own clothes
Cook 3 nights a week, you clean up
Clean up 4 nights a week after you've cooked
Change your sheets on your bed
You change the kids ones

Or whatever

But dont pick it up when he doesn't do it, you will.need to be firm and ignore

I would delegate ALL food shopping, cooking, planning, clearing up to him. Then sit back and leave him to it.

It will be painful but he cannot ignore that the DC need feeding.

If he’s not home from work then he needs to cook the evening before something you can reheat.

Can’t cook, neither could DH but he learnt.

Weaponised incompetence- must be a chip in their brain most men have implanted ….sigh

You basically have 3 kids and eventually you will lose all desire then break up if he doesn’t listen to you know… and considering he hasn’t listened to you earnestly in the past I’m sorry to say you will end up divorced.
Stop doing his washing - at least that is one small job less for you.

Need to copy and paste this to remind myself of it. Thankfully, I don’t have this issue any more, as my husband largely did buck up his ideas. But we have only one child because it was clear he wouldn’t be able to pull his weight enough if we had two and I’d be fucking buckling under the strain.

They’re usually on their phones.

I'd put a lot of money on the fact that he doesn't need this level of instruction at work....

You're flogging a dead horse, it's weaponised incompetence and he cannot have any respect for you. Because you don't watch someone you claim to love drowning slowly and do nothing.

I feel your pain. To give you a bit of hope my OH has got better as the kids have got older.
He's a much better cook than me and cooks 90% of dinners. Although I do most of the meal planning and online food shop.

The bit that really grates on me is we both have access to the school app yet he never checks the calendar. If I stick events in his work calendar he will generally go though.

Not saying it is this, but my Ex was like this. Some years after the kids were born he was diagnosed with autism and these behaviours are explained by his iteration of autism. Extreme ego centredness/ impaired empathy = not really being aware of what the kids are up to, even if its dangerous when out. Poor executive functioning and rigidity severely impairs his ability to do the planning and executing involved ( he was fine before we had kids - he had set tasks he did but trying to get him to develop new habits and tasks is extremely challenging). Poor empathy means he cannot understand the relationship significance of his behaviour ( or that there is a relationship significance). Not really seeing dirt etc can be an expression of autism. We had a specialist support worker and her adult son had autism and she said he was the same.

Whether it is that or he's just a selfish lazy fuck who doesn't give a crap about you, it won't get better. The resentment will build and you will lose respect for him. And desire. Who wants to have sex with a man child they have no respect for?

I'd plan your escape from this non-partnership if I were you.

Of course it isn’t “cultural” amongst British men. What a ridiculous comment. If you’ve only ever experienced men like this in your relationships then maybe you need to start asking what you are doing wrong to keep hooking up with such losers.

And when you go away with work, do you leave a full fridge and freezer, all the beds freshly made, school uniform ready to go, lunch boxes & pe kit etc all to hand?

Seems to me that you need to depart for your holiday on a Friday lunchtime and return a week on Monday - in the evening. This includes two entire weekends, a whole week of school etc, and two lots of recycling days. Oh yes, in the days before you go, run the fridge and freezer down to nearly empty, and let the dirty laundry pile up.

Poor empathy means he cannot understand the relationship significance of his behaviour ( or that there is a relationship significance)

They tend to be able to understand consequences very clearly though. Fuck up repeatedly at work = lose your job. Fail to consistently pull your weight at home = become celibate, have your wife look at you with contempt and eventually be divorced.