Only Child / Adoption?

[fluffyprawn]

Looking for perspective here please. I always wanted 2+ children, as single child families have looked lonely to me and I have a beautiful relationship with my sibling.

However, I am 10 months postpartum and I’m not sure I can do this again. I don’t regret anything and I love my child more than life itself, but I vomited everyday for 8 months during pregnancy, felt nauseous the entire time, passed out multiple times due to low blood pressure, had a very traumatic and long birth with a major haemorrhage in surgery, my baby does not and has never slept, I currently average 4 hours sleep a night, I have suffered from postnatal depression and anxiety, I do not have a village and I find day to day extremely hard.

I am looking forward to returning to a career that I love and have worked very hard for. I decided yesterday that I cannot do this again and felt a huge relief wash through me, followed my immense sadness that my little one may not have a sibling. My husband always wanted three children and I know he’ll be disappointed although he will support me. I’m just not sure I’ll be here if I have to go through it all again. I would really like to consider adopting an older child in due course, as we are financially stable and I believe we could provide a good life for an adopted child too. Is this naive of me?

Are there any only children here who could provide perspective on whether their childhood and adulthood was happy or lonely? Anyone with adopted siblings - how did it make you feel?

Thank you.

I am an only child, I'm happy with this, I'm not lonely and have never been lonely. I also know people with siblings who hate each other, so having two children isn't an instant passport to their happiness

You should never have a child you don't want, by any means. Having a biological child or adopting one out of the misguided idea that you're doing your existing child a favour is a crazy idea. And yes, I think you're being naive about the adoption process, but if you choose to go that route, the assessment procedure will make that very clear to you early on.

Normally an adopted child has to be the youngest, and they like a significant age gap (usually about 4 years).
In reality that couple of years is likely to be needed anyway to show you've recovered from the depression and are thinking about it clearly.

There's also some practicalities with adoption eg you need a spare room (they won't be able to share), show commitment to taking a fair chunk of time off work, pass medical and financial checks. They will also check for a support network

I knew people who have successfully adopted after birth children so i dont think its a terrible idea but the process isnt always simple and you need to be in it for the right reasons

You have ages to think about it.

A rule of thumb is an adopted child needs to be at least 2 years younger than your existing children, and preferably more. Your child needs to be able to cope with the new arrival needing your attention, and they need to be able to cope / walk away should the AC be violent towards them.

As an adopter myself I would be cautious about adopting with a BC due to the 'unknown' factors. Of course any second child can bring unexpected difficulties, but with AC you expect unexpected difficulties, you just don't know when/where they will arise. Mine were fine until mid teens but then both had their individual difficulties which were very hard to cope with.

I am an only child and can honestly say thd only time I ever missed having a siblings was after my Mum died. It would have been so much easier sorting out the funeral, clearing out her home and subsequently selling it with a sibling.

I don't think that would be a good reason to have more than one child though!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with choosing to have an only child due to postpartum difficulties or any other reason. Some only children may grow up wishing for a sibling but you always hanker after what you don’t have and there will be plenty of sibling groups who will grow up wishing they were only children.

With regards to adoption, this is also a valid choice if you go into it wanting to give a home to a vulnerable child. But don’t do it to give your child a sibling. A lot of children come into adoption with trauma and have behavioural or emotional difficulties, that other children in the house struggle with. If you do decide to adopt an older child I would recommend doing it when your birth child is herself much older and can empathise with an adopted child.

Sorry for your loss.

But to counter this, I know people with siblings for whom the whole process of caring for elderly parents and dealing with bereavement has been made much harder by having siblings.

It’s worth looking into when your child is older. I no a couple who adopted a 2 year old when their biological child was about 6. Adoption isn’t an easy choice compared to pregnancy though, it’s just totally different and the younger child has some additional needs. The process of pregnancy and newborn months might have been avoided but that’s such a brief period of parenting, adoption has huge challenges of its own that are life long. So if you do it do it because you want to adopt, not because you want 2 kids but not 2 pregnancies. You’ve got years to decide which is great

Yes, I am sure you are right. At least I could make the decisions without anyone having a different view.

I have friends who have no contact with their siblings so that would be worse than having no-one.

I wouldn't as apart from anything else, the adopted child could end up being your child's worst nightmare.

I would say you don’t need to make any decisions now. At 10months post partum we were very one and done. Now DS is 2.5 im 20weeks pregnant. That’s not to say you should or will change your mind, you’re perfectly reasonable to stick at one biological child. But life does change a lot over the coming months and years so give yourself the space to decide as time goes on.

Hello OP. I’m an only child with an only child (my son is 6).

I was in the same boat as you tho had it nowhere near as hard!!! I just didn’t enjoy the earlier years and I don’t want to do it again.

It is absolutely fine. I wasn’t lonely as a child - but one thing I would say is that my parents did not focus enough on social skills and that meant I struggled particularly in secondary school and didn’t have many friends. My parents didn’t always think about me as a
person and, on reflection, really minimised and dismissed my fallings out with friends, rather than help get to the bottom of why they were happening and empower me to resolve them. I was an intense, sensitive, kind of spiky young person - but I’d say I’m completely different as an adult and really don’t take myself too seriously! Also in process of ASD assessment, which may be relevant.

as for my son: he’s a totally different character from me! He is a happy, cheerful guy with loads of friends at school and locally. We hang out together and are currently particularly enjoying playing Super Mario world! He has ADHD - which is another reason I don’t want another child - our competing neurodiversities can be tough to navigate!

We also considered adopting but I wasn’t prepared to take the risk of bringing a potentially traumatised kid into our now relatively stable family unit. My husband has some health issues too so that was probably the right call.

Feel free to PM me: I do know the guilt of not giving your kid a sibling.

I hated being an only child and even now in middle age I am sad not to have any family outside of my household. I was determined to have more than one and I've always been grateful for how my two get on. Even if they weren't close at least they would have someone else to deal with stuff.

If you would like more than one but can't face another pregnancy adoption seems like a sensible route to me. Obviously it's not an easy route but worth looking into.

It is too soon after a traumatic birth to make a decision. I am an only child and perfectly happy and always have been, certainly never lonely. Adopting a child is not to be taken lightly. It can mean adopting a child that has been through significant trauma, it can be wonderful but also you have to be open to it being hard.

Gosh, no, don’t even consider it, just to ‘get another child’. I was an only child and I loved it. I never once felt lonely or wished for a sibling and at 45, I’m still grateful not to have one. Children put up for adoption often have significant trauma and attachment issues and likely SEN. You will be signing your child up for a lifetime of playing second best to a child with considerable additional needs.

If you really don’t want to have another baby, and I sure as hell didn’t until my eldest was 4, then let them have all the lovely benefits of being an only, the holidays, the best bedroom, all your time and attention, the riding lessons and gymnastics classes you can afford.

I’m an only child. Growing up I was perfectly happy as an only. I had lots of friends and didn’t feel lonely. Now that I’m an adult I wish I had a sibling. I find friends come and go and it would be nice to have a more stable, life long relation with someone (beyond DH and my own kids). Of course I realise not all siblings get on well or even keep in touch.

I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to have a baby if you don’t want one.

Its probably far too soon for you to make a big decision. No two pregnancies are the same.

I am an only child and I hated. I still hate it now. When my parents were dying it was so lonely.
Of course there is no guarantee I’d have had a good relationship with any siblings
I also married an only child. He didn’t like it much either.
Now our own children have no grandparents ( all dead) and they have never had aunts, uncles or cousins.

However you can’t let what ifs influence such a huge decision.
Try to out things out of your head for a couple of years.

Another one saying it’s too early to decide either way. I wasn’t ready for a second until my first was five years old. Then I was desperate for a second! You need to give yourself time to let yourself really reflect on how you feel.

“Adoption seems like a sensible route to me”.

A blithe and ill-considered statement, no doubt made by someone who’s never actually had to consider the significant issues adopting a child often brings.

In the UK, adoption breakdown rates are estimated to range between 2% and 9% across both pre- and post-order placements. However, exact national figures are difficult to pinpoint, as localized data recording is inconsistent and up to 38% of adoptive parents report reaching crisis point or considering returning a child to care. 1, 2, 3]

Being an only child I thought was great. Nobody to compete for my parents affection. I didn't have to play with anyone I didn't like. You learn to make friends and be quite assertive. A lot of only children are quite good at relationships with adults or older kids. I never doubted my identity or where I sat in the family hierarchy. As it was just me! Fantastic.

I did have two older siblings who were stillborn. They'd be 15 and 13 years older than me. Which I think might have been cool. But I never wanted a younger sibling. I think I'd have been madly jealous!

DH and I are both only children. It's not an issue, never has been for either of us. Our parents all have siblings, but few of them are close relationships - multiple children is no guarantee of happy childhood or support during adulthood. It's the luck of the draw, and a happy stable one-child home is just fine.

If you want to adopt, think seriously about it. Don't think it's a thing you have to do as some sort of gift or debt to your existing child. Any adopted child deserves to be wanted for themselves.

Cherry picking.

I did say "obviously it's not an easy route but worth looking into.". By looking into it OP would discover all the pros and cons.

Maybe read an entire very short post before attacking.

Thankfully for many children there are people willing to explore this option.

Lots of great advice here OP.

so my story briefly, multiple losses, no chance of pregnancy.
adopted my twins
fell pregnant in lockdown and carried, twice!

was then absolutely crippled with post natal anxiety, still am.

however, do not attempt to make huge life changing decisions when in the trenches where you are just now. Never make sleep deprived decisions.

Of course ask for thoughts but just go day by day at the moment. once sleep improves everything changes.

they also would not even have discussions about adoption when you are feeling like this. The ridiculous thing in my case being had I had my birth children and then tried to adopt I would never have been approved the way my mental health is. The reality, I am mum of four wonderful girls and having lowered my expectations and strengthened my mum friendships I am in a much better place. despite having four children in my bed most nights.

I'm not an only child, and I said exactly the same as you that we definitely wanted 2. However I've watching 2 lovely nieces and variously friends' children growing up as only children and I simply think I was wrong. They have wonderful lives, not "less than" for lack of siblings at all, but full of opportunities, engagement with people, and interest.

I also know through our SEN family contacts how hard adoption can be, and how one child's disability, additional needs or trauma can impact on the rest of the family through absolutely no one's fault.

I wouldn't wish away my younger, disabled child, of course, but I do think there is a great deal of joy and quality of life to be found in a one child family, that I did not appreciate when I was 30 and my brain chemistry was screaming at me to procreate.

Great to hear your story @pteromum