Only Child / Adoption?

[fluffyprawn]

Looking for perspective here please. I always wanted 2+ children, as single child families have looked lonely to me and I have a beautiful relationship with my sibling.

However, I am 10 months postpartum and I’m not sure I can do this again. I don’t regret anything and I love my child more than life itself, but I vomited everyday for 8 months during pregnancy, felt nauseous the entire time, passed out multiple times due to low blood pressure, had a very traumatic and long birth with a major haemorrhage in surgery, my baby does not and has never slept, I currently average 4 hours sleep a night, I have suffered from postnatal depression and anxiety, I do not have a village and I find day to day extremely hard.

I am looking forward to returning to a career that I love and have worked very hard for. I decided yesterday that I cannot do this again and felt a huge relief wash through me, followed my immense sadness that my little one may not have a sibling. My husband always wanted three children and I know he’ll be disappointed although he will support me. I’m just not sure I’ll be here if I have to go through it all again. I would really like to consider adopting an older child in due course, as we are financially stable and I believe we could provide a good life for an adopted child too. Is this naive of me?

Are there any only children here who could provide perspective on whether their childhood and adulthood was happy or lonely? Anyone with adopted siblings - how did it make you feel?

Thank you.

So much great advice and kindness here - thank you so much everyone. Really fills me with hope to hear from the only children that have lived/are living vibrant lives.

When I think about it realistically, I would be looking in adoption for the benefit of my child to have a sibling. As previous posters have suggested, adopted children come with a whole host of different difficulties and it would not be fair to adopt unless it was for the vulnerable child.

Lots to think about, thank you.

I have one child and absolutely love it. I have a sister who I got on with quite well for years but she seemed to go odd during covid. She slammed the phone down on me and we haven't spoken for 3 years. I know she slags me off behind my back.

I am dreading my mum dying because we'll somehow have to sort stuff out together and she is a weird mix of ranting and moaning about everything but not being willing to actually do anything herself.

I'm kind of hoping she leaves it all to me to do and just cashes her inheritance cheque.

It's a crazy idea to have a child (by any means) just to provide a sibling.

Adopt if you want to adopt. Be aware that it is a hard process, very intrusive, and you will most likely be adopting a child with some form of trauma. It may or may not impact them, but you can't know that. I have two friends who have adopted. They love their children and are very happy they adopted, but also say it is hard.

I am an only child with an only child. I have a couple of friends who have told me they wish they hadn't had their second child. Not that they don't love them, but they can see it was a mistake for their family / mental health / finances. Personally I sometimes regret not having another child and feel guilty I didn't give my son a sibling, but I also know I absolutely could not have coped.

Please don't think all only children are lonely. I'm perfectly happy. I had a lovely childhood, I get on well with my parents, have lots of friends but am also quite content by myself. I've never felt lonely. And I'd say probably only half my friends have a good relationship with their siblings, the rest being either estranged or low contact/volatile. You really cannot know how life will pan out.

I know you didn't mean it like that so I'm only saying it for your benefit but please don't think that life with only one child is lonely or the child themselves is lonely.

Both me and DH are only children and we've had amazingly rich and full lives, we're very close to some of our cousins (and I'm not talking only 1st cousins), we have huge friend groups and are very very close to our parents. Our parents in turn were able to have rich and varied lives with hobbies, successful careers and friendships because they weren't stretched looking after more kids that they could manage.

I have not even once felt lonely in my life. My DH is my best friend and soulmate and I have a bond with him that none of my friends with siblings have.

Most of our friends are only children as well (a by product of a difficult economic period around my birth year where I'm from) and they are equally non-lonely with lots of friends and great lives.

We currently have one child ourselves and life is absolutely lovely. If anything, I worry about having a second because I know that life as an only child and with an only child is absolutely amazing. So whatever you decide, just wanted to give you a fresh perspective on this.

Just adding another perspective and this is all I can really add:

I was 1 of 5 children (this was unusual at the time too) and I would have loved to have been an only child!

I have several friends who were an only child, when this subject came up in conversation years ago, they never felt lonely and their parents had a lot more time to spend with them.

I’m an only child. My DF died when I was young so it drew a line under having any siblings (my DM didn’t remarry). What it did mean was that I was and still am incredibly close to my mum. I also have only child friends who are very close to their parents as adults. I will say that my DM never put undue pressure on me to be a certain type of person and let me very much find my own path, I never felt under a microscope which I think is one of the easy pitfalls of being a parent to an only child.

I would have been far happier as an only child. I'm certain my sibling would say the same. And our mother.

But so could another biological sibling. It's as much a gamble either way. The only difference is how the family view the adopted child

I both am an only child and have an only child. I love it. I was so so close to my mother. I am an expert at entertaining myself and love reading and study and learning. My own daughter will have a wonderful life - gorgeous holidays we couldn’t afford for more kids. She has heaps of activities and friends and is the brightest little button. It’s a wonderful life. Don’t ever think otherwise

I think the World needs to move forward with this ridiculous narrative that only children are at a disadvantage.

I have a DS5. Always thought I wanted two children however I am fully complete with DS. He has friends, socialises at school/activities, goes on plenty of holidays etc.

He is not missing out on anything and we can give him everything. I would be very concerned with adoption. You have a child you gave birth to, do you honestly think you can unconditionally love a child you never gave birth to when you already have one.

You would be very naive indeed to think that's the 'only difference'. Adoption will almost certainly involve much more intensive parenting, as in the best case scenario, you will be raising a child who will have been parted from their biological mother and potentially several sets of carers before they come to you.

Lots of people adopt with birth children. It's hardly a wildly unlikely idea. However, those people desperately want another child. I would caution against anyone entering into the adoption process who only wants a further child because they want to give their existing child a sibling, just as I would caution against anyone having another biological child they did not themselves want, for the sake of giving their existing child a sibling.

I agree with PP that you should forget about it for now. All you can say for sure is you don't want another pregnancy now. Let the next 2 or 3 years go by, enjoy your child and then revisit the discussion. You may feel differently then.

For what's its worth, I am from a mixed adopted/ biologocal family. I was adopted as was my sister (non biological). It was relatively easy back then for infertile Catholic families with all the mother and baby homes. We were adopted at birth a few years apart. 8 years later my mum got pregnant naturally with DSis. It never really was much of an issue for me, I find other people think its more interesting than it is. We are a family like any other but don't share DNA. We talk the same and are similar in many ways. I think ethnicity is very relevant here. I could easily pass for being my sisters sibling or parents child. We have different features of course but not very distinctive and we have the same colouring, pale Irish skin and brown hair. I genuinely don't understand the negative attitude towards mixed families. It possibly helped a lot that we came first and were very wanted by our parents.

@MyOtherProfileI did read your post.

Not cherry picking. Realism.

Not attacking. Challenging.

I have a 10 week old baby and I’ve been thinking alot about if I’d have another child.

I always just assumed I would. I had a normal pregnancy and delivery and these 10 weeks have been a dream yet it’s really given me food for though.

Do I want to risk my second not being a normal pregnancy and delivery? What if my second doesn’t sleep as well or isn’t as healthy?

Do I accept that I have a healthy child who I adore or do I risk it and have another not knowing how it will shift our whole lives.

I know it’s early days and I never thought I’d consider only having one child but it really is looking like an option.

Unfortunately I know an adoption in which the biological child hated and resented the adopted child (and still does now they're both adults). Be careful OP.

The other big difference is that most adopted children have had a traumatic early experience which can make their behaviour unusually challenging.

it doesn’t sound like an adopted child would be best placed in your family. The needs of the adopted child are central to the adoption process. They aren’t there to be a playmate to your child. They will most likely have significant trauma and attachment needs and whilst they might have a nice relationship with your child, it is more likely to be a long road before that became a reality.

You need to want to parent a child who needs a home to adopt, not use that child to complete your idea of the perfect family.

Most children in the UK care system requiring adoption have experienced trauma - you have to be able to cope with how that plays out. That can be challenging in any case, but very difficult on a birth child.

I adopted and I do know several families with a birth child who adopted the second child because they couldn't have another child. It has not worked out well. Social services may be optimistic and place a child with you - they will soon be long gone and you will be left to it.

I am an only child and has a warm, affectionate, and beautiful childhood. I am extremely close to my parents, especially my mother. We have a lovely bond. I am sure it would have been nice to have a sibling, but it's not a loss to me. I find the narrative that single children are a picture of sadness, some kind of built up image in people's heads.

My husband was an only child. His mum then adopted two young her children who had lost their parents. It was a noble thing to do but it destroyed his childhood.

I was an only child, I loved being an only child.
Why would you create your kids rival? I assure you they'd rather be lonely sonetines than have to compete for their peace. So don't do it unless YOU want another child.

It is a very emotional subject, but adopting a child these days is unlikely to be a way to avoid trauma, give your birth child a better life or get into your lovely career. It is likely to be the opposite because children who come into adoption have come from families that failed them in their formative early years and they can bring considerable challenges into their new family.

I honestly don't believe there is a right and wrong number of children in a family. There are ways of being a great family with single children or lots of siblings. My niece is an only child, as an adult she has a group of friends closer than sisters and has built her extended "family" around that. I would honestly give yourself a break, you have done a wonderful thing becoming a mother and I'm sure you will be able to make it work when you are past that challenging first year.