Feeling overwhelmed by ageing, loss and the fragility of life

[LilyAnn13]

Hey Mumsnet folks 👋
I´m just having a moment and am feeling a little overwhelmed and want to reach out.
I´m at that age now (54) where parents, old relatives, are dying / have died and that in itself is very sad, but it´s also a recognition of how time has flown by 😕
I´ve also lost some friends over the years at very young ages, and sometimes I get moments of feeling overwhelmed about that, and the fragility and unpredictability of life 🌹
I don´t really have a question. I´m just sharing really. I am sure there are others who feel this way, and this forum is a good place to not feel quite so alone with those thoughts xxx

The thing is, OP, we all know this, but we can choose how we react. Why waste our best years worrying about things? It's literally throwing away the good life we have left. When a friend of mine was diagnosed with dementia at 55, dying at 63, I didn't let it get me down but I decided that I would try to do as many interesting/fun things as I could, while I could. And that's what I've done.

I feel this at the moment, very much, especially after losing close family and friends recently. It seems as though everyone’s dying before their time and it’s so unfair. This, combined with menopause, the loss of youth - not even youth but just being young-ish, all of that is over for me and for my loved ones and it’s really overwhelming. Combined with awful health problems. My best years are behind me now and I feel so sad about it and I am grieving so hard for the people I loved.

I believe people do not realise how their life flows by so quickly.
When you are 20 many have fun and fewer responsibilities. Some do but many don’t.
When you are 30 stuff happens. Job, marriage, divorce for some, children for some. Home.
When you are 40 it hurts. You are no longer 30 something. You are middle aged. Which isn’t in the plan for that to happen so soon. You thought you would be 30 something forever. And you physically start to change.
When you are 50 you wince again.And the physical changes continue. Not in a good way. Now you often have parents who are frail and elderly and you didn’t realise how much time would be taken up with it all.
When you are 60 you realise you are getting on a bit. And 30 something was ages ago. Although it feels like yesterday. You get a bit reflective. And realise that you won’t probably get to do all the things you would like to do, or see everywhere you want to. Such is life.
You look back and wonder if you had your life again what would you do differently ?

Yes, getting older is hard to accept !

And one regret I have is that I didn’t talk to my grandparents and great aunts as much as I could have done.

I can relate to you all so much and it is welcome to share deeper thoughts. I love deep conversations anyway.
I lost my dad 2013 and became carer to my Mum who had dementia. She was my best friend throughout my life I lost her last September last year and am now trying to navigate a world without her in it . I live in fear of my DH going before me. I know he would cope better without me than I would losing him. We are moving to the coast four hours away and will only have each other there. My DS 24 left home shortly after my DM died now when he comes home for a bit I keep feeling so sad when he goes. I guess it is another form of grief. Sending love to all those feeling the same.

If there ever was a well timed motivational statement! Thank you, 'middle age clutter' is bringing me down so much, I hope I can take a leaf from your book and start shedding! 🙏

@Magicpaintbrush and @OpalSpirit I'm so sorry for what you and your children have suffered. Losing the old folks is sad but normal. Losing a spouse in mid life is awful.
I'm 68. The parents are gone. We had children late so they are in their 20s. My 40s were a new phase of life with babies and small children. My 60s have featured a lot of health problems.
I had cancer a few years ago and you do form some feelings about death. Quality of life is infinitely more important than quantity, in fact I really don't want to reach very old age.
This week I have lost the first member of the family who is my generation, a favourite cousin and a friend has lost her husband.

I think that it can also be a mistake to focus too much on carpe diem because it can lead to feeling guilty about not doing things.

The thing is, we all know this too. But it's very hard to implement in practice for many of us. That's why conversations like this are useful - not because it's never occurred to people that it's sensible to react in certain ways, but because everyone is looking to see that they're not alone and that maybe someone else can say something that helps them reframe or manage.

I've had lots of losses in life and sometimes do feel overwhelmed. That sense that I'm wasting my life by being miserable about it just becomes another lonely stick to beat myself with. That doesn't mean I don't recognise it's a self-defeating strategy. FWIW I find the most helpful things are definitely allowing myself to enjoy very small moments and trying to see myself as part of nature, as a previous poster mentioned. I'm quite envious of people who throw themselves into life-affirming big feats and activities, but these days I find that that approach just sets me up for more feelings of failure and futility. I take heart from animals and plants who just live and don't need to justify their lives with achievements. Whilst I'd like to be all carpe diem all the time, in practice being more tree has worked best for me!

The fragility of life is so real. I’m living this every day after losing my 21 year old daughter suddenly and unexpectedly just 19 months ago. I’m two years older than you OP, my Dad died in 2011 and Mum in 2017, but nothing prepares you for losing a child.

As sad as it is losing elderly relatives, in reality it is a blessing that they got to be that age. I miss my darling grandmother very much but she was 90 when she died. She had seen great grandchildren born.....her death is not a tragedy but rather the natural order of things.

It is impossibly hard thinking of those we've lost far too young. My friend's son should be 16 now but he'll forever be 5. He died in 2015 from leukemia. Somehow my lovely friend has found the strength to go on and live alongside her unimaginable grief.

FIL died before he even reached retirment age. He has missed grandchildren being born and walking his children down the aisle. DH says he has to focus on being grateful that he was an adult when he lost a parent, like posters on here..... some are not so lucky.

I once read that loving someone is choosing to lose them one day.

Either they will die first or it will be you that leaves them, that is inevitable and yet we choose to love them anyway. There's something utterly wonderful about that.

I get this. I had my only at 40 and am really worried he'll be alone when we're gone. Obviously we don't want him to have the burden of dealing with us as we age. But yes the grieving process will be inevitable. I just hope and pray he finds a partner and has a loving family through them.

I am currently at my ds's inquest. He was 25. Life is so hard.

Only Jesus offers eternal life in Heaven.
Lost a friend at the age of 44
Almost myself was taken Up at the age of 17 but left and told : It is not your time yet
these things are real....visit a church, chat to a vicar

Yes, I hear you. I'm 50 and have lost both parents now and only have one aunty left from that generation. All my friends are still with us though one is very ill and that seems terribly unfair. My friend lost her husband a year or so ago.

I really miss having an older generation above me. Even at work those older than me are all retiring -fair enough they are quite a lot older, but I realised they are like my work dads. 😥

I know what you mean. Last year DH and I had a funeral of a friend or family member literally evey month. I couldn't face New Year because all I could think about was who was going to die in 2026.

Same. I'm early 50's and been a lone parent for fifteen years. I've been incredibly conscious of trying to keep healthy so I could at least get my kids through school and college.
Some health niggles which I wish I had the money to sort.

Oh dear, my 24 year old only son left home recently, and I am feeling bereaved!!! Have started to accept it,but still, the grief is real. Sending hugs. Good for you, moving to the coast x

Oh this resonates so much with me. At the beginning of the year, DH just got a fabulous new job after 18 months of looking, having been made redundant, and I also got a permanent role in a new career (at age 53). I went to the funeral of a family friend's mother, and sat in a pew with my own parents thinking how lucky I was to have this time with my healthy, energetic parents and idly musing on how much time we all had left.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when out of the blue, after having a bit of a tummy ache and some diarrhoea intermittently for a month, my mother has been given a terminal diagnosis of cancer, with ''weeks and months but not more" to live - we have been blindsided and I'm currently trying to keep my A level and GCSE children in total oblivion until next week when they finish and I can rush 'home' to be with my parents when she starts chemo. I had to tell my older two children (both about to graduate) and it was so hard. It seems so unfair- she's 'only' 75 and up to now has been completely healthy, but both her parents died before they were 75 and her sister died of breast cancer when she was 49. My father is in pieces - they've been together for 56 years, and we were already planning his 80th birthday celebrations next year. I'm feeling jealous seeing FB posts from my friends celebrating their mothers' 80ths or 85ths and wishing that I was in that boat, not the one I 'm currently in, and I hate myself for feeling like that - grown old is a privilege not a right and we never know when our time is up.....!

I'm now reassessing how much time I might have left and feeling that 75 doesn't seem that far away....and that I need to go out and live every second.

Yes, I do hope as well that they will have a happy family of their own. I had this odd dream recently that I saw one of them as a young adult, being with a partner who was very loving towards them and it gave me a huge amount of comfort. The feeling stayed with me for days, it was so nice.