Feeling overwhelmed by ageing, loss and the fragility of life

[LilyAnn13]

Hey Mumsnet folks 👋
I´m just having a moment and am feeling a little overwhelmed and want to reach out.
I´m at that age now (54) where parents, old relatives, are dying / have died and that in itself is very sad, but it´s also a recognition of how time has flown by 😕
I´ve also lost some friends over the years at very young ages, and sometimes I get moments of feeling overwhelmed about that, and the fragility and unpredictability of life 🌹
I don´t really have a question. I´m just sharing really. I am sure there are others who feel this way, and this forum is a good place to not feel quite so alone with those thoughts xxx

Yes I do know what you mean - Im a similar age and starting to loose key members of the family. It’s a deep sadness isn’t it that a way of life is ending but I try and rethink it to spur me on to really live and do what I want to do and to make sure I create lots of memories. It does bring our own mortality into sharp focus though

I think everyone goes through this to some extent. I'm older than you (65) and am now framing things as 'seize the day'. So I'm making the most of life because I am aware of how fragile it is and how quickly we can lose the ability to enjoy it.

I like to think that those I have lost approve of the fact that losing them has made me determined to enjoy the time I have left all the more.

Hello, I am finding myself in a very similar frame of mind. I have small children whom I had quite old, which means they experience loss of family members from a young age. I feel so sad on their behalf, that sadness will forever be their company. It is like we are always grieving. And grieving myself and for them at the same time feels gut wrenching sad.

Thanks for your prompt responses. It helps, for me anyway, to discuss this with someone when I am on my own with these thoughts and feelings.
You are all right thought about seizing the day and that´s how I have to look at life really and enjoy every day.

Yes … It’s so multi-layered, and following a recent family bereavement I keep discovering new ways I’m forced to experience the loss.

I’m having to learn how to be my own parent - chief advisor, cheerleader, provider of extreme silliness and optimism.

And I’m looking at my friends and realising they may not live forever.

For me it’s a matter of building structures and defences so that as I lose people there are others, and other things, to - if not fill the gap - at least prop up that aspect of my being.

But it is hard to realise that I won’t be able to share any future successes with people who’ve gone.

At 53 I'm now older than my mum and brother ever got to be, and I think about it a lot - what they've missed, why this is bonus time, and why I need to use it well. So I try to do something nice every day - not to waste it. I don't spend all my time drinking champagne or riding roller coasters (I wish!) - but I'll check the small things; how my peonies are blooming, the cow parsley flooding the local lane, my niece's little baby boy starting to crawl, one triangle of Toblerone, a rainy sunday afternoon reading a book. Life seems to be speeding up exponentially when you get to your fifties - so do your best to slow yours down.

I work in a hospital and the fragility of life is so present. I'm of a similar age to you and often think of my own mortality, I worry about my siblings dying, I worry about how my dc will cope with my demise.
I'm nights this week and I am not going to complain about it all, this week thanks to your post and know that I'm not alone in my thoughts
I will try a carpe diem mindset.
Thanks x

I had a fleeting glimpse

And had a “how do I want to spend the time I have left, however long/short I that may be, (similar age), and donated all my inherited knitting and wool craft equipment to charity shop because I would rather do other things than knit.

I removed/ disposed of a fair amount of other stuff as well and scaled things back to just what I want and love to do.

And it’s worked so far.

Use it as a catalyst to shed some middle age clutter.

My DH died 2 months ago and most of my days now are filled with sadness and sometimes rage, because he was taken so young (46). I feel slightly differently to some of you, in terms of making the time count, because I have so many years left stretching in front of me without him and they feel like a burden. I don't want him to only have been 22 years out of an 85 year life. But I actually don't want to feel this way - I want to get to a place like some of you have where I want to 'seize the day' and enjoy life and make the most of it. I just can't see it right now. My parents are in their late sixties, my last remaining grandparent is 87 and in poor health, I don't want anymore loss, it hurts too much. At this point I am more afraid of getting cancer, having seen first hand what it does, than I am of actually dying. I also look in the mirror and wonder where I have gone - I have aged ten years in the last 2 years during my DH's illness. I don't even look like me anymore, I don't even behave like me anymore, so I feel I have lost myself as well as him.

I am in a situation where this confrontation of mortality has become every day.
My husband died suddenly last year. We have two daughters who are below 16.

I struggle very much with the absolute disappearance of a loud and energetic person who has been central to my existence for thirty years and whom I fully expected to be central until the end.

Watching my daughters navigate their pain, shock and fear is appalling and makes me furious that I cannot solve it for them.

I sat on the floor of the kitchen last night with my brave, funny daughter sobbing and begging for her dad back.

For myself, I have found there is some comfort to be found in the way you frame it.
I listened to a book recently that said seeing it as ‘our grief’ rather than ‘my grief’ helps.

As in the world’s grief, we are all part of this cycle of life that arises and then ends. The bittersweet fact is that we will all face tragedy and loss and the risk of loving is losing.
I think the reason this helps is that grief is utterly lonely.
If we can look at death and say ‘yes, this will be me and will be all’ we are part of a larger system rather than a personal tragedy to be feared and looked away from.

I also acknowledge how lucky I have been and ,with total respect, how lucky you are.
Your post talks about older relatives beginning to leave. We are immeasurably blessed to confront mortality in this way.
I watch my young daughters face death and gain unfortunate wisdom that many adults do not know.

For me, the calm I can find is because I have not looked away or pretended.
I have found much comfort from books about death.

I agree with living to the full and and seizing the day, I also would suggest humour and actually actually laughing at our lack of control can help.

Seizing the day does not have to be large things, I think it’s more about getting out of your head and seeing the absolute beauty around us in the ordinary things. In feeling our own life force and enjoying our bodies.
Loving our people and making sure they know.
In acknowledging our lack of control and skipping forward anyway or maybe because we know it is temporary

I am so very, very sorry.

I totally relate to your post where you say you don’t want your husband to be 22 years of your life.
I cannot , CANNOT quite fathom that my husband was simply a ‘part’ of my life rather than the person who walks with me through life.
The loss of this kind of relationship hits so deeply as it’s your future not ‘just’ your history that is lost.
Your whole identity is affected.

Again, I am so sorry for what you are having to go through, I so wish you were not x

Time passes so quickly too - I can’t believe it’s 15 years since I had a conversation with my late father. And I am so sad that my kids don’t talk about nanny any more - older dd has a photo of her in her room (it’s the only photo she has in her room) and youngest barely remembers her.

My best friend is still a bubbly, eccentric 21 year old in my head; I try not to think about the alcoholic she became, who pushed us all out of her life and died ten years ago.

I try to think about other things, like the fact my California poppies somehow survived over winter and are now bursting with flowers, and the fact I managed to do an hour of cycling last week even though I recently recovered from a broken leg. I try to remind myself that pain and loss are a natural side effect of loving people. And I wouldn’t want to love any less strongly.

Quote fail, this was to Magicpaintbrush

I'm 63 and feel very similar OP.

My birthday is coming up soon and I think "What have I actually done this year?" The answer is, not much.

I'm stuck at home Monday to Thursday as OH has the car. I need to lose at least a stone but nothing works.
Might not even get my much wanted summer holiday as OH has something wrong with his feet and can't currently walk far.

Sorry for the miseryfest.

I’m so so sorry for you loss. The older we get the more precarious everything seems. My sister battled cancer twice, ten years apart, and died aged 50 five years ago. Both battles went on for a couple of years. Terrible to see. Especially with her children involved. I will be turning 50 soon and sometimes it feels like a waiting game of who’s next.

I'm approaching 74 and am the oldest in what was a large family (dad started it all by dying in 1966!). I tend to dwell on the I'll-never-know-what-happens re teenage GC, etc (even Prince George, will he be a good King?!! Yes, I know that's ridiculous!!) but I shake myself and refuse to let the time slip away. I'm making the most of children and GC now and trying to enjoy life more. I feel so sad for those of you who've lost partners too young - share a big hug 💐 x

I am similar age and I think about this too. My parents are old people now and it makes me feel sad

I feel this too OP.

I am in my early 50's and within the last 5 years I lost my Mum, then my Dad, both suddenly and without any warning or being able to say goodbye. During this time my best friend was diagnosed with cancer and I supported her through her battle. She also died last year. So I feel very heavy with multiple major life losses within a few short years.

The grief at times has been utterly overwhelming and learning to live without 3 key people in my life (especially my beautiful Mother) has been really difficult and a real struggle at times.

I am now though at a point where I have been able to switch my thoughts around and I now I feel utterly beyond grateful to have had the most amazing Mum and Dad and that I had them for as long as I did. My Mum was there for key moments in my life (the births of my children) and to see them grow into young adults. My Dad walked me down the aisle on my wedding day. And I feel so blessed that I met my friend and the moments we shared and the laughter we shared. I know so many people would give anything to have had what I had so that makes me feel better about things.

However the deaths have left me with an underlying fear of losing my husband and having to live the rest of my life without him. I also fear something bad happening to one of my adult children. And I also worry about dying myself because I love my life and I want to be here. But I also know the immense pain I have felt losing my Mother and the thought that I will cause that same pain to my own daughters one day makes me feel terrible.

These fears sometimes consume me and can be difficult to cope with sometimes.

I try my best to think about the good things I still have to come in my life and that still excites me. So I try not to dwell on the bad and think of the good, but its hard sometimes.

But I feel you OP. You are not alone in your thoughts. 🌹

I haven’t got any useful advice. I just wanted to offer my support and say I understand completely how you feel @LilyAnn13 . I am older than you and still find myself missing my parents terribly at times. They died years ago. I am going to try and get out into the sunshine this afternoon and drop off some books to our local store’s second hand book shelf. My condolences to all on this thread who have suffered loss. 💐

It is a very hard thing to process. I'm nearly 40 and had a lot of family and friend deaths in the last few years far more than I ever expected. My mum died in my early 30s when I had a small baby and it was so difficult to get through it.
I'm from a huge family so I always knew I'd probably end up attending a lot of funerals but I just expected them and myself to be a lot older when it began to happen. I'm trying my best to just make the most of the people I have left.

I’m 73, I have cancer and probably won’t make 80, and I’m old and somewhat pragmatic having lost friends at very young ages as well as very elderly parents in their late 90’s.
I’m a retired nurse, working with the terminally ill and the elderly for most of my life. I’ve been ‘expected’ to cope so perhaps that’s why I have a ‘What will be, will be’ attitude. I also have very little support from a husband who doesn’t do illness so that probably why I’m feeling fairly numb and unemotional about my prognosis.

Yes. I want to freeze time. Both parents alive and living good lives. Both DDs sort of here still as uni age. I don’t want the next stage.

Its why people used to be religious.

Yes, I’m on the same page. Two deaths close to me, last year, and now whenever I hear of a death, like of Antony Head, I feel very aware that I’m in line, it’s happening to all of us. I’m sorry for my children that they will lose their mother, they are adults and will adapt. We really don’t know how long we’ve got. Here for a good time, not neccesarily for a long time.

I had a wobble like that, and found the thing that made me feel better, more in control, was doing something that proved my abilities. I spent that summer running charity 10ks and it gave me back the feeling of invincibility, however inaccurate.

Yes, this has been in my head a lot over the last few months as I hurtle to my 55 birthday this week. Its been sobering to think I lost my FIL 22 years ago and dad 17 years ago and wish they were both still here, both mums are still with us but a shadow of what they both were.

Old age is a curse and a blessing but at the moment it seems more of a curse thats started earlier than expected for me (I have MS) and am already going through much sadness that the things I dreamed of doing, most are unlikely to ever happen for me.

No advice, just you arent alone in this fear.