When you haven’t done as well as people expected

[Jessy4]

I was always top of the year at school. Did really well in exams, went to a top uni then on to a high ranking grad scheme. Things were going well, then I had my first child. Couldn’t cope with work and childcare and ended up as a Sahm for 8 years. Then back to work but in a lower role, I enjoy but earn 1/3 what I did before. We are still in the same house we bought pre-kids, the one we got as we didn’t need anything big at the time but thought we’d trade up.
it feels as though all my friends have done better. Bigger houses, more kids, private schools.
I don’t really feel jealous just more a sense that I haven’t achieved what I thought I would. Like I took my eyes off the ball and now it is too late. Anyone else like this?

Comparison is the thief of joy. No-one else gets to walk a path exactly the same as yours; you will have been doing the best you can at the time with the information available to you at the time. Focus on what is good in your life, and how much you have to be grateful for.

I was also marked as a high flyer as a young person in various ways. I have occasionally felt what you are articulating, but I work quite hard not to allow myself to go there, because what good does it do? Am I better off feeling slightly panicky that I didn't fulfill my potential and everyone else has done better than me, or am I better off being grateful for all the things that have gone well in my life?

Hi OP,

Yes, I get exactly where you're coming from.

I'm American and attended a "gifted and talented" school when I was a kid which meant I spent half days going off site to a school, separate from my daily one, to accommodate my high aptitude in certain subjects that public school couldn't focus on for me, specifically. I was extremely gifted at math, science and reading comprehension etc.

My IQ is 145 and, as a female, that puts me in a very rare percentile.

So, like you, I was kind of propped up with a lot of comments from others about how successful I would be in university, my career etc.

Well, once I left school, there was no one at all to help me. It's like I helped the school achieve their status and was abandoned! I wasn't given any career advice or guidance at all. On top of that, being highly intelligent made me a misfit amongst my peers and I had no idea how to navigate that as I got older. As a kid, no big deal, because I could focus on academics and didn't have time to worry about socializing. As an adult, outside of academics, I had all the time in the world and none of the skill

Fast forward to now, and I am not a CEO. I don't own tech corps. I don't have mansions or direct space centers. I'm just a wife, mother and own a side hustle.

So, yes, I feel disappointed that things didn't happen the way I was led to believe they would happen. I feel disappointed that it's taken me a whole lifetime to be able to have a discussion that other people can relate to and that doesn't involve complex pattern recognition as a fascinating subject over wine..ha.

People who drank, partied, didn't focus at school etc (and in many cases, are just downright mean) are much more successful than I could ever hope to be and at much earlier stages in their life.

So, you just never know how these things are going to end up and I guess we have to be grateful for what we do have instead of what we thought we should have had. That's helped me a lot when I get a bit sorry for myself.

All that to say, I get you!!!

I'm the same. For me, it's just that I'm fundamentally a bit lazy. I'm intelligent, but I just don't have the willingness or drive to put it to its full use.

I'm comfortable with that to be honest. Yes, I could have got a better degree, I could have worked harder, I could have got better jobs and been paid more. But I've never really wanted that. I like the fact that I don't care enough about work to worry about it at night. I like the fact that I can get my work done in about 2.5 days every week, and I can piss about the rest of the time (often on Mumsnet). I don't need more money, I earn enough to be comfortable. I don't need a bigger house, I'd only have to clean it. I like the fact that work is something I do to enable my life, not the other way round.

In short, I'm mediocre, and I'm perfectly happy with that fact.

I have often felt an internal battle between what I think I am probably capable of, and the fact that to a large extent I struggle to give much of a shit! I am relatively senior management where I work, but if I cared more, if I pushed myself harder I think I could have (or could still) get closer to the top of the food chain.

But then I’d have to spend even more time pretending that corporate wankiness is meaningful. I’ve also realised that whilst more money is always useful, we definitely wouldn’t be happier, and we don’t need more stuff. Hanging out with wealthy people is depressing in its own way, they might hang out in fancier surroundings but they don’t have more fun!

The only benefit I really see from more money is that it would get me closer to being able to step away from it all entire and fund the rest of life myself!

And yet…I see my friends with C-suite jobs and there is still a little voice that says I “should” try harder! I normally tell it to piss off.

You're happier and a better mum than you would have been if you'd stayed at that job OP, and that's priceless.

Whilst IMO money can absolutely buy happiness IMO

Persuit of prestige does not. I've never met anyone who followed the "prestige pipeline" who was happy

I've met a lot of very happy rich people, but they were all the ones that went rogue and rejected the prestige markers and titles

Life’s a long game have a look at David Attenborough’s career post 70 if you want inspiration. A happy life is a good life

Im 45 now and couldn’t give less of a shit about what I have or haven’t achieved or how big my house is. Seriously who cares! None of it’s important. I’ve got a lovely little family, a happy simple small life and that’s enough for me.

House size is such a poor indicator

A small house with a paid off mortgage is "worth" more than a house 3 times the size that's over borrowed on!

This is me. Top of the class at school- IQ of 143, and I'm mostly pissing about doing not very much.

Like you, I took a lot of time out when the kids were small and then made two fairly disasterous decisions career-wise afterwards and, well, I am where I am.

I feel a bit embarrassed about it, TBH. I told my mum my new job title and she literally laughed at me. Gah.

If you are happy and matter to people, you’ve done well in life, surely?! Material success and status are really quite narrow measures of success.

I went to Oxford and, while much of my cohort has ‘done well’ there is remarkably little correlation between high aptitude (beyond being smart enough for Oxford at 18) and the extent of their success by material or status comparators. In short, the smartie pantses haven’t always, or even often, done the ‘best.’ Far more factors than individual aptitude have conditioned their outcomes. For example, neurodiversity, geography, resilience, life events, priorities and values, family circumstances. It’s hardly surprising that an individual factor such as academic ability, for example, does not correlate reliably to ‘success’ considering how many factors interact to lead to particular outcomes.

While the above is an ironic overthink, is advise to enjoy your life, keep moving forward and don’t overthink it 🙂

High intelligence has heavy links with neurodivergence, most commonly ADHD. Some believe high IQ in itself is a form of neurodivergence which makes sense since the brain processes everything faster and fundamentally different to average IQ minds. This isn't children reading at one level higher than their age, but like the PPs who have IQs in the top 1% or 0.1%.

ND makes functioning in normal society quite a bit harder so it's no surprise that a significant number of "gifted and talented" children don't end up achieving what people thought they would. Things such as having children, managing a home, executive function, mental load, organisation etc are totally manageable to an average, non-exceptional neurotypical person but can be extremely difficult to a highly intelligent, neurodivergent person.

This is not even taking factors into account like ND mums having a much higher rates of ND children with addition behavioural needs that makes parenting much harder and more time-consuming.

Typical benchmarks of life success like financial gain, starting a business, becoming famous etc require lots of additional skills that ND people may naturally struggle with. Social anxiety, public speaking, playing the "heirarchy game", reading social cues, self confidence, networking, time management, tolerating sensory discomfort and unpredictable routines etc.

I got high grades in GCSE and A levels at a good school. Did well at a good uni.
Got a professional qualification.
By 23 was doing brilliantly.
Owned my 1st house, brilliant social life, holidays. Just loads of fun for a lot of years.

At 27 moved in with my now DH to decent 3 bed semi, thinking it was for a few years then we would move up the property ladder.

2008 crash came a few months later, house value halved.

Got married, I was the higher earner, but DH had a 'worthy' job. Plan was with children he would be a SAHD.

In 2010 I had a stroke, was unable to return to work.

Got pregnant- was put on wrong medication by Dr - DS was born disabled due to this error.

I got extremely ill after he was born. In and out of hospital for 10 years, then finally diagnosed with an extremely rare autoimmune disease.

DS has also had an horrific time trying to manage his disability. Probably 50+ hospital stays and loads of operations

DH has had to retrain in order to make more money as his job was lower paid. But at the same time he's has to go self employed as me and DS require so much care that we aren't really capable of planning for a normal week.

But, things are better than they were.
Still in the solicitors hands re the NHS screw up
We bought at the wrong time but in a great area, have loads of friends here and its been a brilliant street for our son to grow up in. Schools etc are fantastic.

Peers have done much better, but I have seen a few cases where (from the outside) a smallish amount of stress has broken a marriage.

We seem to constantly wade through shit but keep coming out the other side.

Life's not fair - but thats just how the world works. Shit happens, you have to move on and not lie face down in it.

Oh yeah same here

But now I couldn't give a shit about a career, all I care about is the kids and being home for them

So I stick in my low expectations, well paid, WFH, good pension, good holiday entitlement job

Do you have a sense of what's really going on for you - is it more an internal disappointment/unhappiness at your life/career or more of an external/social comparison issue?

As others have already said, count your blessings and be grateful if you and your family members enjoy good health. Money and a big house can't buy health. If you are happy, if you love and are loved and respected by your partner, that is all that matters.

I was expected to be a high flier. After 13 GCSEs, I was told that I was not going to do what I wanted to do, but would be doing my A-Levels, a degree and getting a "proper" job instead. 3.5 A-Levels, a degree and a "proper" job later, I had a nervous breakdown that wasn't part of my family's plan for me.

Then I retrained in the one thing that I wanted to do when I left school. I've learnt so much, I've had a range of experiences, various jobs and it continues to open so many more doors than teaching ever did. More importantly, I'm much happier!

I think that would feel tough.

Mine is the other way around. I was destined for a mediorce life during my teen years, but in my early 20s life threw a curve ball and I've had the life I didn't think I would. And yes, I feel lucky (although I worked for it too).

It reminds me not to put pressure on my DC, to support as best I can, because I think not living up to expectations placed on you must be hard 💐

I had a friend who was gifted and talented. She did amazingly through school , excelled in sports and creative studies too. Had the started a promising career. Then she crashed and burned and now earns just above minimum wage. I think that level of pressure and expectation can be really difficult to maintain.

Another friend grew up in a deprived area, all her family were not working or low skill roles. She did quite well at school started working at 18 and has worked hard ever since. She earns a 6 figure salary and has a huge level of responsibility.

I finished university and started applying for the grad schemes but then realised that my free time and hobbies were more important to me than professional success. I found myself asking why I would want to be working 60 hours a week at the big 4 and studying for professional exams.
I took an admin job with a 10 minute commute. Ended up moving abroad and starting a family. I'm not interested in any job with more than a 30 minute commute and more than 30 hours per week which limits professional options but my work life balance is great and I know that more money or professional success wouldn't make me happy.

Unless you are mega-rich, to the degree that you really don't have to work at all and can live off your assets, I don't think that the struggle to the top of a corporate ladder is very fulfilling or meaningful for a lot of people.

There is an amount of money you need to be comfortable, and after that it's a bit of a cliff edge to get to the amount that actually increases your happiness.

OP, I imagine you did what actually made you happy, rather than what others were expecting of you. That's not something to be ashamed of.

Ohhh what did you retrain as? Was it something like a career with horses 🐴?

One of the equity partners at a City law firm I worked in grew up in an estate, left school before taking any GCSEs and then did some evening classes, and worked herself up in Civil service, then went into private practice and is now on 7-figures. She was super hard-working and extremely tenacious though. Also, very personable.

I’m sure no one else is giving this any thought except you. Being top of the class does not mean you’re going to be “successful” (define that how you will) workplaces value a lot more above academia, I think you (maybe parents too?) put undue pressure on you based on one strength. Don’t dwell on it, so long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.

I went from 'very, very bright, should do extremely well' top sets at 13, to just about lower end of average at 16, bombed A levels. Ended up a mum at 21 by a much older guy, we got married. Been together 40 years. Both in low paid work. Live in a council house.
As a child I was told, work hard you will do well, well I did that and it didn't work out that way. Poor decisions when I was young because I thought it would be ok as long as I 'worked hard'. I was young and dumb, I listened to the adults in my life that said as long as I was 'good' and 'behaved ' and 'tried hard' it would all come. I resent not being encouraged to be adventurous, travel and be independent. That would have served me better.