When you haven’t done as well as people expected

[Jessy4]

I was always top of the year at school. Did really well in exams, went to a top uni then on to a high ranking grad scheme. Things were going well, then I had my first child. Couldn’t cope with work and childcare and ended up as a Sahm for 8 years. Then back to work but in a lower role, I enjoy but earn 1/3 what I did before. We are still in the same house we bought pre-kids, the one we got as we didn’t need anything big at the time but thought we’d trade up.
it feels as though all my friends have done better. Bigger houses, more kids, private schools.
I don’t really feel jealous just more a sense that I haven’t achieved what I thought I would. Like I took my eyes off the ball and now it is too late. Anyone else like this?

i think adults do realise that how someone performs at school really means very little in the real world. Having good grades or a high IQ doesn’t mean you’ll succeed in work and relationships.

maybe you need to find a way to let your child self go? You have an adult self now.

I’m actually the same. I had so much potential I’m very clever and capable (if I do say so myself!) but I had children and I stayed at home to look after them. I don’t regret it for a minute but sometimes I think it would be nice to have a career but I started my own business and it does well enough and gives me lots of flexibility.
I do actually have the big country house and car etc but courtesy of my husband who, although was a good earner when I met him, didn’t show such big potential but now is at the top of his field and a high earner. I’m very proud of him and we have built what we have together.

What do you actually want, thought? I mean now, not what your undergraduate self wanted.

Similar here. IQ of 158, first class degree but struggled with communication skills and childhood abuse leading to a life of mental illness including section and psychiatric inpatient stays.
I wish I could have contributed something worthwhile to society but it’s too late now.

My sister had so much potential when she was younger, very beautiful, extremely clever, very talented musically. Stellar academic record through GCSEs and A-levels.

Unfortunately, after school, she went to three different universities, and did x3 halves of different degrees. Throughout all of this, she was really disparaging and judgy about the other students, her flat mates, the lecturers etc. She didn’t actually graduate in anything!! My dad paid all of the fees, so thankfully she didn’t have any loans to pay back.

She married the first guy to ask at age 20, ended up in debt as he was a bad choice. She left him at age 26 with the help of her now husband (who genuinely seemed amazing for a while). She supported the new guy whilst he has built a company from the ground. She was self-employed (working from home) and self-taught in an IT field. She wasn’t earning lots, but a steady income. Gave up her regular clients to take a job in an established company for the first time at age 35. Crashed and burned with office politics because she’s a (very intelligent) “know it all” and if I’m honest, she doesn’t play nicely with others. Got fired after 3 months. Wasn’t able to rebuild her own self-employed client base after covid. Went all in as a SAHM for her DH, who now it turns out has had several affairs and invested all their joint savings in his company, which may or may not be successful. Now she’s 40 and financially screwed without an obvious way to be independent 🤦🏼‍♀️

Honestly I despair. She had SO MUCH potential and has made so many bad decisions. I love her dearly, listen and support her as best we can. I’ve given her money by giving it to my dad secretly to give to her (she thinks it’s from him). But I’m annoyed. She still “knows everything”. I talked to her about moving back to the village we grew up in (where property is much cheaper) and my dad is near. But she was scoffing at how awful it would be. Honestly, she doesn’t have much choice!! The arrogance is difficult to deal with.

If anyone should get a do over on her life, I wish it could be my sister. I’d love to see how her life would have turned out if she’d actually stuck to a degree and gone on to build a professional career in something.

I think this is quite common among women, and especially mothers who take time out to raise children.

Not everyone can be, or wants to be, a high flyer in a capitalist system. Adulthood is when the curtain is pulled back and you realise what life is really about (making others unlimited money) and where your priorities lie (enjoying your limited time). A healthy balance in life is often at odds with society's expectations and definitions of success. The academic and quiet at this point get surpassed in their careers by the charismatic and extroverted. They can't study their way out of the dilemma that social skills are far, far more important than top grades for top jobs.

I was academic, from a deprived background, went to an "excellent" uni. Had something of a crash and burn in a potentially promising career. Now just pottering around, a bit lost and quite poor. I believe it could be undiagnosed ND because I've read about this crash-and-burn pattern time and time again from formerly academic kids. At the same time, though, it is a bit "it is what it is" so what can you do?

Blimey, I’d hate to hear how you speak about someone you don’t like if you love your sister!

Though, not ‘thought’!

This is so incredibly validating! IQ of 129 missed out on Mensa by one point, Master's degree from Oxford, yet I've been a teacher at the same state secondary for ten years without making any progress. I find working part time and having 2 kids about the limit of what I can cope with. I was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago and I swear my IQ is more of a hindrance than a help. I see it with my DS, the offspring of two Oxford grads, too. He is struggling so much emotionally and I'm sure it's because he is so insanely clever...

I think you need to reframe your definition of success. You could have gone down a certain path, but realised that raising your children was more improbable and now you are happy as you are? Just the truth. That you did have potential to lead a certain life/lifestyle, but actively chose another as your values differ from your potential in your career.

I was supposed to do really well. High iq, very academic and serious. Yet I crashed at 23 and my mh has made it impossible for me to work anymore than pt and I still struggle. Luckily I live far away from my hometown because everyone thought I would "make it" in the world and I would be so embarrassed to meet anyone who knew me when I was high functioning.

It’s not too late. My most successful career years were my 50s and I think that’s true for many mothers.

I relate. I am not super intelligent or gifted but I did have some degree of natural musical talent and was reasonably academically able- nothing I’m doing in adulthood reflects any of that. I took a while out of work when the children were small and after that I was never able to really settle into a job until quite recently so I’ve never had a career as such. I’ve also had a lifelong lack of confidence in myself so have rarely pushed outside of my comfort zone, for example I have always tended to apply for jobs that I know I can easily do, rather than something that might feel like a challenge. I sometimes wonder how my life could have been different, but I’ve made my peace with who I am and what my life looks like. I’m contented if not hugely challenged. I found out at 48 that I have got ADHD which explained quite a lot for me.

In my experience there’s a whole lot of people earning a lot of money but without the intelligence to back it. And those I know who were very intelligent in school, live much simpler lives.
I did very well in school. I am perfectly happy at home with my children and animals. Side hustle craft business.

I see it as getting out of the rat race and being happy. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone.

I don’t have strong opinions about anyone else 😂 I speak to my sister every day. Our mum died when we were at school, so I’ve ended up in a quasi parent role I think. I feel responsible for making sure she’s ok, so that’s probably why I feel so exasperated by the decisions she’d made.

I truly believe “potential” is one of the most poisonous words in human psychology.

Tricky to navigate that line as a mother and teacher though!

Yes. I did ok at school GCSE wise but never got beyond that. I have tried. Health issues have meant I have not worked for years, and when I did work it was dead end jobs.
I do feel ashamed, even thought I should not have to.
Just answering the OP... I am not after advice.

TBH these expectations, judgments, plans these are all just ideas we've made up about our lives. We can make up different ideas we like better if we want.

In truth we are all just these curious, wonderful, experiencing beings and our job is just to be in the world and experience it. Hug your family, watch the rain on leaves, do your best to be in the moment you're in. Life doesn't last long and it will never come again, so don't waste it worrying about a slightly bigger house. You're doing fine!

Sorry for your loss at such a young age. It seemed that you were secretly pleased that she had screwed up her potential but I realise that I misinterpreted the situation and I apologise for that x

Are you happy? That’s all that really matters. I am bright, did very well at school. Could have gone higher career wise but to be honest I have a comfortable life, job is flexible and doesn’t take over my life. That’s good enough for me. My sister, also very academic, put her career first and earns a hell of a lot more than me but no way would I want to have the work pressure and stress she has. We are very different people though. Don’t compare to others. If your life is what you want then great. If not then what can you do to change things?

I was a high flyer at school but my life fell apart after that due to terrible mental health. I do feel desperately sad about the opportunities I missed out on because of it, both personal and professional. But now in my 40s I have a job I love. I think with work you can recover things later in life; it's harder with the personal stuff.

Not quite horses, though I've spent my fair share of time around them! I work in farming. It might be most people's idea of hell, but it is a refreshing and rewarding job (OK, it's hard work sometimes), and I like the company of our animals.