No flexibility on plans, would this bug you?

[Groupof5]

Group of five friends.

Friend A suggests they get together on weekend morning and do an outdoor free activity. Friend B says I’m already doing my hobby but can do later that day, late morning/lunchtime.

Friend A says no needs to be early.

Friend C says got something on, can we do next week. Friend A, no needs to be this weekend.

Friend D and E, yes can do it.

So plan is agreed, A, D and E will do it, can’t rearrange to accommodate B and C.

Then A remembers she has something on, oh actually let’s leave it and we’ll do it another time.

If you were B and C would this annoy you?

@Terfarina righto thanks for that. Think I know what you mean.

A sounds a delight.

time to branch out and look at other friends beyond this group perhaps.

Is there a chance that A is on the spectrum...? I've a friend like this and it was because they focused on the "activity" or the time rather than seeing it as a chance to see friends. E.g. "I want to see film, I'd prefer to see it Friday night, now that's set in stone in my head I will invite a friend or two, if they can't make it so be it". Whereas I approach it as "I'd love to see my friends B - E, let's find a date and an activity we all fancy, but the main thing is that we are all available and can spend time together".
It's a totally different way of looking at a meet up. The same friend would;

• not meet up after work unless it aligned perfectly with their finish time
• not be able to flex their "normal" schedule ehen though it was causal (I go to the gym on a Tues and thurs)
• look at the activity quite literally (I won't join you at Costa because I don't like coffee)

Not saying it's the same, but there is a chance that A is just viewing the world and viewing seeing friends in a very different way to you.
I also think, with 5 adults, only meeting up when absolutely everyone is available means you'll only meet up maybe once a month max, because life. So I totally agree with saying "it's this at this time" sometimes, to avoid messing about. Maybe A is just frustrated that everyone has to be available and stuff gets moved around constantly to fit 5 people's schedules.

In the circumstances you originally quotedcUd be more annoyed if I were friend D or E. B&C have already said they're not free, and can plan a meet up another time that suits them.

DD had problems in her friendship group at secondary, mainly one was controlling and jealous of DD having other friends. When the time was right she broke away from group, and aa she was available, she'd suggest getting together with three others she knew, tgey ended up a group. They don't meet as a group any more, but at 25, she still sees the girls from her second group.

If friend B and C get on, maybe they should come up with things they're going to do whatever, either on their own or invite rest of group. Also, I'd say to your DD to build on other friendships/people she likes. DD made two other friends to above, around 13/14, still really good friends with one, the other she still messages andbsees about once a year if in area.

In this instance I'm not too sure why your DD would be upset since she couldn't make the original plans anyway? If A was looking for something to do on a Saturday she had free then I can see why she said no to your DD's suggestion of doing the weekend after (when maybe she wasn't free possibly). Perhaps she was specifically trying to fill that day/morning for some reason?

Not saying there's no bitchiness going on across other areas of the relationship, but in this specific instance I don't see any cause for upset from your DD - she wasn't free to do the plans, it's not like she wasn't invited. If A was trying to shove your DD and B out of the group, surely she would have gone ahead and just done the activity with D and E?

Friend A is manipulative and from what you've posted here, is targeting friend B for exclusion from the group.

Bullies / Queen Bees do this to make the others in the group scared as they don't want to be excluded either.

Its awful behaviour and usually ends up destroying the group because the atmosphere becomes so toxic.

You should encourage your DD to disengage with friend A and possibly the whole group. Painful at the time but better in the long run.

Point this behaviour out to your DD so she can see the pattern. But it will probably be a while before she is able to break away.

I have a friendship group that go with the majority. Or a is anyone free to do x on y. Or two people make plans and say I’m going for lunch with a on x date anyone want to join.

im missing the next 2 as my kids do a lot of sports and we are out at various things. Im never made to feel bad, and get more so happy to see you when I do make it.

You need to teach your daughter what a friend actually is.

Because A is an example of isnt.

I don't think A is being unreasonable in the first incident. It's perfectly okay to say you want to do an activity on x day and time. It's not reasonable for your DD expect them to rearrange for a week later to accomdate her. Of all the people that have been wronged in the first incident your DD is the least

The second incident there's nothing to indicate it it was A doing the excluding, especially as it was Ds house. It sounds like all 3 of the others causing a problem?

No because I couldn't go. I wanted them to rearrange so why would the fact they did so annoy me? I'd more mildly annoyed as the two that said they wanted to go at A's suggestion, only to be told actually that A wasn't that bothered.

No, you couldn’t make it, that’s all.

Without the back story, no I wouldn't be annoyed. If that happened with my group (and I was B) I'd probably say "oh ok, how about we do it next weekend. C is free as well then but if it has to be the morning let's do Sunday because I go mudlarking on Saturdays."

@Groupof5 Why can't your dd and friend B just go by themselves? They don't need As permission or handholding surely?

It depends a bit what the activity is, if it was all come to my house (A) and she's double booked herself then fair enough. If it was let's go to the cinema then I think anyone of the group who's keen to do the activity can say I really want to do X, I'm free on this/ these dates is anyone else free? It's unreasonable for everyone to wait until all 5 are available to do something. So long as everyone is invited, FOMO is just part of life (until you get older and not being able to make a social is a quiet relief 😅 )

No. If you wait for everyone to be free to make.plans you'd never do anyhting. Makes the most sense for the person with the idea to pick a date and time and then whoever can come can come. There's nothing stopping the other people for arranging for a different date as well.

No it wouldn’t annoy me if I was B or C, because I couldn’t go anyway. If I was D or E, I might ask the other if they still want to do something.

You seem to be suggesting that if all five aren’t free to do something, those who aren’t busy should just sit at home doing nothing!