No flexibility on plans, would this bug you?

[Groupof5]

Group of five friends.

Friend A suggests they get together on weekend morning and do an outdoor free activity. Friend B says I’m already doing my hobby but can do later that day, late morning/lunchtime.

Friend A says no needs to be early.

Friend C says got something on, can we do next week. Friend A, no needs to be this weekend.

Friend D and E, yes can do it.

So plan is agreed, A, D and E will do it, can’t rearrange to accommodate B and C.

Then A remembers she has something on, oh actually let’s leave it and we’ll do it another time.

If you were B and C would this annoy you?

I would be more annoyed if I were D or E as we were available and keen. B and C I would be pleased as maybe I can do it next time

No because I wasn't going anyway!

Yes! Unless she had a specific reason
Did you ask her why and did she say?

Well, it depends on the activity. If it's a hike, it does need to be early in the day. And trying to get 5 people free at the same time is nigh imposdible anyway

They need to do a poll in Whatsapp. List several options over the next couple of months and hopefully there will be at least one day when everyone is available at a time that is suitable for the activity to be done.

I would certainly be annoyed and if D or E weren't then they must be absolute saints, particularly if A has form for this sort of behaviour. For that reason, I hope D and E decided to do the activity anyway. As for B and C, it's always difficult to find a time that's suitable for everyone so I don't see why they should be annoyed.

Does anyone else organise stuff or is A always the organiser?

I think the instigator of a plan is well within her rights to effectively say “I plan to do X on Y date, would be happy for others to join”

If something else then means A cannot do Y date, she’s not stopping others who can make it from doing it.

Maybe mildly annoyed if I was friend C who had been told it had to be this specific weekend.

But I think that in any group, it’s hard to get everyone available at the same time, and so for each “event”, whoever is sort of leading the organising can take precedence with their availability.

Thank you all for your replies, I like the WhatsApp poll idea.

Sorry a bit of a drip feed coming. This happened to my mid teen DD. She is friend C.

She told me about this over half term and unfortunately there is a strong pattern emerging of Friend A trying to exclude my DD and friend B.

On its own, my DD wouldn’t be bothered but there was another incident where friend D invited them all over after school and then it wasn’t mentioned again and friend A and E went and it seemed like it had been arranged behind their backs.

This incident did upset my DD. I have old her she needs to be more assertive and use her words and say are we still on for Friday, what’s the plan but she can be a bit passive.

My DD, Friend A and C have all been friends since reception and I know friendships ebb and flow but I do feel that Friend A is acting in a way to push them out of the group.

They told them they were upset about being ‘disinvited’ and A and E said they didn’t care. Friend A also recently shouted fuck you across the canteen at them.

In answer to @SheilaFentiman no friend A is not the usual organiser.

@SheilaFentiman in fact I’d say Friend A is very good at inserting herself into the plans that others have made and tagging along. Serious FOMO.
But also very good at keeping others hanging whilst they are trying to make arrangements and then saying can’t be bothered or I’m doing something else or too much hassle to arrange.

The update does put a different spin on it (I was imagining 5 middle aged parents with limited free time so the chances of all 5 being available on any given weekend were minimal anyway unless planned 6 months ahead!)

@SheilaFentiman apologies for the drip feed.

And absolutely as an adult with a busy life and friends with busy lives if I couldn’t make a date I’d say please go ahead and I’ll catch you next time.

I’m not a helicopter parent or oblivious my DD doing something wrong, but she is a
loyal friend and this is bothering her.

I told DH (her dad) and he said just let them get on with it and you what teenagers are like but I’m actually really disappointed that what appeared to be a supportive and nurturing friendship group has gone sideways.

Theres a trick to calling things out non confrontationally- ah that’s a pity considering it was so hard to make those plans in the first place! Anyone want to meet x day and do x?

@Morepositivemum yes I totally agree.
This is what Ive said to DD, you can say what’s on your mind without being rude or confrontational. Or use humour or a joke.

I guess what I want to do is support my DD through this. You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your own reactions.

Friend A is manipulative. It will come back to bite her on the arse in the end.

@YoBetty I’m finding it hard to name this behaviour. I think when you are close to a situation it’s hard to be objective.

As I said earlier, my DD has been friends with two of the girls for a long time and I thought the friendship was strong.

When they started secondary school together, friend A made a new friend in the form class and pretty much dropped my DD (the others are in different forms). This girl was subsequently dropped by A when the group of five formed and now they barely speak despite previously spending lots of time out of school, friend A joining one of her out of school clubs etc, so on reflection Friend A does have form.

@GloriousGoosebumps sorry I meant to reply, no activity got binned as A wasn’t available, though agree D and E could have gone ahead. Though my impression is, it was very much framed by A, no we’ll do it some other time (as I can’t make it now).

I’d have encouraged my DD to do the activity with the other friend who could make the original time. Sometimes plans aren’t always in teenagers control, parents may have plans that overtake so I’d not be annoyed about it but also would have gone ahead without A.

It’s a good opportunity for your DD to reframe the conversation instead of letting A decide whether they could go ahead or not.

@Jellycatspyjamas yes I agree. However, this has happened over the past few weeks, and my DD wasn’t overly bothered at the time but subsequent events have thrown it into context.

She told me what had been going on over half term. I did tell her to arrange to see a couple of the girls without A over the half term. She ended up spending the day with friend B, just the two of them.

Op I think this is really typical for teen girls. My dd has experienced it too over the years. I used to get really anxious about it but as the girls are getting older my dd is more able to pick out mean girl behaviour so I’ve taken a step back and just try and let her get on with it instead of trying to solve her problems.

@Savvysix1984 thank you, I agree with you. I do usually keep a distance and offer advice when I’m asked. But this hits a bit different as it’s one of her oldest friends.

Bit of an update, my DD thinks that two of the others girls have a problem with Friend B. Not sure why as they aren’t being off with my DD when she’s on her own but ignoring B.

Friend A is still being ok on the surface with DD and B but she does that. I’ve explained to DD that she’s keeping them ‘warm’ which is what has happened before.