WWYD son’s school outfit choice

[anothereastlondonmum]

My son’s (age 5, 6 in August) state school has no uniform. He has recently chosen and bought with his pocket money a lovely t-shirt which he’s pleased with. He’s in Year 1 for context. He has decided to wear his new t-shirt tomorrow. The dilemma is that it has a pink sparkly unicorn design on the front. It was clearly a “girl’s” t-shirt (as in, the store was mixed but it was in a girls section), and of course me and his Dad think it’s lovely he loves it so much. I wish I wasn’t worried but there are two known bullies in his class who are very “alpha” and have bullied a number of the children before including our son. they are very “male” and talk about weaklings etc and have bullied another boy relentlessly who is fairly feminine in his rates.

The school is currently dealing with the bullies so it’s not so much about that aspect as I have already submitted a complaint and met with the teacher. Things are happening but as of tomorrow the two boys are still
in DS class. My dilemma is more about the very immediate term issue of DS wanting to wear his cute t-shirt tomorrow the first day back after half term. Do I send him into the lions den or do I say it’s in the wash?

I am a moral person and feel cross I’m even thinking about such a moral compromise as this, but when it’s your child you just want to protect them from pain 😭

I think with kids like the 2 in his class, if it's not this t-shirt then it'll probably be something else later, so I think I'd equip him now in how to respond. Something like, some boys might think unicorns are for girls and wonder why you're wearing a unicorn t-shirt. What do you think you'd say? Maybe you could say it doesn't matter what you wear and that you like it. Or, well I think unicorns are cool.

If it was designed for stereotypical girls, and sold in the girls' section of the shop then it doesn't matter who owns it - it will be stereotyped as a girl's t-shirt by many people - and not just by children. Whether they say something about it or not is another matter - that comes down to how they've been brought up or how much they've adapted to modern culture. Either way, the boy should be warned.

Personally, and this will go against the grain, I think you should have exacted some good parental judgment and said ‘no darling that T-Shirt is for girls’. That would have saved you the worry that he’s going to be bullied from day 1 and the parents will judge you. You wouldn’t have had to post about it on mumsnet either, everything would have been fine.

This sort of situation is exactly why schools should have uniform. It’s unusual that they don’t. They’re not going to school to express their individuality they are going to learn. The focus should be on what stationary they need or school bag not sparkly unicorn t-shirts.

Some people just don’t want to say no to their children.

I have never come across any Year 1 children who are as you describe. You talk of ‘alpha’, that ‘they are very “male” and talk about weaklings etc and have bullied another boy relentlessly who is fairly feminine’.
They are little boys. Although I’m a great believer in letting children make choices, those choices need to be curated by the adults. I would have let my DS buy the unicorn T shirt to wear out of school, but would have given him a limited choice of what to wear in school.

I had a similar dilemma when DS was in reception, only instead of a unicorn t-shirt, it was his favourite pink, sparkly unicorn cuddly toy. All the kids were bringing in a toy for a teddy bears picnic.

I hedged my bets, let him take the big pink cuddly, but had a quick word with the teacher at drop off and left his second favourite toy with her in case ‘something’ upset him and wanted to swap. All was fine and nobody cared.

Jeez don't do this.

Clothes are clothes and bullies are bullies.

I'd have serious questions about a school letting 2 6yos be so bullying based on what people wear.

Your son sounds wonderful! Fwiw my (then) 6yo regularly wore girls rainbow clothes and no one batted an eyelid.

Aghast at the "girls clothing" posts.

Unless it requires a vagina to operate, it's not a girls T shirt!!! Especially on a 6yo.

Then you are either living in a bubble or are expressing your offense performatively, or both.

It's fine for parents to let their children challenge cultural norms, but the least they can do is gently warn them about what might happen and why.

Surely he doesn’t want to wear his lovely T shirt to school to get get covered in glue and pen? Does he?

@anothereastlondonmum you should not be labelling 6 year olds as bullies for using the word "weaklings". They are picking it up from cartoon villains and role playing those characters. Or else picking it up from older siblings. The teachers will speak to them about it, and deal with it, but it's wrong of you to ostracise and label children for being themselves. Be open to the possibility that they just need to learn how to behave in the playground.

He’s himself regardless of what he wears. It’s just a T-shirt.

You have a pretty simplistic view on life.

Everything wouldn’t have been fine though, would it, because yet another little boy would have been given the message that gender stereotypes matter more than he does, and that the way he naturally wants to be is plain wrong.

OP I think you need to have a frank conversation with him and make sure he understands the implications of wearing things like this and why other children might be unkind about it. If you’re satisfied that he understands what he is doing and he still wants to wear it, then let him wear it. And be prepared to hold the school to its own bullying policy - they can’t just displace responsibility for safeguarding onto your child because they share the bullies’ prejudices.

A Year 2 child transitioning from male to female?
That’s appalling.

The robust thing to do would be to have a chat about how some people have very particular, outdated views about boy and girl "traits", and because of this he might get unwanted reactions/comments. Hopefully that would help prepare him to deal with such shitty comments. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't do this though.

That's what I did. I have 4 sons, who have all at times been into different things that their peers had been led to believe were normal.

For us, it was the kilt! I am Scottish, but we live in the European country DH is from. All our children were born here. I bought a kid's kilt from a charity shop when we were on holiday in Scotland once, when DS1 was about 5.He wore it constantly (including to kindergarten when we got back home) for about 3 months. He got plenty of comments (positive and negative) but he really didn't care. Then he grew out of it. DS2 and DS4 never wore it (they preferred to fit in with their peers at that age). DS3 wore it a bit, got a bit depressed by the amount of attention it got, and then only wore it at home.

I’d let him wear it and maybe alert the teacher in advance to be on the lookout for any issues. Year 1 is still so young. We had a boy come to the year 1 disco in a sparkly princess dress

Let him wear it and get the school to enact their bullying policy

I would harshly judge any parents for judging me for allowing my 5 or 6 year old son to wear something that he likes!

I doubt this is a genuine post tbh - very unusual for a UK state school not to have uniform, and very unusual language for 5 year old bullies to use

But if genuine yeah of course he should wear his t-shirt but be ready to defend himself if anyone says anything - help him to confidently say it’s not a girl’s t- shirt, it’s his t-shirt and he’s a boy

This is so bloody depressing. ‘Girls’ t shirts and ‘boys’ t shirts indeed.

It’s a t shirt.

This is why so many males believe they are trans these days because ‘if I like that t shirt it must mean I’m a girl because it’s only for girls’

Do give over.

quite a few state primaries in London don't have uniform and it looks like the OP is in the east

What about the girls who will likely love it? why does male approval for your ds matter to YOU more op?

I thought I’d said that there was a context here. They are bullies - they have singled out and punched other kids and have both had serious interventions from the school.

So what did your son wear?

My son is, for want of a better word, an extremely flamboyant dresser, and is unusual where we live in that regard.

He got bullied horribly at his first school for it. But rather than curb who ihe is as a person, instead I changed his school, and he found his people.

It is a very heavy thing to do to a child, to curb their creativity and personal tastes.

I do understand the fear of the bullying, we went through some awful, awful shit to get to this point- but the core of your son needs to be preserved at all costs, to validate his choices.

I would email the school in advance and outline your worries- in an absolutely no nonsense way, so they can't weasel around the matter- and tell them you want extra vigilance because you will not accept him being bullied for his clothing choices.